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Frustration hit me for six today-WHY?

2 Jun 2013 20:24

Hi all,

Been a while since I started a new discussion and I dont really understand why I feel particularly low today., though it did not get off to a very happy start.  Those who have followed other discussions will know that my Mum is in a care home due to general physical/mental frailty.  I popped in to see her for my usual Sunday visit and filled her in on family news as always.  Not much of a response until after about 20mins she just looked at me and said go home, you are not able to give me what I want  so there is no point  you being here. We have had this type of conversation before but somehow it knocked me for six.  Well I walked back home in the  beautiful sunshine feeling 'useless' (silly I know) and then hubbys opening words were,  she not in talkative mood then!  This comment coming from the man who constantly shutting me out of how he is feeling (he has incurable cancer) and during the past few days he has definitely struggling a little more with  cold/cough symptoms though my suggestion of getting checked out (before his next appointment later this month) gets a negative response.  I  am here for him but he is pushing me away and today I have just felt surplus to requirements because I cant help those who mean something to me. We are 15 months into his cancer journey and its hard enough knowing that this cannot be cured but somehow harder still that I feel like an imposter in my own home.  I have spent the day sitting reading in the garden (he has not ventured out of the arm chair other than to use the bathroom) and the only comment came when I pop indoors to get drinks;lunch;more drinks; dinner when he remarked that the neighbours cat had chosen to sit on my lap!!Think  the cat has picked up that I  needed the company.  Now I am indoors and he sleeps, Sorry for the ramble but needed to get my emotions down. Hoping to feel better tomorrow.  Jules

Re: Frustration hit me for six today-WHY?

2 Jun 2013 20:49 in response to jules54

Oh Jules,

I don't think I have ever heard you feeling this low. I am so sorry that both the people you love have reacted in this manner today and can well understand your frustration. With regard to your neighbours cat, they are very intuitive and pick on when we are feeling low.

I do really feel for you Jules, you are such a caring person and to have both people almost push you away must have been very hurtful for you, even though this is not what they intended. Please take care and hope you are feeling better tomorrow. Sending best wishes to you, Brian

Re: Frustration hit me for six today-WHY?

2 Jun 2013 21:48 in response to jules54

Hi Jules,

Well love it's not surprising you feel down today after getting slightly negative reactions from the 2 people you love and more importantly at the moment, care for.You have been running around looking after these two important people in your life and caring for them for a long time now and you are probably a wee bit tired and just sometimes when we look after others we just need a little something back, even if it's just recognition of some sort, or a hug or wink. Just something to tell us to keep going and we are doing an alright job.(Sorry that was very long winded)

Well today they are not up to it. So instead it's up to us. I just want you to know how grateful I was and am to you and the other regulars who respond to others on here in their hour of need. I was grateful for your advice and caring as I worried before surgery, and your suggestion of a certain drink. I still haven't replaced the bottle.!!!!! Lol.  You most certainly helped me and I try to help others like you and Brian and Ann etc. Not as good at it yet but trying.

So a big virtual HUG and some of these sent your way for tonight.

best wishes Annabel. xxxxx

Re: Frustration hit me for six today-WHY?

3 Jun 2013 00:44 in response to jules54

Hi Jules ........ not much I can add to what has been said above except sometimes us 'sufferers' wrongly take our lovely partners for granted. My husband was explaining to me this evening that every where he goes - the pub, the shop, to see friends etc he never gets a break from cancer because every one asks him about me or treatments/results. His life is as much on hold as mine and his work and income has ceased. He feels guilty to have a laugh anymore. My heart goes out to all of you in yours/his position, I truly think how you cope is remarkable and it would break my heart if the situation was in reverse in my home and I had to helplessly watch my partner suffering and not know how long I would have him in my life. You deserve a rant and where better to have one than here where we can all relate to the destruction this disease causes to our once carefree lives! On a lighter note, I am spending another sleepless night laying next to the lovely caring husband  I have just mentioned, who is snoring so loudly I could happily smother him at this moment in time!

Like all have said jules, you are such a help to others and I really hope you feel better after a nights sleep (not sure I will have one unless I go to a neighbours)!!!!!!!!!!    . Sending you a massive hug and lots of love. Max xxx the

Re: Frustration hit me for six today-WHY?

