Yes my wife is been  very distant and doesn't show much affection she has cancer and depression iam finding it very hard  my daughter is so young and doesn't know what happening  with my wife.its been hell I've cried myself to sleep and my wife melds make unable to cry  

Not really my counsellor  is trying but sometimes I find she doesn't know how I feel

Hi Neill, 

I cannot offer advice however I am going through a minor version of what you are describing and finding it hard. Everyone I speak to tells me that it must be so hard for him and they cannot imagine what it's like for him however they fail to mention how it is for the supporting partner. 

I have tried everything and just get told that he has no energy to talk about it or deal with it. He is running on empty. I know that when you are low and have no hope, the last thing you can be is patient, kind and caring for someone else as you cannot do it for yourself. 

I hope things are a little better for you now a month on. 

Take some time out, go for a drive or a walk and when you get back just say that you won't put up with this abusive any longer. 

Having cancer is a ***, but is no excuse for treating the people who care for you badly. 

Good luck

Dave

feel your pain completely. Sorry, no this is an old post but after an internet search on this very subject I came across this post..I’m in the same situation xx

I really sympathise with everyone on this particular issue and I see that this sounds selfish! My husband has stage IV terminal lung cancer and councillors believe he is on the autistic spectrum. He has been controlling and abusive through most of our marriage with a lot of anger usually directed at myself and our children (now teenagers) who are struggling to know how to approach him and scared. In front of others he pretends everything is fine. Family don't see what he is like although we have tried to tell them - particularly his family, many of whom I feel have turned their backs on us. Despite the abuse we have a lot of compassion for his illness and have tried all we can to help but after three and half years we are worn out. I just keep taking a day at a time but any constructive advice would be gratefully received.

Many thanks

Hi blondie, I'm afraid I'll not be much help to you, i can't understand why people change like that. I'm living with uncurable cancer but I'd never treat my wife like some of the people on this string, i know stress and worry don't help but no way, i was diagnosed Feb 2016 so you can see it's not a new thing I'm going through. Hope you can sort something out soon best wishes...... Billy 

Hi June,

It sounds like you and your children have had a lot to put up with over the years. I have a theory that having a life-threatening illness can exagerrate someone's personality and behavioural problems. 

It is hard for non-specialists to diagnose an autistic spectrum disorder as many of the symptoms are shared with other long-term conditions such as a personality disorder, psychopathy or sociopathy but either way the chances are that his family are aware of this issue and have been in denial for decades.

Short of recording his abusive behaviour and threatening to share it with his family, I can't really suggest anything practical on that side of things.

On the care side, if you haven't already done so, ask his GP for a referral to MacMillan, Maggies, Marie Curie or whatever other services are available. Don't accept any nonsense that he wants only his wife and children to care for him, that's just another form of controlling behaviour. You and your children deserve a break and if help is available you should take it. His behaviour may be different in front of professional strangers. You might ask his GP or specialist nurse to review his pain control and anxiety medication - none of us behave ideally if we are in constant pain or feeling anxious all the time.

I wish I had more to suggest.

Best wishes

Dave

Hi there ...

Oh my .. I hope you've popped back and read Dave's advice ... it's really good ... 

I know it's harder said then done .. but no one should ever be controlled by bad behaviour... it's the reason, but nt an excuse to treat those trying to help, so badly they end up crying ... I've told my family if ever I get like that .., go ... till I calm down .. which hopefully will never come ... it's a bit like a spoiled child , screaming till they get their own way .. the more you give in, the worse the tantrums get ... if you go out or move away every time they are angry, 99% will change over time if they get nowhere from their actions ... and one thing I've learned through life is never ever scream back .. or yell .. it makes everything 10 times worse ... but get out somewhere safe and then scream and get it out ... just not in the middle of the supermarket ... and know, if you do it right it will get slowly more manageable... it's not overnight cure .. but sticking to the plan will get you through ...

And lastly don't let someone I'll dictate who does what ... otherwise you'll burn out ... accept help .. and give yourself a break .. do something different .. and be kind to your self .. get those children away to do something fun .. children should be protected from anger .. because that's what they will remember ..

Saying that .. I know how hard it is ... this cancer journey ... but it's hard on everyone ... 

May 2020 be kinder to you all ...  big hug to all carers ... Chrissie x