Hello Babytee

I wanted to post a reply on behalf of the whole Cancer Chat team to offer our deepest condolences on the loss of your much loved Mum. 

Grief is a natural process but it can be devastating and I'm glad to hear that you have the support of your partner. Don't be afraid to lean on them in the coming days and weeks. 

All of the emotions and thoughts that you've described are a common part of the grieving process and undoubtedly it will be a rollercoaster for you. There are many people here who will understand some of what you're going through and hopefully they will post to share their experiences with you. 

In the meantime, be kind to yourself Tee. Take each day as it comes. If a day seems too much then take things hour by hour. Allow yourself to feel whatever comes and don't be afraid. When you feel ready there is an organisation called Cruse that is able to offer bereavement support and this may be something in the coming weeks that you might find helpful. 

Keep in touch with us here on the forum if it helps to have this space to write down how you're feeling. Know that you're not alone and we'll do our best to support you. 

Thinking of you at this difficult time. 
Jenn
Cancer Chat moderator 

Hello Babytee

I know how you are feeling and your not alone  l lost my Dad on 5th Dec 2021  to metastasic oesophageal cancer 

He was diagnosed in Sept 2020 and had chemotherapy and radiotherapy and was  unable to have a operation to remove the tumour in Jan 2021 due to Covid pandemic the risks were deemed to high that he would catch Covid and the operation was cancelled 

Even though my Dad was 74 years old he was a deemed a very fit man and the surgeon was extremely disappointed he couldn't do the operation 

It's never good to get cancer but especially not during a pandemic!! 
Unfortunately despite chemo and radiotherapy the cancer had spread to his liver even though it had completely gone from his oesophagus and in May 2021  we were told 6-8 months without treatment and maybe 12 months with treatment 

My Dad was such a brave man and said he would try more chemo and do what ever he could to stay alive !!

Had further chemo and further scans showed it had little effect on the lesions in his liver and they had increased in size ( this was in October 2021) and he collapsed 11th Nov with right sided weakness of his arm and leg at home and was taken to hospital where he had a seizure and a CT head scan revealed that the cancer had metastasised to his brain ( 4cm tumour ) 

He never came back home and we witnessed my Dad slowly deteriorating becoming more agitated and in pain but he  did die peacefully in a hospice 

He never complained at all and always said he was okay and we know he was trying to protect us all even at the end especially my Mum who he was devoted to 

He was such a kind man and my heart is broken and like you Babytee  l felt numb the day he died glad he wasn't suffering anymore maybe it's shock 

Now l feel broken and l am struggling to believe l will never see or hear his voice again 

You are so young to lose your Mum l had 49 wonderful years with my Dad and it is so sad you didn't get that time too with your lovely Mum

It's a very difficult time of year with Xmas approaching and l am finding it very hard to cope with the thought of Xmas without my Dad .I just don't think l can do Xmas this year every thing feels so raw and sad  

So you are not alone Babytee x

Oh you poor thing. My heart breaks for you and your words bring to the surface all my worst fears. I was diagnosed with breast cancer March 21 and, rightly or wrongly, took the decision to decline most of the treatment offered, preferring quality over quantity of life. My sweet boy (about your age) supported my decision but I cry every day at the thought of leaving him alone. He is an only child also and doesn't have a good relationship with his father. Like you and your Mum, we are so very close. Your Mum was so brave to go through everything she went through to try to stay with you but she also knew she had given you the tools you needed to survive and grow. She will be watching over you and the conversations you had together will be with you for the rest of your life. Don't let the horrendous events at the end of her life color all the wonderful moments you shared. My heart goes out to you. Xx

Hey hun, 

Firstly, I want to say I'm so so to hear about your mum. I know no words will really make you feel better, because losing your mum is losing half of you, the person who carried you and gave birth to you, the love was unconditional. 
But I want you to know that you're not alone. 
Similar to you, I lost my mum in March 2021, I'm 27 and my mum was only 55. 8 months on and the pain is still indescribable, I'd honestly give anything just to see, hear and be with my mum again. But at the same time, I'm not where I was 8 months ago. When I first lost my mum, it felt like someone had physically ripped out a piece of me, and nothing and no-one could stop the bleeding. The pain was extremely intense, to the extent that I couldn't even look at a picture of my mum without feeling like I was being suffocated. This has eased, but I still have days where all I want and need is my mum. 
But what I've learnt is, it's okay to be upset, it's okay to cry, it's okay to feel lost, after all we have lost the most important person in the world to us, the person we love the most. It will take us years, or we may never heal such a loss. But we're lucky to experience that sort of love, and have the bond we did with our mum's, and one day, we will be reunited. 
 