3 Jun 2013 01:01 in response to jules54

Hi Jules, I don't post much but you were one of the first people to ever offer me comfort and understanding when I got here and I have been following your story. I'm sorry to hear that the two people you care about so much have difficulty in letting you and that they do not seem to be able to appreciate you at this time. I am aware of how lonely, painful and frustrating it can be when the people you love shut you out. I am sad to hear that you feel like an imposter in your own home, that must be so hard to bear on top of everything else that you are dealing with! I do wish that I had some advice but all I can say is that the I think (for me anyway) there are days when everything has just built up to the point where I feel like I can't take it anymore. Those are my 'bad days'. The feeling does tend to pass but riding it out always makes me feel angry, helpless, guilty and self-pitying - and I don't like feeling thay way which probably only adds to my frustration! I hope that you feel much better today and that your husband and mother find moments to open up to you.

Hugs, Greeneyes

Re: Frustration hit me for six today-WHY?

3 Jun 2013 07:00 in response to greeneyes

Morning everyone,

Thank you so very much for responding to my down in the dumps post. After a disturbed night it was good to receive such support from my virtual friends on the forum when  logged on. Too much thinking time plays havoc with your thoughts/emotions. Its like being back at school and being sent to Coventry.  As far as my Mum's comments are concerned I was shocked at my own reaction as I have lived with her mental health issues from a very young age (this included two suicide attempts before I was 18 and  one since) and think I must have become more vulnerable (emotions wise) during the cancer journey with my hubby. My Mum thinks it unfair that she should be alive when she wants to die (always saying' I cant be bothered to live) and that obviously the reverse can be said for my hubby.  When he was going through early days of diagnosis he said he wanted all the facts whatever the outcome and so they gave it to him straight.  With hindsight (always a wonderful thing) he admits that he wishes he did not know that he cannot be cured and I believe this is why he has clammed up.  The fear he must be holding inside him (if its anything like mine) cannot being doing him much good either.

Well the sunshine is here again today but no reading in the garden as I have to go to work. So onwards and upwards and I think a bunch of flowers to cheer myself up on the way home.(the healthy option rather than reaching for chocolate).

Once again many thanks  and I hope you all have a good and peaceful day.  Jules  

Re: Frustration hit me for six today-WHY?

3 Jun 2013 11:02 in response to jules54

Hi Jules,

Sorry to hear you have been having such a tough time with your husband and your mum.  I'm glad you can come on here and vent away, hopefully it makes you feel a bit better. Do you have a lot of cancer support services in your area? We have been offered the chance to speak to a counsellor, but neither me or my husband thinks it would really help we can talk to each other quite comfortably. Would it help you to talk to someone outside of your circle of family/friends?  Our local hospice also offers a few nice complementary therapy sessions for both the cancer patient and their care/husband/wife.  I've found that it's a really good way to relax.  I hope there are similar things available to you and your husband.

Take care.xxx

Re: Frustration hit me for six today-WHY?

3 Jun 2013 15:23 in response to Beaker83

Hi Beaker

Thanks for your response. Just one of those 'down' days. We have great support of family and my best friend works for Samaritans so have very good help if I want to call on her.  Our local hospital is a major cancer unit and they have all the voluntary stuff you mention.  Hubby not interested but I can pop in there when he has his appointments if necessary.  This forum helps tremendously, a virtual family 24/7.  Have been to work today and had good chat before my shift started so feel a little less fed up now.  Anyway there are many who are far worse off than me so its pick myself up and back to the battle..  Hope you had a peaceful weekend.

Re: Frustration hit me for six today-WHY?

3 Jun 2013 16:33 in response to jules54

Hi Jules ........... Glad to hear you had a chat this morning before your shift and I hope you will feel better over the next few days. Like your hubbie I wanted to know everything and now wish I didnt so I can totally relate to how he is feeling too. He's a lucky guy having such a lovely wife - and I am sure he knows that - just such a shame that he wont talk and must be really hurtful for you. You have the added stress of your Mum, which must put a huge strain on you. Thinking of you lots, as are your other virtual mates, always here when you need us!

Much love Max xx

Re: Frustration hit me for six today-WHY?

3 Jun 2013 17:24 in response to max56

Thanks Max, with all that you are facing in your own life, that you are taking the time to respond both to me and othesr is a wonderful tribute to your character. This forum is truly amazing in that complete strangers can achieve so much just by saying the right things at the right time.  I have read the replies to my 'frustration' post with tears in my eyes and hope in my heart and truly thank you for being part of that..Sending you many virtual hugs for just being you. Jules xx

Re: Frustration hit me for six today-WHY?

