So sorry you are going through this. It’s such an awful situation isn’t it. Your feelings re: wanting him  to go sleep / not wanting him to die are ok to feel - and nothing to be ashamed of.

my mum is currently dying of pancreatic Cancer and I’m struggling with the same feelings too. Because we love them so much, we don’t want them to suffer. But at the same time, we just wish wish WISH  that none of this was happening.

Just know that there are others out here going through the same thing. Try not to think beyond the day ahead. It’s difficult I know - but you can’t predict when exactly something will happen. 

Im truly having an awful time, too. I’m an only child and my father passed years ago, so my mum is all I have. 

Hang on in there. It’s all we can do.

lots of love xxx J

Thank you J for your reply, 

I agree with everything you said.  I am just taking everyday as it comes & not looking too far into the future.

For some unknown  reason everything just seemed to get on top of me the other night. It was just like a wave of emotions that came out of nowhere. Think I had just got a wee bit to much time on my hands at that particular  moment!!  (if only)

I hope you have some amazing friends  & extended  family supporting you through this. I know how lonely it can somtimes feel & I have 5 Brothers going through  it with me. 

Hope your mum is having & has many good days .

Sending you lots of strength, love & hugs 

take care S xx

I lost my dad in November 2016 to prostrate cancer which had gone into his bones and then spread to his liver.,  I had every emotion you have.  Watching someone you love suffer is awful and you cannot but wish it all goes away.  There are always levels of guilt .... feeling bad about some of your thoughts, have you done enough, wishing it would all go away .....  just take it one day at a time, create memories, talk about things if they want to, don't push things if they don't.   When you are watching someone suffer, of course you want it to all be over.  Once it was, i felt relief ...... and calm.  Then all very bittersweet when you start to remember them healthy rather than sick.  That was the hardest part afterwards or me.  Be kind to yourself xx