Dad depressed and giving up

My Dad has a terminal diagnosis (no one has given a clear prognosis but my assumption would be less than a year) and was hoping for a transplant but unfortunately he wasn't well enough to qualify. Since getting turned down my Mum says he's been very depressed, he's crying a lot, sleeping a lot, not eating much and is pretty unresponsive and down. .He's becoming increasingly weak and frail. He doesn't want to talk to anyone, reply to texts or for his family to visit. It's been about 10 days since he didn't get accepted for the transplant now and I'm more worried he will die earlier than he should and without any peace because it feels like he's given up and shut his family out. 

I can't say I really understand what he's going through but from what the doctor told us his latest tests results today suggest he's not going to die imminently and that there's psychological issues at play so it feels like we could miss out on important times together unnecessarily. Which makes it all extra sad. He didn't have depression previously, he was always quite the typical old-fashioned male pull-yourself-together type although I think the spark had gone out of him a little since he retired a few years ago. The doctor visited him at home and said to my Mum she would rather not put him on anti-depressants because of the side effects. 

Has anyone else got experience of a parent behaving in this way and if so how did it play out? Is this likely to be a phase? Does anyone have any advice?

Thanks so much x

  • Hello waggledance and a big welcome to our forum, 

    This is all so sad it does sound like being turned down for this transplant had a profound effect on your dad and triggered or exacerbated his depression. This is not something that can just be shaken off and I think he will need some help to get through these depressive feelings. Perhaps, if the doctor thinks that anti depressants are not suitable for him at the moment because of the side effects, you could ask if there are other avenues he could explore, whether there is any other type of treatment available to him to help him feel better. 

    Unfortunately many here will be only too familiar with depression as it is sadly something that affects a lot of cancer patients. I remember I wrote a hot topic on this subject back in 2014 which you can read here and you are welcome to share your experience there too. We also wrote a blog post on the subject which you can read here and which I hope will be helpful to you. You will also find a whole section on our website on depression and cancer and there is in particular some advice on treating depression

    Our nurses are also only a free phone call away - you can reach them on 0808 800 4040 - their line is open Monday to Friday from 9am to 5pm. 

    But as there's nothing like hearing from personal accounts, I will now let our other members come forward and share their own experiences of dealing with cancer and depression or of looking after a parent or relative in a similar situation. 

    Best wishes, 

    Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator