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Re: Jokes

9 Nov 2011 18:51 in response to Cougar69

Enjoy!

A hunter shoots himself in the genitals with his shotgun. A few hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he is approached by a doctor. "The good news is you're gonna be ok. The bad news is there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage to your manhood so I'm gonna have to refer you to my sister." "Is she a plastic surgeon?" asks the hunter. "No." says the doctor. "She's a flute player, she'll teach you where to put your fingers so that you don't pee all over yourself."

Re: Jokes

16 Nov 2011 01:03 in response to Rubble

Every year when i come home from My holiday, My wife is Pregnant. So I am taking her with me This year!

Re: Jokes

18 Nov 2011 19:23 in response to imabloke

imabloke, does this apply to charity fundraisers?

Re: Jokes

25 Nov 2011 00:21 in response to jesshannigan
A man came home from work and found his 3 children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around garden, The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the dog, walking in the door, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was wadded against one wall, In the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?' She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day? ''Yes," was his incredulous reply. She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it." thank you

Re: Jokes

25 Nov 2011 00:25 in response to jesshannigan
Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married..... If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humour....The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him "MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem ****** off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh ****" Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

Re: Jokes

25 Nov 2011 10:52 in response to Cougar69

Paddy goes for a job interview at a chemical factory & the manager asks

" Have you worked with chemicals before?" "Yes" Paddy replies

The manager asks "can you tell me what Nitrate is?"

Paddy replies......"I'm hoping it's double time"

Re: Jokes

25 Nov 2011 22:54 in response to Dizzie

Thank you for this, I really did laugh out loud!

Re: Jokes

10 Dec 2011 08:09 in response to ellen
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife.""That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit.""That'll be me then," said Paddy.

Re: Jokes

13 Dec 2011 17:35 in response to ellen
A Police STOP at 2 AM
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

Re: Jokes

1 Jul 2012 08:43 in response to imabloke

Hi Mark! Found you!!

What a great thread this is & I believe it deserves to be pushed back out there! I'm not very good at jokes (but I know a man who is... &when he wakes up I'll post some more) but here's a small one to be going on with:

Teacher takes the kids on a field trip to a local farm to see how it works. Next day she asks them to say the name of the farm animals & the noise they make.

Lisa: cow miss goes 'moo moo'

Jenny: pig miss goes 'oink oink'

Wayne: chickens miss go 'cluck cluck'

David: ducks miss go 'quack quack'

Jonny: farmer miss goes 'oi you lil stinker, get off my ruddy tractor!'

Lol xxx

Re: Jokes

30 Oct 2017 23:51 in response to Burkie

An old guy goes to his doctor for his prostrate to be checked... when he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor...the female doctor says “ I’m going to check your prostate .. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, take a deep breath and say 99 

the old chap obeys and says 99 ......

the doctor says great now turn on your left side, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say 99.. 

the old guy again says 99 ....

now then, I want you to lie on your back, with your knees raised up slightly. I’m going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other, I’m going to hold your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say 99 .....

the old man takes a deep breath and says 

ONE..... TWO .... THREE.... 

Re: Jokes

31 Oct 2017 00:12 in response to Chriss

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY .....

the missus brought a paper back, down Shepton mallet way,

i had a look inside her bag, t’was 50 shades of grey...

well I just left her to it, and at 10 I went to bed,

an hour later she appeared, the sight filled me with dread...

in her left hand, she held a rope, and in her right there was a whip...

she threw them down upon the floor, and then began to strip....

well 50years or so ago, I might have had a peek,

but Mabel hasn’t weathered well, she’s 84 next week ...

watching Mabel bump and grind, could not have been much grimmer...

and things went from bad to worse, she toppled off her zimmer ...

she struggled back upon her feet, a couple of minutes later,

she popped her teeth back in and said “I’m a dominator”

she stood there, nude and naked, bent forward just a bit...

i went to hold her, sensual like, and stood on her left tit ...

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out, my god what have I done...

she moaned and groaned, then shouted out.... step on the other one...

well readers, I can tell no more, of what occurred that day...

suffice to say my jet black hair, turned 50 shades of grey ....