Your messages are really making me feel better, and @davek I really appreciate the support from you guys. I'm sure your husband was so grateful knowing that you were there trying for him, my dad is really loving us all being there helping him he's told us he feels so lucky to have us and so loved. That gives me massive comfort just knowing he knows we're here to look after him.
Youre so right about the emotional stress. I'm a really practical person, I'm quite blokey like that, I cut through the rubbish and look for solutions to fix things but this has floored me. And it's not even about me! I'm having to stay strong for them both and for my children, I am basically the one who holds it all together but mum squeezed my arm yesterday when I was sat on the sofa and I thought don't! Don't start that because I won't be able to do this if you do. I'm really worried about my own situation too. I had a career as a motorcycle instructor for the DSA for ten years, I gave up because I had my girls. I took a job in events when they were first born but it took its toll all the long hours etc and having to rely on my parents for childcare so I decided to take a part time job, be a partly stay at home mum and claim tax credits, not ideal but had to be done temporarily. The twins are in school full time and now that my older two are settled with their places at university I'd been organising studying a degree in psychology and counselling with the open university. To kick start myself a new career so we wouldn't have to struggle and to also give myself something useful to do because I don't like being home. Now it's all turned on its head. I couldn't take my new little job because dad got diagnosed and now I'm faced with caring for both parents. I want to care for them it's not a problem to me, theyre my mum and dad, I can't think about much else at the moment except are they ok!! But I'm scared of facing the next I don't know how many years of my life being a carer because I won't have any money, I'll have no time, I'm facing the next part of my future out of work and on benefits and that was never a consideration for me and it hurts. I'm 42, I didn't have long to start up a new career you know? I've already this last three weeks had to let certain bills slide because it's cost a fortune, petrol, parking, extras for mum and dad and us, silly things like grabbing a coffee and a sandwich etc...I'm really worried about how this is going to work out. If I didn't have the children I wouldn't worry but I've really got to come up with a plan to make it so we're OK here and my parents are more than ok there! At the moment I'm failing to see how I can do this but I will, it'll be ok. This worry along with the fact that we are watching dad die and my mothers heart break is just horrible. My Aunty is really nice, she's just retired from nursing and she's told me I'm not on my own I can ask for help anytime and she's been brilliant and my nan and uncle so it's not like I'm completely alone but ultimately it's my responsibility to make this work you know? And I am feeling the pressure already even now which I feel really bad for saying.
Anyway, it's 7am already-I have a bath waiting for me! I'm going to put a dress on today and a bit of makeup to lift me! I went to my parents in my pyjamas last night-it's not good enough!! Haha. Have a lovely day you two and I will let you know what's happening here real soon.