Coping with my dad having cancer...

Hi, I’m not really sure how to start this... I’m 24, my dad was diagnosed with multiple myeloma in August 2016, and it’s safe to say I have really struggled with everything since that point. He had chemo until Dec 2016 and had his stem cell transplant in Feb 2017. The chemo has had such a harsh affect on his body that he is not very mobile anymore and can’t do a lot by himself. 

He is just not the dad I knew before and sometimes on a bad day that really upsets me. I work full time but take as much time off as I can to help, and I spend my evenings and weekends with him. I don’t have a lot of help and sometimes I find it hard to look after myself and also do everything else. 

I find it hard talking to my friends because I constantly feel like a broken record when I talk about my feelings and there isn’t much they can say so I guess they feel a little helpless. I feel very isolated as I’m always so stressed and upset about what’s happening. I feel like at some point it should get easier but all of a sudden I’ve blinked, it has been a year and I just feel like my state of mind hasn’t improved. I do my best to stay positive and happy when I’m with my dad because he needs me to be strong, but when I’m on my own that’s when I get upset. I think it’s because it’s all bottled up. 

My dad has a lot of therapy to help him walk and to harden his bones, but recently the symptoms have been returning and he has been in and out of hospital a lot which could mean a possible relapse. I feel like I’m back at square one and it’s been over a year since the diagnosis. 

I think I’m making myself sick worrying about my dad being sick, I spend all my spare time worrying about it, even if my dad says I don’t need to go down his house to do anything I will worry myself so much that I’ll end up going down there anyway. I don’t live with him and I hate the thought of him being alone, and I find it hard to leave him. I haven’t left his side since he was diagnosed and now I think that’s why I’m finding it really difficult to maybe start doing things for myself.

I’ve spoken to doctors and all they wanted to do was sign me off work which I couldn’t do, I didn’t think it would help.. maybe I’m ignoring advice? 

I don’t know anyone personally who would understand the situation and I feel a little bit lost.. hence why I am here. ️

Thank you for taking the time to read this! (Sorry it’s very long)

  • Hi Nikkiga,

    I have MM, diagnosed in October 16. Chemo till Feb 17 then radiotherapy in March. Lucky to achieve complete remission. In June I was rushed to A&E with radiation colitis which had turned to sepsis. Nearly died but woke up after op with no sigmoid colon and with 2 bags. Bags for life. So I've been very ill and close to death. I'm just starting to eat again after more than a year. I'm not immobile but can only manage a few metres with a wheelie walker. I mention all this only so you can see I'm in a somewhat similar position to your dad.

    I bet you'd wish for your dad not only life but quality of life. What I want for my wife and 6 adult kids is that they live their lives. That they have quality of life. And I reckon your dad wants the same for you, which is why he says it's not necessary for you to be there all the time. I think you should live your life. If your peace of mind requires you spend lots of time with him, fair enough, but you also need some respite. Caring for someone is physically and mentally exhausting and you need to make space for some life of your own, in order to stay whole and healthy.

    As for being 'strong' in front of your dad, nonsense. Share your emotions. Allow yourself and him to acknowledge your sadness, tiredness, happiness etc. Don't be afraid to cry in front of him or with him, he may get something positive from comforting his daughter and it will allow him to talk about any feelings or fears he may be holding back

    You only need to be 'sufficient to the moment'. None of us knows when we're going to relapse, only that we probably will. And none of us know what the next round of treatment will bring, in terms of remission or length of remission. We don't know how we're going to feel next week, or tomorrow, or in an hour. All we really know is how we're feeling now. All any of us can be is 'sufficient to the moment.

     

    Best Regards

    Taff

  • Hello Nikkiga.  It is some years now since my dad died; he didn't die from cancer but he was ill for some time.  He never wanted to cause any trouble for anyone.  I lived 300 miles from where he was and he would say that he didn't want me to come all this way to see him.  I ignored that and I think secretly he was pleased that I (and my sister who also lived some distance away) wanted to keep seeing him. Are you coping with your work okay - only you know if you would feel better taking time off work or whether you would just be spending more time worrying away on your own. It is unquestionably an awful time to go through and we can only do our best and what feels right for us.  I was very sad as I knew my dad was dying but I felt a little calmer knowing I was doing my best and what felt right for me.  But  it is stressful and I hope your friends and colleagues are supporting you; losing parents is something most of us have to go through.  You say that you know nobody who has been through what you are going through;  I guess you mean your dad's lengthy illness.  But there are certainly people on this forum who have cared for their parents during a lengthy cancer illness ; I hope some of them will be able to chat with you.

