Together we will beat cancer


I feel like I’m lost.

20 Nov 2017 08:37

so within the last couple of months my mums rumour went from being stable to stage 4 brain cancer. They said it has spread to behind her eyes and different parts of her brain. She’s been told she may only have a few weeks maybe months to live the rest of her life. This is a very difficult time for me and my dad as it’s his birthday mums birthday christmas and then my birthday , feel like it couldn’t have come at a worse time.  The main thing I’m struggling to deal with is mum, she’s aggressive and nasty to me and my dad when we try and help her. I find it difficult because I’m only 19 and feel as if her last weeks are going to be spent with her fighting me and my dad making it even harder on us. It’s so disheartening and upsetting when she says I’m a ***** or that my dads doing a **** job screaming and shouting at us. I’m afraid this is how I’m going to remember my mum as this person who isn’t really her and I’m really struggling to come to terms with it all.

Re: I feel like I’m lost.

20 Nov 2017 09:30 in response to Emilyl

Very sad. But I think you hit the nail on the head when you say 'this person who isn't really her.' The person who was really your Mum predates that moment when the cancer spread to her brain. And while you will remember her end of life, you will think of it in terms of a huge sympathy for your Mum, rather than being affected by her words. You have all my sympathy. xx Harry

Re: I feel like I’m lost.

20 Nov 2017 11:29 in response to Emilyl

Hi Emily,

So sorry to read about your Mum's condition and the way in which her brain tumour is changing her behaviour towards the people who love her the most.

All you can do is keep reminding yourself that this is the brain cancer talking and not your Mum. She will be in turmoil inside knowing that she can't do anything to help herself and part of her will hate herself for the way she is acting and the harmful words she is using.

Try to get away and have some time to yourself as much as you can. This is hard work for both you and your Dad and you both need time out. The local MacMillan, Marie Curie service or your GP should be able to provide some professional help to care for her. 

Hard as it may seem, your Dad may need to consider Hospice care at some stage so be ready for that eventuality.

Please come back here to talk, there will be people on here who have been through similar circumstances who can lend an empathic ear and may have some practical advice.

Good luck

Re: I feel like I’m lost.

1 Dec 2017 19:25 in response to Harry2

Hi Emily

so sorry to hear what you are going through, I am going through a similiar thing with my husband, he has end stage liver failure and has been given 6 to 12 months to live. he suffers with (excuse spelling) encelphy which causes him confusion, and makes him stutter alot - he also gets cross and angry (with me) he shouts a lot and can be quite mean with the things he says, I know its not him but his condition and I have to hold on to that. It can be hard not to take what he says personally and like you do not want my last memories of him to be the above - all I can advise is remember its not really them but their illness and to share your feelings / seek support from your close friends and family.

Re: I feel like I’m lost.

3 Dec 2017 08:37 in response to Emilyl

Hi Emily,

This brings back some of my own memories. My mum sufferred terribly mentally when she was first diagnosed with cancer (3 years ago, I was 15) and she eventually had to be admitted (forcefully, my dad had to organise someone from the hospital to pick her up) into hospital because her depression was so severe. She has always been more emotional than rational, so I think the diagnosis was something which tipped that emotional side... it was awful, I remember hearing her screaming from in my bedroom at my dad, it's all she would do - scream. And as I said, it got to a point where none of us could handle it and dad had to call the hospital, and I truly couldn't stand her and hated myself for it. Our situations are a little different, but now, years later the cancer is back and my mum has been given weeks. 

I'm so sorry you have to experience this, none of us should have to. I am here, probably having experienced or experiencing a lot of what you have, so if you ever need to talk just send me a message x