I hope that gives you some comfort ( I know I've blabbered abit). I'm always a message away x sending you lots of love and prayers xxx

Hi,

I am so sorry for your pain. 

I lost my mum on 16th September, I am an only child, aged 26 and she raised me alone. 

I read these forums because I feel so alone, I miss her so very much. Other people are going through it but no one should be feeling this way. 

please get in touch if you'd like to chat.

 Emily xx

Hello my lovely

I read your post and I really wanted to reply. I'm just so sorry for the loss of your mum, and everything she went through. In sure you being with her and reassuring her you'd be okay meant more to her than you'll ever know 

I lost my mum very quickly in march, and she was also in a hospice with driver and high painkillers. She was only 55, I'm 33. 

Not a day goes by that I don't think about her, probably an hour really. I wish I could say it gets easier, but it becomes different. There's nothing in this world j wouldnt do to just see my mum for ten minutes and hug her. 

All I can say, is you're not alone, even though I'm sure it feels like you are. I'm sending you a huge amount of strength and love to you xxxx

Thank you so much for your kind words, I really appreciate it. I'm so sorry for your loss. I suppose yes that's the what worries me around will I ever feel any better? The pain feels endless. I understand what you mean by the fact it just feels different in time though as opposed to putting pressure on myself for it to become easier or less painful xxx

Hi [@Mimimoo]‍ ,

thank you for your reply and im so sorry for your loss. It sounds like your precious dad went through so much and like you said, during a pandemic everything so so much more difficult!  and i know exactly how you feel as my mom went through so much too. 
Its honestly such a horrendous disease. This chirstmas just wasnt the same , felt so empty and hopless. I find that ive gotten worse since her cremation and although my family have collected her ashes, im just not ready to see them yet. I feel wrong and selfish for not doing so but i think seeing them just over confirms that its real and il never see her beautiful face again.
my depression and anxiety has flared through the roof and i was prescribed anxiety meds to try and keep me calm but everything just seems so so overwhelming. Thank you for reminding me i am not alone as sometimes it can feel so isolating in this 'cancer world'. Cant seem to shake myself out of it,and everyone around me i feel doesnt understand as theyve never had to go through something like this before.
Thinking of you and take care
Tee xx

Hi [@Sandy456]‍ thank you so much for your reply.
I am so sorry to hear about your diagnosis. When my mom was moved onto pallative care they mainly aimed for quailty of life with the hopes to extend her life as much as possible. I remember one of her nurses saying to her 'yeah you can live for 10 years with metastastic breast cancer you know'. 
Sadly wasnt the case as my mom suffered for 21 months with breast cancer. 
One can only imagine how it must feel discussing your decision with your son. As you said my mom had given me all the tools to survive without her and grow and I know you definetly would have done the same for your sweet boy. I hope you get to make the best memories with him and cherish every moment. Take so many pictures of everything ( thats what i found myself doing) and videos. They will be forever sacred to him and yourself. I hope you are feeling the best you can be at the present moment and keep your amazing strength. 
Take care and love to you and your boy
Tee xx

Hi [@emilymae45]‍ ,
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your mom. As you can imagine i know exactly how you are feeling right now. My mom also raised me alone too. She was the best mom to me ever can i still cant believe this cruel disease has taken her from me. I feel your pain, Sometimes i feel alone as everyone around me isnt going through the same thing i am so i feel they cant sympathise or empathise but coming on to these forums makes me realise im not actually alone and many people are going through the same type of pain as us.
I hope you are coping the best you can at this moment and I send my love to you.
Take care
Tee xxx