Together we will beat cancer

Donate

I miss my dad so much.

30 Oct 2016 08:46

Hi everyone,

I don't really know where to start.. I'm 26 and my dad was 65 so no age and . I lost my best friend, my hero, my rock at the beginning of September the week my son started primary school.. we had the toughest summer.. dad was initially diagnosed in 2012 with advanced prostate cancer with it spread to the  bones and lymph nodes.. but was hormone receptive until beginning of last year so we did have a good run up until that point.. last year he came to live with me , my husband and our 2 kids as he stared chemo as things weren't working out with my mother.. anyway the chemo in itself was an emotional rollercoaster which we didn't really anticipate as we were thrown into the deep end so to speak. It was  heartbreaking to watch him struggle to then get through 10 cycles for it To not have done anything.. end of July  this year it had gone  to the liver, behind the abdomen wall, urea that and growing in the lymph nodes.  it was everywhere and we was told a few short months in August if he didn't start chemo.. well he went in for a routine op 4th August for kidney stents and he never came out of hospital. Meaning he never had the chemo.. . he developed pneumonia and again which he fought with incredible strength, had a stroke and has full left side paralysis.. and day by day travelling to the Royal Marsden in Chelsea watching him slowly waste away and deteriorate is something that has massively effected me especially as the stroke had effected him mentally so he wasn't always my usual dad Sad ... then he was transferred to his local hospital which is when he really took a turn for the worst and the palliative team got him into a hospice on the weds as we was unresponsive and he passed on the Friday.. my world fell apart.. I've dealt with it all majority on my own with my brother and I just am not coping with him not being here, not talking to him, my kids not seeing him or making anymore memories... it's obviously still so raw but it's just genuinely breaking my heart... the emotional waves I get are so overwhelming where I physically cannot stop the tears.. the hospice has been great and are putting us in touch with grief councillors but I guess I was just after some advice or experiences of anyone unfortunately having to go through this utter rubbish time.  

Sorry for the long post but I guess that's the first time I've really reflected on the last 8 or so weeks.

 

xx

Re: I miss my dad so much.

30 Oct 2016 09:31 in response to AmyC89

Hi Amy,

Losing a parent is very very hard. I lost my mother ten years ago and my father who lived in Canada about this time last year. I didnt know my father as well as I would have liked as we only met for a month plus the phone calls over a twenty five year period for I live in the south east of England. I have no doubt people will tell you it does get easier with time but thats not stricly true for me. I believe its more a case of we learn to adjust to a way of life that will never be quite the same.

Something that I hope will help you in time is remebering the happy times we shared.

Sending best wishes and kind thoughts your way, Brian.

 

Re: I miss my dad so much.

1 Nov 2016 09:12 in response to AmyC89

 

Hi Amy,

I'm so sorry for your loss and I just wanted to send you a hug. I just joined this site so I could write to you. My situation is a little different to your but I wanted to share a couple of things. A friend told me on Sunday, It's OK to feel overwhelmed, because you ARE overwhelmed. I'm not sure why, but that sort of helped to have that acknowledged and for me to allow myself to be a bit of a mess. It's OK and normal to cry, you've just the most significant person in your life. I'm glad you have the hospice sorting out counselling and I hope people on this site will help you to feel less isolated.

When you start to get 'window' where you can operate, maybe try and do something to help you and to support your body help with this enormity of emotions you're experiencing right now. I've been to see a qualified herbalist and hope to try some acupuncture when I can afford it. I understand writing your feelings down or drawing them out can help. But everyone is different, do whatever you are drawn to that you intuitively feel might help you feel support. Take care Amy, I know other people will send you messages so you don't feel so alone at this difficult time.

A big hug to you Amy XX

Re: I miss my dad so much.

1 Nov 2016 12:29 in response to AmyC89
Hi Amy sorry for your loss. I lost my mum 11 months ago today to cancer. Its true people say it gets easier with time but i think u just learn to carry on without them. I miss my mum so much as i saw her every day. Important dates are hard. My little one turned one this year. We have to keep hold of our memories and carry on best we can. Im just grateful my mum is no longer suffering as that brole my heart seeing her in pain. Take one day at a time. Take care x

Re: I miss my dad so much.

1 Nov 2016 16:46 in response to woodworm

Hi Brian,

 

thank you for your reply. I think I have been putting to much pressure on myself to feel ok so quickly when in reality this is the hardest thing I've ever dealt with. I just miss being able to call him and chat to him.. and a hug. I have no relationship with my mum and just suddenly feel so alone.  Sorry to hear you've been through this All. Life can be so cruel and so tough.

Amy x

Re: I miss my dad so much.

1 Nov 2016 16:49 in response to sunny2

Thank you for your lovely reply.. it's awful that we have to go through this and I feel so alone and vulnerable even though I have my husband and two kiddies.. he was my best friend and the one person who truly got me in this world.. I do think I need to utilise the moments I am feeling ok but the waves hit me so strong and I have these uncontrollable tears that just don't stop. It also doesn't help I don't have a relationship with my mum because of the way she treated my dad in the last year of his life. I am sorry you've had a tough time too. Life can be so cruel. 

Xxx

Re: I miss my dad so much.

1 Nov 2016 16:52 in response to Cuddlybunny

Thank you for your lovely reply.. and I am so sorry you lost your mum to this cruel disease. X there are no words we can say to make it any easier.. its only been 2 months on the 9th of November so I do think I am pressurising myself to feel normal.. but in reality I don't think I ever will. I do agree though watching him suffer the last 6 weeks of of his life was heart wrenching so I am glad he's at peace now.. but at only 65 I still feel he was so young to go. I just can't get my head around the fact he's actually gone.. and when I think that the emotions just engulf me. I hope your holding up ok. Your mum will live on in your little one and all her amazing qualities will shine through.

 

xxx

Re: I miss my dad so much.

4 Nov 2016 20:49 in response to woodworm

I agree, it doesn't get easier, we find ways of coping with our loss and we just keep going.

One day at a time, one step at a time 

Re: I miss my dad so much.

8 Oct 2017 22:57 in response to AmyC89
hi I'm 43 and lost my mum in 2007 sadly last year in september i lost my best friend and dad to lung cancer . I was obviously very upset when my mum passed but losing my dad has knocked me for 6 .He was there when my mum went and hes was my rock .We became best friends after and more than just father and son .I share your pain in having to watch what cancer does to someone whom you love very much .Also I think its a very low point in your life when you loose both your parents at whatever age you are .I'm a single dad and my sons 17 years old I'm very lucky to have him with me it gives me purpose but I cant help thinking that one day I'm going to put him through what I've had to endure Anyway your not alone and it does help to write to people on platforms like this

Re: I miss my dad so much.

9 Oct 2017 15:11 in response to AmyC89

Amy l am so sorry......but they are the words you will hear of so many people but it does not help. Nothing does. You did the same as me for my firsr few posts you told the full story. It helped me get it out. I lost my amazing mum on aug 10th to lung cancer. She never even smoked or did anyone around her. But she was just unlucky to have a tumour the size of 8cm in her left lung. My mum was so fit and healthy and worked right up to she was told she had cancer. That changed her as she was terrified. I am the youngest of 3 and am 44 years old but she still insisted in calling me her baby. I could not ask for better parents. My mum was the head and she was there for us all if we need her. 

Anyway after a ct scan the doctors all came back and said they could not do surgery because of where it was sitting as it was to high up right next to her broncial branch and main artery so removing it was not an option. But good news was they could cure her with 4 weeks of treatment. The cancer was contained in one lung it was not anywhere else. My mum went through the 4 weeks doing everything she was told. Radiothrepy in the morning and chemo in afternoons. She was still terrified and kept asking for reasurance. Me and my husband were with her all the way. Her 4 weeks passed and another scan and xray was done. The doctor said thats you there is just scar tissue left. Go home and enjoy your summer. I actually laugh when l think of that. She was shattered from treatment she could hardly move. Her appetite had went altogether and she started going nuts. Saying her legs were aching and she could not stop moving them. And l mean she paced the floor making my dads life hell. Doctors again nothing showed up. Still went on during the night until my dad called me in tears saying he could not take anymore. So of we went to A&E sat for hours where they tried bloods and xrays nothing again. It was a hell of a time. She cried everyday was convinced she still had cancer and this leg thing. Then a mcmillan doctor called to say to dad is your wife taking metracoplamide for anti sickness. He checked and she was. He said stop them right away thats whats causing her leg issue. Its one of the side affects. I was so angry as they had no idea what hell we had been through for weeks.

That just left her with this panicing that she still had cancer. She started saying there were lumps on her kneck and he shoulder was sore. She was filled with anxiety and we all thought she was imagining it. Infact we gave her a quite hard time as she cried everyday and would want us around her constantly. She wld text and say please come in l love you.  Of course l would get ready and go in and she would just cry. So l though we will try a diffrent approach as my dad was worried sick. He had just been through all that and now everyday she was crying. So l started getting on at her saying your imagining this mum and you are making dad ill. He is going to drop down dead with a heart attack if you dont stop this carry on. The doctors have told you are fine. You are getting to paniced and its like all you care abt is yourself. So off we go to hospital again to get bloods and scan. They said again she was fine. But she was called to her gp next morning. They had found a blood clot in her shoulder and it needed an umberella in to stop it going to her brain or heart but she was home within hours.

