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Decisions decisions I just don't know!!

17 Jan 2013 00:17

Hi everyone!!

Well I haven't been posting and didn't realise how much this site has been helping me til I crashed - so I'm back!!

I put off decisions re treatment options for breast cancer until tomorrow so I could enjoy Christmas after having two ops (as some of you will know hi guys!!). Anyway I was able to let go and have a great time and I think I wanted to forget cancer so stopped posting here too!

Well once January came so did reallity and wham I got that feeling back ( I know you know what I mean).  I mustv done such a good job letting go because it was awful. January I find is a bit of a downer anyway so I was a bit low and at a loss as to what to do regarding treatment so was in a bit of a difficult place and still am and mtg is tomorrow!!

I had been trying to contact my manager all last week to let him know I've possibly got to have yet a third op etc etc but he was unavailable. Then on Friday I received a letter from him saying he wants a mtg asap to discuss my sick record and the impact on the service!! This floored me and upset and crying I called him and told him i thought it was disgusting and told him I'm not well enough for all that!! Can u beleive it.

I have had trouble functioning since and been having a nightmare that I'm burning alive in a fire and can't get out!! It's horrendous - my doctor gave me a letter to send him which I sent!!

I'm just starting to pick up from this today and need support so here I am. I've been distracted from options which I thought I would research last weekend but could hardly get up let alone anything else!!

So I'm back - in a sorry old state!!

Ann 

p.s. Hope all my friends here are well x

Re: Decisions decisions I just don't know!!

17 Jan 2013 01:49 in response to Afaith

Hi Ann, I'm so glad that you managed to banish the thought of cancer over Christmas sufficient to enjoy the holiday.

Dealing with a cancer diagnosis and all it entails is bad enough without work place worries too. I am glad that your GP has written a letter to your manager and hope that this helps to ease your situation.

If your meeting is tomorrow, you don¿t have long to wait to discuss your treatment options. Take a list of questions with you. With the right answers this might help you to reach a decision.

Your nightmares sound horrific. They will more than likely be stress related and will disappear as soon as you have reached a decision.

I haven¿t arrived at your stage yet. I have only had two bouts of primary cancer, involving a lumpectomy and a bilateral mastectomy, but found that the reality of having surgery was far easier to cope with than I had imagined beforehand.

Please let us know how you get on tomorrow and I hope that you can come to the right decision.

Jolamine xx

Re: Decisions decisions I just don't know!!

17 Jan 2013 06:52 in response to Afaith

Ann

So glad to welcome you  back to virtual support firstly cos I missed our silly 'bun fights' but mainly because like me you realise how important that unemotional linked support has become. Can't believe your manager's behaviour and am so sorry that you are having this additional upset when you going through so much anguish anyway.  Hope your meeting today is all you want it to be(your decision however hard it is/has been agreed to) and once your decision is made you will hopefully feel a certain amount of relief and can forget grotty January and march forward into February and that onwards and upwards recovery trip.

It was great to read that you had a wonderful Christmas, we did too. Hubby (freed from the chemo sickness) was able  to enjoy small Christmas dinner (the other 9 of us made up the family get-together) and we had 2 days of fun and laughter with not mention of that C word - bliss. May have been short lived but so glad to have had it!!! Hubby has his first post chemo oncologist meeting today (hes a bit jumpy and thoughtful) and think it will be just to outline his forward palliative care.  The chemo certainly did him some good despite the side effects as he is on less pain relief now so have to wait and see!!  His appetite is better and has put on over quarter of a stone which is a plus too.  Of course mentally we still have too much to think about (none of it very pleasant) regarding the future so am not going to that point if I can help it (easier said than done).

Well cant ramble too much (trying to eat breakfast before waking him upstairs and going out) but sending you lots of hugs and good wishes for today. Get the decision out there and hope someone going with you so you can have tea and cakes afterwards. On the very light hearted side I am thinking of joining you in a buttered bun (sorry Brian if you are reading this as I really dont want you to drop of your healthy regimen). Speak soon. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxJules

Re: Decisions decisions I just don't know!!