  • Hi Nikkiga, I'm 26 and watching my Dad go through this horrible battle with cancer too. I came across your post looking for information on what to expect in the last few months of life, as my dad has been deteriorating rapidly this last month. I don't think he has too much longer left sadly. Since he was diagnosed in September 2016 we knew it was only ever life prolonging treatment available as he was Stage 4. I was at that time living in Canada and 8 months pregnant with my now 1 year old son. Unrelated circumstances saw me having to come back to the UK and move back in with my parents. My dad was over the moon to have me back and spend time with his baby grandson, who at one point he thought that he'd never get to meet. I know this is horrible and isolating and worrying for you. And no one can understand unless they have been in similar circumstances. But we all find a way to muddle through and keep going, even if it's because we have no other choice. This last year I've done an awful lot of soul searching. Wondering how all this bad stuff can happen to a family. I have had my own health issues, stuff going on back in Canada, dealing with all the stuff with my dad and struggling living back with my parents and looking after my baby. It has been so so tough. But in this time I have been reflecting, I have come to a few realisations that I'd like to share with you in the hope that they might make you feel a little better. 1) no matter how bad life seems, there is ALWAYS something to be grateful for. Thinking about things you are grateful for can really help shift your perspective 2) anxiety and worry stops us from enjoying life and is an unnecessary human function. If we can find a way to let go of those anxious thoughts rolling around and around in our head and practice living in the moment we can step back and realise our worries our just thoughts, rather than reality. No one can ever be sure what their future holds and worrying about things we can't control won't change anything 3) meditation can really help soothe an overloaded mind. It might help to get some counselling too if you need to offload those rolling thoughts to someone who actually understands It's so hard. And you being there for your dad so much is a wonderful and selfless thing to do. But please make sure you are making time to look after yourself too. The best way that we can look after our loved ones is to look after ourselves first. I kind of think of it like when you travel on am aeroplane and they do the safety thing - put on your own oxygen mask before helping others! Also, I know you feel like you have to be strong for your Dad, but being open and talking about your feelings might help you both to let go. I've found that talking to my dad and both of us having a good hug and cry has been really helpful. Sending you so much love xo
  • I'm sorry to hear about your dad. I'm 27 and my dad was diangosed with Stage 4 Prostate cancer in July 2016. It is so difficult having to cope with life sometimes when it's difficult to know what is around the corner. I just wanted you to know that I can relate with you on a lot of the things you've said, and if you ever need to chat I'm always here to talk! 

    I know this difficult, but you have to try to find some things that make you happy apart from your dad. Your dad wants to see you happy. Trust me, this is something I've been struggling with the most, too. My dad has told me multiple times to just be happy, that's all he wants for me to be. I try to be happy, but it's very hard. 

    It's okay to do things to take your mind off of your situation even if it's for an hour or two. Sometimes I'll go play my guitar since that needs my full attention and it makes me feel a little better afterwards. Maybe pop in a movie that makes you cry and let everything out. Sometimes i have days where I just cry. Don't be sorry for the things that you feel. This is a very tough situation to go through, especially with us being so young and having to process the fact that we will lose our parents some day. I know this whole situations sucks, but just try to see the little positives around you. Some days are easier than others, some are harder. Life really does feel like a rollercoaster sometimes. 

  • My dad has just been diagnosed with the same cancer as it dad in Dec 17 and every single thing u wrote there about sounding lime a broken  record isolated and so on is exactly how I am feeling now that I have actually processed he has cancer. I don't no what to do or say I'm scared ill say the wrong thing.. I feel so lost xxx

  • Hi Taff, thank you so much for the reply, I have only just realised I had reply's on this! It is comforting in a way to hear it from your point of view, as I guess I have never talked about it with my dad for long enough, purely because he does not like to talk about it at length without him getting frustrated with his condition. My dad is the same, needs his walker and wheelchair to get around, glad you are starting to feel a little bit better, and this gives me a little bit of hope that my dad will also start to eat a bit more once his chemo symptoms wear off. I really hope you start to feel better soon :) 

    Nikki 

  • Thank you so much for this, i have only just realised i had replies and this is something I really needed to read today. The past month I really tried looking after myself, and I have even taken one evening a week to go to the gym, and not go down to visit him. I found it hard the first few weeks and ended up going down there after the gym - but now I am able to go and then just give him a ring and have a chat. It might only be one day a week but it is something I really did not think I could do when I posted on this forum.

    I hope the last month hasn't been too hard for you and your dad was able to spend time with your baby, that is precious. Sending lots of love also. xx

     

  • Hi Ruby,

    Sorry i have only just seen this post - I didn't realise anyone had replied!  hope you are okay, I am really sorry to hear about your dad, it is hands down the worst thing you can experience seeing your parents so ill. I hope your friends are supporting you! I always feel like a broken record and i do feel very isolated but sometimes it is just best to ask when you need help and support. 

    If you need a chat just let me know. I know how hard this can be xx

  • Hi I have recently just lost my dad to cancer he was battling it for a few years and then got the all clear ... but sadly last November he got really ill and was rushed to hospital he was kept in there for 4 months the staff were amazing though and they tried everything steam cell treatment he did chemotherapy, sadly none of this worked it had spread all through he body he had h lymphoma.. in April the sad news was broken he didn't have long left... I told work and my manager was not really supportive. She gave me 2 days off to.go see him. He was 5 hour journey away. About 2 weeks later I could not concentrate at work my main manager was away so I spoke to another one running it she gave me time to go spend with him , I wish I'd done it sooner as sadly 6 days later he passed away. I wish I'd spent more time with him and every second I could but it was hard with work the cost and traveling... he knew I loved him though.. and it has broken me. I feel like a zombie. So it's normal to want to talk about your dad to your friends etc your dad is a massive part of your life and I'm sure they will be there when you need them most. Just spend all the time you can with your dad as this horrible thing called cancer takes them away so quick. It hard aswel because no one understand how it feels until there hone and I'm struggling right now I hope it gets better I'm not sleeping etc... I thought I would post on here mabye it would help listing and reading and talking to others who are and have gone through the same thing. X