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Husband did. not tell me he had cancer

2 Jan 2018 01:43

Why didnt he tell me had cancer. I recently filed for a divorce because he acted out terribly. He was impossible to livewith.He was soo mean and act like he didnt careabout no one but himself. I believe now he knew he had it. Now he is in ICU snd he had told the doctor dont tell me anything. I dont understand. I know he lovesme. He had cancer symptoms looking back now, but I had no idea. He's stage 4. I dont know how to feel. He has shut me out of everything. Im feelbetrayed,sad, lost

Re: Husband did. not tell me he had cancer

2 Jan 2018 08:23 in response to jennineg

Hello jennineg.   I understand that this is a horrible time for you.   It is difficult to understand what you and your husband have been going through from a few lines on this forum. I understand from your previous post that he had only started to be difficult quite recently.  Have you any idea why he did not tell you what was wrong?  I am in no way a relationship expert (don't I know it) but although he didn't tell you he has obviously taken your leaving him very badly.  But it is perhaps not reasonable to expect someone so ill to act in a totally logical way.     Are you on good terms with his son?  If so you could write your husband a letter and get his son to read it to him if he cannot/does not want to read it himself.  I can understand that you want to build bridges but sometimes we just cannot put things right - but at least you can try. Others on this forum may have better ideas and I hope you will get some help.

Re: Husband did. not tell me he had cancer

2 Jan 2018 09:04 in response to Annieliz


Sorry to read your story.

I am no expert but over the years as a member of this great forum, I have read of several similar cases on here. It seems to me sometimes cancer patients try to push their loved ones away by any means possible. I wonder if in some way they feel that by pushing their loved ones away, they are protecting them from the rollercoaster ride that cancer causes. The cases I have read have been mainly men distancing themslves from girlfriends, partnersand  wives. 

If this is the case, what they dont seem to realize they cause a lot of hurt to those who love and care about them by doing so. Some years ago I personally know of one case where the husband told his wife he was going to die from his cancer and he wanted her to try and find a new man in her life where she wouldnt have to worry about his health. He had been acting out of character for some months; not being very nice to his wife to try and get her to leave him. 

I hoppe there is a way you can rsolve the problems.

Wishing you all the best, Brian. 

Re: Husband did. not tell me he had cancer

2 Jan 2018 09:43 in response to jennineg

Hi jennineg

I'm really sorry to read your story.

I'm neither a doctor nor a lawyer.

Now you understand the situation with your husband's behaviour, do you want to continue with the divorce? Are you legally separated from your husband?  

I'm assuming the answer to both these is No.  I suggest you discuss with your legal advisor what would be the situation if you withdraw the divorce. Would you then be able to get information about your husband's state of health from his doctors, on the grounds that you're his legal spouse? I can't answer that, but your legal advisor should be able to.

In the meantime, maybe you could get counselling from marriage guidance. My understanding is that you can go alone to discuss your problems. 

It would also help if you have a good friend who can support you through this awful time. We can offer a sympathetic ear and some advice, but there's substitute for human contact. 

Re: Husband did. not tell me he had cancer

2 Jan 2018 10:13 in response to jennineg

I am sorry for you and your husband. Telemato is right, try to withdraw the divorce if you can. And be there for your husband. He needs you,  he does not know how to deal with his emotions. It is a lot to take for both of you. Have faith, love him.

Re: Husband did. not tell me he had cancer

2 Jan 2018 16:20 in response to woodworm

OMG Brian. I think this is exactly what he was doing.. Acting out something terrible and I just figured out that he didnt want to be with me no more but then he says he does and love me very much.  He would even leave me and then a few days say he love me and come back. He. has also stated within the last year he doesnt want me to see him sick and left the country for a minute (thats when i think he first suspected it) but then a few days later, he say he want to be with me and he comes back. Its been a r oller coaster r ide. I just got fed up and it was making me so stressed out and I eventurally 3 weeks ago made up my mind that he can nevr come back. Little did i know he would be in icu on Wednesday with difficulties from cancer biopsy test to see how far it has spread. He told the dr dont tell me info when i called. That was before he ended up in ICU. I dont know what to do. His 25 year old son signed power of attorney and put password on him and no one can come see him or find an info on him, not even me!!! based on his facebook, hes partying and having a great time,, (even tho i know he loves his dad very much) but im sure e is not t here for him in the way my husband needs him to be. the whole situation got me stressed out. I just wish my husband told me about this a nd our lives could have been so much happier in his last days. smh. I would have understood him acting out and being unhappy, etc. It would have been a lot different. I would have been so much more understnading

Re: Husband did. not tell me he had cancer

2 Jan 2018 16:23 in response to Ginaandme

This would mean to fight with his kids because for some reason, they see me as the enemy. I know my husband loves me very much, he still has his wedding ring on. But to push myself on someone that dont want me to push myself on, it takes a lot of t hinking to do right now. I just dont know and dont know if i event have the stregnth to do all of this. My husband told. the doctor to not even tell me no information. So they wont and they know I'm his wife