17 Jan 2013 10:23 in response to Afaith

Hi Ann,

I was ever so pleased to switch on my laptop and see your name appear. I have to say I have missed your great input on here and the friendly banter we had about you know what. I know that I'm not the only one who has missed you too as Jules has mentioned. I have to admit, I was just begining to get a little worried about you so it was so nice to see your name back on here this morning Ann.

I have to say I am totaly disgusted with your boss. I know you have so much else on your mind but I feel his attitudetowards you is threatening and borders on harrasment. So keep that letter he sent you in a safe place. I hate people like him. Its a good job I am not your husband for I would have marched into his office and told him a few simple facts of life.To send you a letter like that when you are allready feeling so low is absolutely despicable.

I am so sorry to read you are feeling so low so we will have to do somthing about that. I'm not asking for you to get out your violin and hankies Ann, but I have finnished all my chestnuts and wont be able to get any more until late October. On top of this, my wife has put me on a diet and what more she is supervising it herself. So no more nuts of any sort and this includes donuts, penuts, cashew nuts, walnuts, brazil nuts, pistacheo nuts, cob nuts, ect.  You must think i'm nuts. Dont tell anyone Ann but you wont be far wrong!!!!!!!!!!    What am I going to do Ann????? I shall waste away if this diet thing keeps up for long. Honestly, joking aside Ann, I could do with losing some weight but I wont tell my dear wife this for she will only cut my food intake even more.

I hope that you are now able to fucus on your decision making and I feel sure you will make the right choice. I also hope that you are soon back to your normal cheery self, even if it ends up with you pulling my virtual leg, so to speak about you know what!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Take care Ann, I so pleased to see you back on here, please take good care of yourself, best wishes for tommorow, Brian

Re: Decisions decisions I just don't know!!

17 Jan 2013 15:07 in response to woodworm

Hi guys hope you don't mind one reply to all three!

Jolamine

thankyou for your reply it's good to speak with another lady with breastcancer!! I think actually you may be further along the process having had a mastectomy? Think I'm leaning towards at least another op.

I reluctantly moved my appointment to next Thursday to give myself time to recover and hopefully will have the strength to research get questions ready etc etc. It wasn't easy to put it off and feel bad at not feeling able when others are in worse positions but there it is!!

My nightmare was horrific and the after feelings - ikept seeing my charred body in my mind!! My friend said that what you call burnt out!! It made me laugh coz I thot yes that's exacly what I am!! Anyway i'm not having it now so it's fine!!

Jules

I'm so pleased your hubby is doing better after a wonderful family Christmas!! Isn't it bloody marvelous to have a cancer free mind for a while?!! Heaven!! You mustv fed him good good and proper for him to put on so much weight already. I think having good times and lifting the spirit is just as important as medical treatment!! Strengthening self is most important . That's what I think was so bad about my managers letter - it wasn't supportive at all quite the opposite!!

God I feel like a whimp tho jules when I think what you and your hubby are having to think about and discuss!! Cross bridges as they come eh!! Thankyou so much for the lovely welcome back jules!!

Brian

hello you poor starved thing!! And I think I've got problems - you must be in hell without your nuts Brian!! I'm seriously playing the violin as we speak! My that's a long time to go without no wonder you go nuts - er I mean mad when they do appear again!! All those nuts can't be good for you anyway!! What about munching carrot instead they're nice and crispie? Mind you that would mean you could start looking like a rabbit instead of a squirrel- your wife might not recognise you!!

