My mum died on 3 April this year. I am feeling so confused and guilty about how I'm feeling, I just feel like I want to write it all down somewhere and see if anyone can relate to any of this or offer any words of wisdom. Sorry if this ends up being a long post!
My mum died of cancer - she was diagnosed with mesothelioma only a couple of months before the end. However she was in her late 70's and had been frail and unwell for a number of years before- now we know why.
I am feeling confused and guilty because I don't understand why I am not more upset. Yes I have been upset but feel like life is pushing me along..... I always thought I'd be so devastated I'd struggle to cope when I lost a parent but it hasn't been like that and I feel so guilty I'm not more upset.
We always had a reasonably good relationship- not super close and more traditional mother-daughter but positive. I'm from Northern Ireland but have ended up settling in England so we didn't see each other all the time - every 4-6 weeks over the last few years as she became frail, apart from when Covid wouldn't allow.
When she got really sick in January I had some tough decisions to make. It was still lockdown, I was on maternity leave and had a 9 month old baby. I decided to go to Northern Ireland for a long term stay with my baby leaving my husband in England because of work. I had to self isolate on my own with my baby for 10 days before going to stay with my dad. My mum declined fairly quickly at the end but I feel we did what we could to support her.
I travelled back to England about 2 weeks after her death. I went back to work about 4 weeks after that, it was quite overwhelming adjusting to my daughter starting nursery and getting back to work but I have a supportive employer and am working part time so feel better for me in the longer run.
But since coming back to England I feel I've been so preoccupied with practical thoughts of getting back to work, looking after my daughter, and settling back into home life with my husband, I've not had time to think properly about my loss. I've only been upset a few times and it's been a couple of months now.
i travelled back to Northern Ireland yesterday, we are having a ceremony for the burial of my mum's ashes on Friday. I'm in the spare room at my dads, he has been sorting all my mum's clothes, jewellery etc they are in piles all round the room and I have to sort through and see if I want to keep any....but I'm still not crying. I feel like I really should be more upset, I don't understand why I'm not..... am I still in shock? Bottling it all up? I don't know! I do feel quite numb about it all still. I wonder if I've developed coping mechanisms that mean I don't let myself get upset about loss, before I gave birth to my daughter I had 4 miscarriages which was so hard and I coped by just trying to get on with my life.... I wonder if I'm doing the same now but therefore not letting myself grieve.
I'm so confused. Can anyone relate to any of this?! Guess I'm just looking for a listening ear and reassurance that I'm not a cold hearted b****!