So we goes back for her follow up with GP and she asked to look at mums kneck. Its the first time l had saw it and there was lumps as she had being saying but l had never checked. The gp mentioned swollen lymth nodes and l just looked at my husband as l new what that meant. We waited until we came out and my husband phoned the GP and said whats happening as you could not talk about cancer in front of my mum it was like she was so scared. The GP said to my husband her lymth nodes are all swollen. My husbands in the medical industry and he said to the gp are you thinking what l am and that it went metastatic. Meaning it was back and had spread. She said l won't lie yes thats what l think.

So my mum went back to hospital that night as her calcium was up and she never came home. A doctor told me the next day you are looking at a few weeks!!! It never sank in. 

But l was not leaving her in that hospital so l worked hard to get her a bed in a hospice for pallative care and she was moved within 2 days. I cannot praise them enough. They were amazing. My mum died a month later if that. But who was the doctors that told her she was fine. How many scans get done and nobody noticed that it had spread across her chest and up her kneck and back in her lung. So angry at that. In a space of 2 weeks my mum faded away in front of my eyes. I miss her so much it hurts. 

I know how you féel about your dad its so awful its the worst thing l have been through Amy xx

Re: I miss my dad so much.

9 Oct 2017 21:37 in response to AmyC89

Hi Amy. I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. Like you, I'm 26 and I lost my dad to cancer on the 25th June this year. He was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer at the end of last year, was put on hormone & radiotherapy for 4 weeks. He was given the all clear and we were told his Prostate cancer had gone. Weeks later he became ill again and we then found out his Prostate cancer had spread to his abdomen and stomach, by this time it was too late for treatment and he rapidly went downhill. Seeing my dad die slowly day by day was the hardest thing I have ever done in my whole life. My dad was my hero and I never ever thought he wouldn't be here anymore. 15 weeks have gone by since he passed and I've still not got over the fact he isn't here anymore, you just learn to deal with it and learn how to live a new life without dad in it, as heartbreaking as it is. I'm not married yet and don't have any children, it breaks my heart knowing he won't be here to see either of them. I just want you to know you are not alone on how you are feeling, I can go days without crying and then all of a sudden it hits me and I have endless tears. You have to carry on living life and making your dad proud of who you are and what you are doing. I understand exactly how you are feeling Amy, and I hope this message makes you feel a little better if at all possible. I'm here to chat anytime. Take Care. Jess xx 

ps remember, there is no "normal" way that you should be feeling, no-one can tell you how to feel, take it day by day and go from there. Xx

Re: I miss my dad so much.

17 Jan 2018 18:27 in response to AmyC89

Hi everyone, 

I'm really struggling to get over the loss of my Dad; he was my whole world and i loved him more than anyone and anything in this world. He got diagnosed with kindey cancer over 5 years ago but as the cancer could be managed it was all relatively positive for a while with the hope of other treatments that may one day get rid of it for good however as he had one of his kindeys removed he only had one that was working at a low percentage and went into renal failure this November due to something called Amyloid. He came to live with me for a month but got worse over that duration and ended up getting sepsis too which meant it was all too much in the end. I feel completely numb and miss him so so much, he was only 59 and i feel like my right arm has been ripped off as i spoke to him every single day and saw him almost every other day. I am on antidepressants and currently having counselling but i feel so lost and numb, i would give anything in this world to have him back again. 

Re: I miss my dad so much.

17 Feb 2018 13:13 in response to AmyC89
Amy I feel your loss - it’s like a chunk of you has been taken away - only to be filled with other feelings. You will never forget your Father. I lost my lovely Dad to cancer 16 April 2009. I still hear his final breath. I do think though that my Dad would never like to see me unhappy especially at losing even him. Think that the more you accept that he is no longer with you the more he will move on too. Love

Re: I miss my dad so much.

17 May 2018 21:01 in response to nila37
I miss my dad so much we had lots of special times together just me and him he was so lovely and I was his favourite because I was the most loyal and he looked after so many times he was only 64 when he died and I was there with him he as taken far too soon and I will never ever get over losing him he was my world cancer is evil and has no boundaries I've had 2 different kinds myself @ 34 and survived I just wish so much that my dad did

Re: I miss my dad so much.

8 Nov 2018 23:10 in response to AmyC89

Be strong this and next year will fly by in the thought process, acknowledging the loss, 

I lost my dad in January, and the one man that gave me life, I had to carry on my shoulders to his final sleep. Me and my brother both have business's and the person that we needed to see our success left,  just wanted to make him proud, but he watches us , so I have to behave, 

you loss is a tough pill to swallow, but your not alone, even though it's the darkest day you'll ever see, life rotates and give you angle to be strong, just look for it 

m.s.s