Thankyou for your lovely supportive welcome back Brian. I'm sorry to have you starting to worry I would be the same. You made ma laugh - to think of someone going in to the managers office and give him watfor!! When I called him I gave him whatfor over the phone and what you said about being disgusted was exactly how I felt and told him so!! He apologised and said it was a standard letter. I said it was thoutless and inconsiderate and he shouldv adapted it, I informed him how it affected me as I broke down. He apologised again but he went on to talk aboit the next stage in the process. I went blank then and couldn't listen so just said I would be sending another certificate in that it will be a while yet and I'm not well enough for this goodbye!! Devastating!!

Anyway glad your dads doing ok and have had some good news there and your keeping well apart from lack of nuts!! You'll get plenty here to keep you going!! Hee hee!! You'll be pleased to know I'm on a diet at moment just to loose Xmas excess so now cream buns for me!! Rivita with pumpkin seeds instead!!

No wonder I'm miserable!!

Lots of love Ann x

Re: Decisions decisions I just don't know!!

17 Jan 2013 15:33 in response to Afaith

Hi Ann,

No problems sharing responses - its shows how friendly this place is

You are no wimp. far from it and your manager has now idea how to manage!!  can't believe he could be so insensitive. They have no idea and just want to follow the process without thinking. My boss keeps asking if I can do extra as we have an audit coming up and when I said no (we are clearing Mum's rental accommodation that week) he was quite miffed!!!

He was somewhat red- faced by the time I had finished the conversation, telling him that no job would ever come before family commitments to which he had the gall to say, I understand you have 'a situation' at home but I dont think he has a clue. Good job I dont share these comments with my hubby as he would tell me to walk and to be honest I think I need to carry on whilst its possible otherwise I may explode some days.

I see that you are still thinking (and doing it without the help of 'nice eats' is doubly stressful). At least you know you will  have thought it all through and like Brian I know you will do what is best for you and your wellbeing. We will try and support you the best way we know how but now I am thinking healthy (and imagining Brian as a rabbit rather than a squirrel)  maybe a home made knickerbocker glory (minus the glory!!) would lift the spirit. Why is is when we are down all we think about is comfort food though it does give me more cushioning to sit on

Hubby had his hosp. post chemo appointment today (doc over an hour late) and was told they will just be monitoring for now and he is to carry on with his current pain relief.  Unless he feels any different he will go back in around 8/10 weeks.  So still taking it a few days at a time and he is hoping to be able to do a few part time days in the near future.

Do take care of yourself Ann

Best wishes Jules

Re: Decisions decisions I just don't know!!

17 Jan 2013 16:54 in response to Afaith

Hi Ann

I was going to enquire to the others you haven't been around for a while.  I was a bit shocked to read about the letter your manager sent you and also the tone of it .

Good for you letting him know exactly how you felt even though it upset you at the time.  Some people can be so insenstive at times.

I think it is time to allow yourself a nice cream cake - did you notice I didn't say cream bun this time - spoil yourself rotten.

I am glad you had an enjoyable Christmas Ann but then I think January puts a downer on everything it is such a rotten month of the year - cold and depressing.

I take it you don't have to go to that meeting tomorrow following your doctor's letter.  Let's hope your manager is thoroughly ashamed of himself for putting you under undue stress whenever he reads the letter.

Glad to see you back on form Ann

Mickied

Re: Decisions decisions I just don't know!!

17 Jan 2013 17:34 in response to Afaith

Hi Ann,

Thanks for the reply. Regarding what you said about eating the pumpkin seed, next time we speak I think we might hear you tweeting like a budgerigar !!!!!!!!!!!!!! . 

I am so glad you gave that overbearing idiot what for. Some people have no comprehension of what having cancer is like and don't realize it affects us both physically and emotionally.

I think you have done the right thing by putting off your appointment until next Thursday. There are times when you have to do what is right for you.

Thank you for the comments regarding my dad. That was kind of you to remember when you have problems of your own. You could be right about the rabbit as my wife bought a big bag of carrots today, Don't know what she has in mind for me???????????? Could she be thinking replacement for my nuts???????

