Oh hunny ...

There's nothing any of us can say to make things easier ... I'm always thinking of you both ... and when ever you need a buddy ... you know where to find me ..  I'm giving you a vertual hug right now ...

Chrissie 

Hi what a lovely thing to say to you you must go on as hes with you crissies right theres nothing we can say to make you feel better other than we are thinking of you and hope you keep us posted i remember your lovely post you sent to me so right back at you there .you realy have our best wishs .paul

 Thank you both, your kind words really help. I know I must go on, and I know I will because if I don’t I am letting Steve down –  he married a strong woman, and whilst this disease tests us to the absolute extremes, and saps every ounce of our energy and ultimately, in our case, hope,  it won’t take both of us.   And Steve is right, over 33 years we have become one and the same person. So if one of us goes on we both do. 

 I’m off to put my game face on, hold his hand and tell him how much I love him. 

 Much love to you both. And thank you again 

Hi SusanRuth,

What a horrible position to be in. I have gone through this with both of my parents and know just how hard it is. I am glad that you can both share your innermost feelings with one another and the concept of you both living on in each other is so touching.

I agree with Chrissie and Paulus that no words can help at this time.

I am thinking of you both and wishing you the strength to see this through.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine and thank you for supporting me. 

 Steve is doing okay following his latest procedure. He is hoping to restart chemo again in about 10 days if he is strong enough so my job is to make sure he is looked after when he gets home, hopefully in the next three or four days. 

 Like many, many people I am so scared of the months and years that stretch out ahead of me. Trying to get my head around the loss of Steve is like trying to understand the concept of the universe – it is just too huge. 

 I’m sorry you watched your parents go through this, weirdly both of my parents are still alive and in relatively good health for their ages. It is the younger generations that seem to be dying of this God awful disease, well, it is  in our family. 

 Take care of yourself and thank you again for looking out for me and everyone else you support on this forum. 

Xx

Hi SusanRuth,

I have absolutely no doubt that Steve will be waited upon hand and foot when he arrives home. I am glad to hear that he has had the fluid drained and, is still contemplating re-starting chemo in 10 days or so.

Here’s hoping that he can cope with it this time. I agree that it is mostly the young folk in our family that have succumbed to cancer too. I have lost 3 young cousins this year alone.

You sound as if you have already started the grieving process. Try not to dwell on what inevitably lies ahead for now. Enjoy the time you have left together and make the most of it. Take life day by day or even hour by hour just now. How is Steve keeping, apart from the fluid retention?

Thinking of you both and praying that the chemo will give you more time together.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

 Hello again Jolamine

 Physically Steve is quite weak, he has lost a lot of weight. Because of the amount of vomiting he has endured over the last few days he has damaged his vocal chords and throat so he is unable to speak particularly well. He also has to be careful when he is eating and drinking that he doesn’t aspirate. He has bruises all over his arms from injections and whatnot and he has a tube coming from his heart which is draining fluid into a bag. But he is much better than he was and thank goodness his heartbeat has slowed and he doesn’t sound like a paper bag, rattling every time he breaths. 

Mentally Steve is as at peace with what is happening as it is possible to be. He is without doubt the bravest man I have ever known. His thoughts are all for the people he is leaving behind and his little dog who will miss her dad very much I think.  He is even trying to arrange to donate his body to science so that it can be used to track the progression of his disease. Hopefully, in some small way he will help another family  get a more positive outcome in the future. 

You are right, I think I have started grieving, when I came home from the hospital earlier I could not stop crying,  I cried for about four hours straight.  But then I realised that Steve is still with me, still fighting on and amazingly still smiling.  So I need to save my grieving until the time is right. 

 Thanks again for your kindness. 

Xxxx

Ruth,

So sorry to read that you've reached this stage. I hope you find some way of relieving the fluid build up and managing the pain. 

Thinking about you both.

Best wishes

Dave

 Thanks Dave, our story isn’t going to have a happy ending, but you are a bright shining light. I’m so chuffed that you are beating this God awful disease 

Ruth x

Hi again SusanRuth,

I would expect Steve to be pretty weak after all he’s been through. I am sorry to hear that talking is so difficult for him. This must be difficult for both of you. My mother-in-law, who was like a mother to me, died 3 weeks ago. We nursed her at home in a hospital bed, with carers coming in 3 times a day to see to her needs. Unfortunately, she was profoundly deaf in the past few years and latterly we had no verbal communication, which we found very upsetting, particularly for my 97 year old father-in-law.

It is not easy to find suitable food when Steve is having these difficulties. Is he still managing to eat normal food or is he now on build up drinks?

I am glad to hear that he is greatly improved from when he was admitted to hospital and that his breathing has improved so much.

It is good that he is so at peace with all that is happening to him. He must be so brave, as it is not easy to get into the right frame of mind. I remember my mum being terrified at this stage. My own husband has heart failure and he is donating his body to medical research too. I hope that between the two of them, some good can come for others.

Don’t worry about crying so much. It is said to be a great release valve, so let the tears flow. Yes, you are already coming to terms with the inevitable and naturally grieving, but most people start to grieve when they see a loved one failing over many months.

I think that you are both strong people who have been through the wringer recently and I only wish that you could remain together forever.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx