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Grade 4 cancer Terminal

19 Dec 2017 23:20

My Father was diagnosed in late December of 2016 with a grade 4 Glioblastoma he was 52. We was told that life expectancy for this tumour is roughly around 14months. They decided to operate and 2 weeks later operated and removed all of the tumour. We was then told that he would start Chemotherapy and Rradiotherapy to kill off any remaining cells. However, 6 weeks later my dad woke up in the morning saying his arm felt weak and we decided to take him into A&E upon arival he started vomiting and then went into a siezure where his breathing stopped and was left on a ventilator. The doctors decided to do a scan to see if he had some sort of an infection in the brain where he was operated and saw something but wasnt to sure and decided the best thing to do was operate so at 11pm that day he was taken in and was operated on to remove some pressure being built on the brain at 2am the doctors came back and said that they think he might have an infection so took some of the sample to get tested but believed the main reason why he had the seizure was because the tumour they removed came back more aggressively and grew into the brain.... After 6 weeks of recovery he started chemo and radiotherapy during this time he went downhill feeling more weak unable to move or even eat without help... on the day of his last radiotherapy session he got diahrea and was taken into hospital to be on antibiotics... after his arrival he kept loosing consciousness and the doctor came and told us his cancer has spread to most parts of his brain and the only thing to do now is to keep him confortable... He was sent home and had Palliative nurses come to administer morphine... 2 months later he woke up had some breakfast and fell asleep after which he never regained consciousness the doctor advised putting in a feeding tube would make things worse and the best thing was to let him slip away.... a week later he had dark fluid coming out of his nose and mouth mucus that was built up in his chest....On the 7th July 2017 My dad Passed away at 6:45am at home surrounded by his wife and us kids... 

Im writing this because when he died I didnt feel anything no emotion maybe it was the sudden shock.. But now 5 months later I really miss my dad... I need him in my life more than ever... during the day im okay because im at work but at night i cannot sleep because I remember the good and bad and then I just start crying through the night... Im only 21 I never exected to loose a parent now at this age!! During the 7 months he was diagnosed his personallity changed he was having mood swings and I was his main carer along with my mum... This one day I took him to his Radiotherapy session and he asked me to get him a drink from a shop and i got him the wrong one and he started swearing at me in the car insulting me and this one point I snapped at him and instantly i regret this today!! Because he was never violent never told us off as children he wouldnt raise his voice at me and i know this wasnt him talking it was the cancer... but I just keep thinking about that day... I want to move on and forget those 6months not because I want to forget him but its just thats not how i want to remember  him the pain he went through!!! My prayer is that wherever he is hes at peace and I hope he can forgive me because I cant forgive myself.

Re: Grade 4 cancer Terminal

20 Dec 2017 00:33 in response to ibraarhw

I am so sorry that your father`s last months were so difficult.  Your father was comparatively young when he became ill so you are missing him because of this.  Also because of an incident which was so at odds with your relationship with your father.  He was ill and was not being the person he had been; from your post I have no doubt you had a loving relationship with your father and it was only his illness and the pressure this put on you that led to this most unusual scenario where angry words were exchanged.  But put against 21 years of love this should not be allowed to colour your relationship.  I realise it may seem easy for me to say this and you are still stressed over losing your father which is understandable.  Do you talk with your mum about your feelings?  I expect she too is having bad times over it all.  You might also find it useful to ring the Cruse bereavement service who are good at talking abour these feelings.    Be a bit kinder to yourself and I hope you can start to remember your father for the loving relationship you had.

Re: Grade 4 cancer Terminal

30 Dec 2017 18:28 in response to ibraarhw


My father is slowly deteriorating right now and, up til recently, I know that his personality changed and he was on occasions quite rude and emotionally abusive to my mother. That was not him, It was the cancer. I truly believe that there is nothing to forgive on any side. Cancer is difficult for everyone involved.  Be kind to yourself. Just be being around and helping provide care, you proved your love and devotion and I am sure that gave him comfort.

So I think you should cry when you need to but also start to focus on the happy moments you had together and the wonderful person that your father was pre-cancer.  Recalling the happy times will be the best medecine. At least that is what I intend to do when the moment comes. Stay strong! xx

Re: Grade 4 cancer Terminal

30 Dec 2017 20:38 in response to ibraarhw


Try to remember your Dad as he was before the cancer struck and before the brain tumour made his behaviour change. Snapping at him once in all that time is pretty good going, you should just forgive yourself, no-one else will hold it aganst you Happy 

Grieving is a very personal process, sometimes the initial shock leaves us emotionally numb and it can take months or even years before we start to feel things. The process can't be rushed and there's no right or wrong way to grieve. 

As a society, I don't think we talk enough about death and the grieving process which can leave everyone feeling awkward or embarrassed when it happens to us, especially when it comes unexpectedly.

Best wishes