Anyway. take care if yourself Ann, will talk again soon, Brian

Re: Decisions decisions I just don't know!!

17 Jan 2013 19:52 in response to Afaith

Hello Ann,

Sorry you have been having such a rough time lately.  Your boss sounds like a real ***************** (insert appropriate word, the worse the better).  Of course if that was his wife or himself going through what you are going through just now then he might suddenly have a brain wave and see things differently.  It reminds me of when my Dad was in intensive care after a bad reaction to his chemo.  I was told to phone my boss and when I did he asked when I thought I might be coming back and was it really worth sitting with my Dad when I could be at my work.  I cannot repeat on a publicly viewed internet site what I replied to him, suffice to say it felt good even though I did spend the next week or two worrying if I would have a job to come back to.  You and your health come first - some people really do have difficulty seeing past the ends of their own noses, I hope the doctor sorted him out as much as you did with the letter.  Anyway, nice to hear from you again.  Hope you are feeling more positive soon.  Dont be too strict on that diet of yours, Katielouie x   

Re: Decisions decisions I just don't know!!

19 Jan 2013 14:31 in response to Afaith

Hi Ann,

Just to update you regarding my diet. My wife has just got hold of a book with a very long title called, "How to make exotic nibbles from carrots as a replacement diet for chesnuts", written by someone named Bun. E. Rabbit.

Joking aside Ann, I have just had another e-mail from my sister in Canada regarding my father. He has had another small op to put in a stint to drian the bile from his pancreas. But overall he is much better than he was.

Hope you have not had to go out in the snow Ann. Where I live in West Sussex I guess we have had about two inches. Or fifty milimeters if your metric minded. I forgot to say like Jues, I didnt mind you replying to all three of us at one go.

Please take care Ann, best wishes to you, Brian

Re: Decisions decisions I just don't know!!

19 Jan 2013 18:01 in response to woodworm

Hi Brian

Loved the carrot talk! we only had around 2ins of snow and the grandson  has used most of what fell on the back garden to make a snowman!!  Was out early to pick up hubbys prescription but since then have watched  the changing scene outside from the warmth of the lounge!! Apparently we have another snowfall due tomorrow so will don my new 'zebra wellies' to go and visit Mum.

Hope your Dad continues to recover well from his op, amazing for his age. Take care.  Jules

Re: Decisions decisions I just don't know!!

21 Jan 2013 21:24 in response to jules54

Hi guys!!

Thanks to all of you for your support it's good to know I'm not just someone over reacting and that others feel exactly the same about my managers behaviour!!

Katiebolou

thankyou for sharing your story about your boss when your dad was ill. The phrase some people can't see further than the end of their nose was so fitting!! It really made me laugh!! It's always hard to know exactly what someones going through when you havnt been there yourself but that was just thoughtless and cold!! Thanks for support Hun!!

Mickied

so nice to hear from you!! How are you? Chest? Job? I'm afrain I've had a cream bun or two didn't last very long did it mickied!! Like you say January is pAnts anyway - terrible month to go on a diet!!

Brian jules

Well you had me going then for a minute!! Bun e rabbit gave it away!! Thought someone had stole my fortune for a minute!! It did make me laugh!! So glad you got positive news about your dad he's a strong man isn't he brian!

I went to Kent at weekend on retreat with some friends to Aylesford friary. I do love it there - one of my friends is a doctor and was able to have a chat with him which was nice. Oh yes brian and I met a man called jim who has prostate cancer and finding decisions about treatment difficult. I told him about cancerchat and about men like yourself who have been there!! I do hope he joins!! We'll see.

Anyway had to leave early Sunday morning as snow was falling thick and fast. Got home and gathered friends and family for sledging fun in the local park it was such fun. I'm feeling much better. Will prepare for appointment which is now Wednesday and feel more prepared for that!!

Big Hugs Ann

Re: Decisions decisions I just don't know!!