3 Jun 2013 22:14 in response to jules54

Dear Jules, I felt genuine dismay when I read your post, thinking know one was there for you when you were feeling so low. As you have been there for everyone, on each thread, giving such sound advice and choosing your words so carefully, with such compasion. When I was 'in a state' with my Husbands diagnosis you brought such 'grounding' which I really needed, I really will be eternally grateful. However, then I read on and have seen it was a low point for you and you have gotten over it (so to speak). But please remember if it sneeks up on you again, how much you have helped me and others so allow yourself to feel sad knowing your only human.I may not be able to put pen to paper very well, but please accept the sincerity of this reply. Belle12 x           

Re: Frustration hit me for six today-WHY?

4 Jun 2013 07:31 in response to Belle12

Dear Belle

Thanks so much for your reply, it means so much to me that you and the others take time out of their own problems to give me that ongoing support. Its not easy when we have a down day but then reality does come back and whats seems huge at the time (and certainly seemed  like that for me on Sunday) was actually just 1 day and I am sure you know only too well that we have to carry on the fight so cannot let that one day spread. Yep we are all human and all have weaknesses and just have to accept that and move on.  I think in a way it is just dealing with the two ends of the spectrum (Mum and Hubby) that brought things to a head this time.  Am sure we all face dilemmas like this and somedays we deal with them and sometimes we dont. I think I spent to much analysing what 'is not being said' by my hubby and I am now trying to focus on getting on with my 'normality' and hoping that he is there for the 'ride' so to speak.

How are things going with you and your husbands battle at the moment?  I hope your boys' exams are going okay (hated them myself though that was a long long long time ago). Do they know what they want to do next?

On a much brighter note we received a wedding invitation yesterday (from one of my hubby's workmates/friend) and he straight away said we should go (its in August) so hope is renewed that he is battling on.  Our daughter's second son is due in October too so a lot to be thankful for.

As to your comment about how I write/respond I think it is how I speak but as I do not get much conversation at home it all spills out on the forum and if it helps then thats a bonus.  Thanks again for your kind words and I hope you have a peaceful day.

Best wishes Jules

Re: Frustration hit me for six today-WHY?

4 Jun 2013 09:55 in response to jules54

Hi Jules,

I am so sorry that I haven't been on here over the past few days to see this.  I am sorry that you feel low but I know that your inner strength will pull you up again.   I am often amazed that you take the time as others do to reply to my fearsome posts when we all have our own worries/fears/problems going on around so I value your comments and hope that I can be of some value to you in that knowing that your kind words uplift me when you post.

I know how hard it is to deal with a mother who is declining and sometimes the smallest of comments can make you wonder why it is that you bother and I did not have the added pressure of a partner as you do.   I am sorry that your husband does not talk to you and that he didn't see the irony of his comment, sometimes not speaking can be just as hard I imagine as my saying to my partner I cam frightened I am going to die!  There are no easy answers and no manual on this damn awful journey.   I hope that you being able to voice your frustrations helped even if it was in a small way?

I am off for my bone scan in a couple of hours and then hopefully after tomorrows round of appointments I can finally start planning on my wedding; muchos excitement

Take care and sending you a big hug and hopefully some sunshine to enjoy sitting in the garden with.

Karen

x x

Re: Frustration hit me for six today-WHY?

4 Jun 2013 10:44 in response to Nazgirl

Thanks so much for your kind words Karen. This forum is so supportive even when you feel its just silly to be a wuss when so many others are suffering much greater pressures. At the time it all seemed huge in my mind but now I feel a bit of a fraud. After all most of what is happening is outside my personal control  (if I could change things I would eh). Well  just two days on, the forum friends as usual have come up trumps plus the support of my workmates and I am seeing things more clearly at the moment.  So thanks one and all.my bouncebackability is in progress(again) and maybe I am stronger for having been down and dealt with it, who knows.  As we all know the  battles are there to be fought and most days we are up to the task.

Karen,hope your bone scan and appointments go well and you must start sharing all your wedding plans with us too - such an uplifting time for you and the family and the closer it gets the more exciting it must be. Long may the sun shine on us all. Its about time we had a spell of good weather.  Take care of yourself and thanks for your support.Best wishes Jules 

Re: Frustration hit me for six today-WHY?

4 Jun 2013 11:52 in response to jules54

Hi Jules,

I am very pleased on two counts. One is that your feeling better for I have never heard you that low as you were the other day, despite all that life throws at you, you have always just got on with all the problems facing you.So for you to start this thread off like you did was totally not the normal you.

The other thing that has pleased me is how so many people have replied to you as we were all very concerned. That just goes to show how well liked and respected you are on this forum. As someone said your responses to others is always well thought out and shows the caring, kind person you are.

Let me just say, Jules you are definitely not a wuss, nor are you a fraud. I love that word you made up; bouncbackability. It's definitely one to include in the next Oxford Dictionary

Please take care, enjoy your time in the garden, Brian