Together we will beat cancer


Disappointment with "friends"

23 Sep 2020 08:26

So, I'm not sure if this is the right place to vent my frustration, but I'm really disappointed with some of my friends. Before I was diagnosed with cancer I was fairly fit and healthy, I have taken on Tough Mudder 6 times, I was a kickboxer, and went on long distance runs. I took part in a Tough mudder event one year to raise money for a children's cancer charity that my kickboxing group sponsored, however, tables have turned and not a single friend on FB (other than family) has made a donation to my charity walk I am registered for next year.


Come to think of it, those who seemed genuinely concerned that I have cancer, only seemed to care at the time and now don't even check how I am, almost a year on after the diagnosis.


Kinda makes you wonder really who your true friends are

Disappointment with "friends"

23 Sep 2020 08:59 in response to toughmuddertim


If something like this happens you find out who your true friends are, alot of people on the forum have said the same thing as you. 

Sorry should welcome you first to the club nobody wants to join. 

It is a good place to vent or just to talk about things we think we're more a big family helping each other the best we can.

Hope all is going well. 


Disappointment with "friends"

23 Sep 2020 09:28 in response to toughmuddertim

hello Toughmuddertim,

                                  pilot whales or herbivores? The whales rush to another in distress placing themselves in the exact same danger.Sick or wounded herbivores go or are left outwith the herd so as not to attract predators.


With humans there seems to be a natural urge to distance oneself from friends that get taken ill.That is not to say we do not care,strangely you will find that people find it easier to care for complete strangers.Your friends will find it easier to do the same,almost like a fear of association of a close sick friend might rub off on them.Perversely caring for a stranger who becomes a friend is fine.Its not everyone,but there is a lot


l am sure there are far more cleverer people than myself who could explain this better,but l have witnessed this all my life.


Good luck with the walk and as a stranger l will attempt to find your sponsership page on facebook and donate,


Disappointment with "friends"

29 Sep 2020 17:26 in response to toughmuddertim

I hope your doing ok!

I just wanted to say I know exactly what you mean about friends , all but three of mine were nowhere to be seen when I had breast cancer last year.

My parents always said if you can count your best friends on one hand by time your 70 your doing well and it's very true x

Disappointment with "friends"

1 Oct 2020 18:00 in response to gruntifen

Hi there, I hope you are well?


My post was just a way of venting my frustration, as I knew most of the people for a number of years in different ways, and yet it only seems like only a couple of them have made donations, despite knowing of my diagnosis, and what my charity walk is for, and also despite raising money for their childrens cancer charity. 


The other thing I have just thought of, is that to start with, I had a handful of people who seemed to be concerned about my condition, however the messages of support or "check-ins" have stopped. I made the effort into reaching out to a few people who I lost contact with before being diagnosed (only 4 or 5 people). Only 1 replied, but after a few messages that came to a halt as well. 


But hey ho, life goes on 

Disappointment with "friends"

1 Oct 2020 18:18 in response to Fifigibbo

Hey, I'm ok thanks hope you're well?

I'm sorry to hear of your diagnosis, have you finished treatment?

I have gotten to the point where I have given up on trying to make friends with people, as it only seems to be a friendship as and when it suits them. In a couple of weeks time it'll be a year since being diagnosed, and although those friends on Facebook have stopped asking how I am or sending supportive messages etc I'm glad that I have the family I have as I couldn't have gorren through thhe last 12 months without them. 

It's actually sad to say, but my 3 and 4 year old nephews have mmore friends than me! Lol.

I don't get some people, I mean, I've been shielding since March, and for about the first couple of months I was getting messages from a couple of colleagues from work asking how I'm doing etc, but that soon stopped. Which is disappointing as not only did I seem to get on well with everyone, one of them has even had breast cancer, so would have thought she would have there a bit more, also 4 of us who work in the same workplace all live on the same street, not more than 5 minutes away from each other.

Hope you're doing well, hopefully I might have at least 1 friend by 70, not that far away really lol


Disappointment with "friends"

1 Oct 2020 19:00 in response to toughmuddertim


Please think of the the forum as a big family everyone helping everyone else nomatter what we all still together nomatter what, most have been there and done that. Got the tee shirt. 

As you have found out a good place to vent or just talk. 

Hope things keep going well. 