21 Jan 2013 21:46 in response to Afaith

Hi Ann

Sounds like the Friary plus snow break was just what you needed and so pleased you feeling  better in yourself. No diet is a good diet and the odd bun is good for wellbeing when January gets you down . I have just eaten a slab of banana and sultana cake, hand delivered by my son's girlfriend so wont need supper later!!!  Visited my Mum yesterday, a lovely half hour stroll in the new snow. She was surprised I had bothered. She is always a bit low this time of year - think winter gets to her though strangely in the good old days she used to go to Switzerland for Christmas because it looked the part!! Over the next couple of weeks we have to clear her rented flat (she has not been back since April 2012) and social services have now confirmed she is to stay in the care home as she is unable to look after herself due to poor mobility and her mental state (she is bi polar and still talks of death as sees no point now that she cannot be independent). Its quite sad but I go, hold her hand, bring her up to date with family news, update her photo board and make sure she knows what is going on. She is quite capable of making decisions and has sorted her financial affairs and is as 'good as gold' for  the staff. She just refuses to take part in any of the activities and despite being an avid reader now does not do anything but sit in the chair and wait for the next meal.  Still, at least I know she is in a safe warm place. Just hoping the weather clears by next week as we have booked van and the family are all taking a days leave to help with clearance..

Hope all goes well for your meeting.

Best wishes and hugs  Jules

Re: Decisions decisions I just don't know!!

22 Jan 2013 01:26 in response to jules54

Bless you jules!!

And bless your mother too!! My husbands father has Alzhiemers and is permanantly in hospital in Wales. It's heartbreaking to c people deteriorate and he can't do anything now. He is reduced to a word or two which is more like a mumble!! He couldn't remain in the home he was in due to health needs!! Ithink I'm telling you this hoping for it to be a comfort that she's in a comfortable place with people who can look out for her and help her join in as much or little as she wants to jules. It must be hard for you. I often get sad my mother doesn't want to do much and feel she must be lonely and sad but she's actually quite happy to sit around watching daytime tv and pottering around!! It's me that wouldn't be happy like that- well not for long!!

Yes the snow helped the little girl come out to play and enjoy herself!! Ha! We took a couple of 5 year olds with us. It was wonderful to c their confidence grow with the slege and the size of the hills they were prepared to go down screaming and laughing their little heads off!! Shouting afterwards 'let's do that again!!'

Thanks for the support jules coming on here having some fun and meditation on retreat helped so much!! I used to do meditation regularly but all out of window with surgeries along with exercise which helps get rid of stress I really need to do a bit more!!  ( I'm exercising the fingers at the moment aren't I?? Ha! Ha!) I might join Brian and nibble some carrots - exercise the elbow!! What do you think we could eat to exercise the waist??

Don't forget to look after yourself a bit jules!!

Ann

Re: Decisions decisions I just don't know!!

22 Jan 2013 07:40 in response to Afaith

Thanks so much Ann for your caring response. Despite your own fight you always manage to lift my spirits with your words of fun and also understanding. It seems that whilst my hubby is fighting the fight (and feeling a little stronger ) I find it difficult to switch off and things I used to be able to organise with my eyes shut come harder. I am so lucky to have family around me to take on the 'lets get it done this way' and knowing we are doing it together will make it just that bit easier. It will be a strange few days but ultimately will bring some peace into my life to have dealt with it and be able to concentrate on the home support as and when needed.

I am still being stared at from the garden by the snowman and am extremely glad I dont work Tuesdays as I dont have to venture out too early!!  Having just had brekkie (healthy) I am now pondering your question as to what to eat to exercise the waist. Does eating whilst hula-hooping work I wonder. The best thing I can recommend for the waist is.................... elasticated waistband and a large hot chocolate to keep warm.  New year diets rarely worked for me so I am planning ahead - salad in the summer- its just that Brian has started early with the carrots!!!!

Hope you and the family are managing to keep warm and sending quilted hugs to keep you going. Jules