There is a chance some your friends will come back to you some are scared what to say worried about saying the wrong thing and think better not to say anything then worried about not talking for so long how to make it right again.


Disappointment with "friends"

1 Oct 2020 20:01 in response to toughmuddertim

Hi Tim,

What you're going through isn't unusual - I've always found that fair weather friends quckly fall by the wayside. My youngest son was diagnosed with severe autism about 30 years ago - at that point people I had known most of my life and even been on holiday with just faded away.. The plus side was that the void was filled with people I met in similar situations who truly empathised with what me and my wife were going through. 

Fast forward 25 years and once again fair weather friends disappeared when my cancer diagnosis was confirmed. Like you, I did a charity event (Sail4Cancer) and I was amazed by the generosity of people I hardly knew - but who became friends. Cancer touches almost everyone's family - some run away from it but others genuinely understand what you and your family are going through. 

On the plus side - my oncologist was keen to explain that the fitter a body was, the better the chances of surviving the therapy. If you're a tough mudder that must weigh in your favour ... every little helps!


Good luck!


Disappointment with "friends"

2 Oct 2020 10:54 in response to Billygoatt

Hi, thanks for your reply Happy


To be honest, I've kinda given up on the idea of "friendship" for rreasons already mentioned in other posts), and just thankful for those who are for me. Kinda hurts that I've been shielding since March and most of the people I work with have not been in touch, aroud 5 people did to start with but have dropped off the radar, which is more disappointing as 1 of them had breast cancer so would have expected a bit more from her at least.  




Stay safe



Disappointment with "friends"

2 Oct 2020 11:31 in response to toughmuddertim


slightly different scenario but my fiancé went through this at the end of last year when he had a heart attack. Initially all his friends were in touch with me to keep checking how he was and some were even annoyed with me when they weren't able to visit the hospital because he wasn't well enough for visitors. He then had 12 weeks at home - plenty of time for visitors and he really wanted to see people... He was shocked and upset at who did and didn't bother with him. Some seemed only interested in the hospital drama bit! He said it was a real wake up call to who his real friends are. 
I hope you're ok and have some friends that have stuck by you through all of this. 


Disappointment with "friends"

2 Oct 2020 11:33 in response to davek

Hi Dave hope you're good, thanks for the kind words


Sorry to hear about your son and yourself, difficult times. Another reason I'm disappointed is the fact that the people who I expected to be there who should have been there, people who despite our differences I would have wanted to at least show a sign of caring. 


My father, who is a bit of a c**t at times, I haven't been in contact for give or take 20 years, has not shown any sign of interest in my condition or how it's affecting me. Years ago, I fell off a rooftop and when he heard about it he laughed. And he hasn't been in contact since either my diagnosis, after the 1st chemo failing, the second chemo failing, or having to have a stem cell harvest for a transplant which got postponed as the 2nd chemo failed. 


So yeah, just gonna wait and see who is there in the long run


Take care, all the best



Disappointment with "friends"

2 Oct 2020 20:09 in response to Sharon24

Hi Sharon, thanks for your reply  Happy


I'm sorry to have heard of your fiance, hope he is well now?


I totally understand and agree with what you're saying as there are a lot of people who I would have expected to be there for me but haven't. (I don't know how many of my posts/replies you've read, so to warn you I may be repeating myself lol). I can't believe it's going to be a year already since my diagnosis, and the 1 person who I would have liked to see some kind of interest/concern about my health, despite our differences would be my father. We have had no contact in about 20 years, and in past conversations with my younger brother who lives with him, he makes out that he's sad about the fact we don't speak etc. Yet he has not reached out when he heard of my canceer, or when my 1st type of chemo failed, or when my stem cell harvest had to be postponed because of chemo number 2 failing. 


I'll be honest, when you said you hope I'm ok and have some friends that have stuck by me through all of this, it's sad to say that's not the case on either. I'm not as strong as everyone makes me out to be. When I had my first type of chemo, I was having treatment on Monday, and back into work on Thursday the same, that doesn't make me strong, I was/am just trying to have a normal (ish) life. And I am scared. Although I'm still being told that my cancer is curable, and they're not coming away from that, I'm scared that I may not wake up one day, or to be told that the next scan shows it's spread or the chemo I'm currently on isn't working, 

There's 2 sayings, "bad luck comes in 3", and "3 time's a charm". I just hope in this case, it's the latter for me


Stay safe


Tim x