Gord - thank you, yes I am still very lost and for some reason the last few weeks have been the worse. The counsellor puts it down to the fact that reality is kicking in now, and my beloved wife is not returning.
I have counselling now twice a week, my GP called me in as he was concerned about my well-being and he also persuaded me to check out CRUS and they have been very helpful as well. My life has changed, my wife was my best friend and my very fabric - she made me a better person for the 30 years we were together, and I miss her every second of every day - She was also a fantastic mum, and I have to bring up 3 teenage daughters whilst still maintaining some normality and dealing with "teenage girl issues", whilst also sorting out the house, chores etc and work - it's no mean feat, and although I was caring for my wife for most of last year, she has instilled in me the notion to "get up and get on with it" and I have her ringing in my ear every day with every decision I make. (When I say ringing in my ear, in a good way - as I never ever dissed my wife even if we argued !)
I have set a goal now to carry on and "do right by her" and that means sorting out the hospital, getting her memorials installed, painting the house, doing the garden etc (my wife before she passed made notes about her funeral, and also a list of all paint colours in the house as I never chose colours !) she was very methodical, but I know she is alive in me and the children.
The hardest part is that it is now been 3 months, and the phone has stopped ringing - yes I have a small close circle of friends, but when you are breaking down, crying, and calling out for her its usually when your alone - and my heart is broken - I have no real purpose in life, and what I mean by that is not the Children, but everyone has plans in life, make money, work, retire - like every couple we did - we wanted to retire and spend time together, that's all we lived for - and during her service one of her work friends came up to me and she said to me - whenever I went to lunch with your wife, all she would say is "I'm only happiest when I am with Simon...." and that was us for 30 years, just holding hands, being together and being in love - but those plans for the future have gone, their is no "Plan B" and I dread to think I will be alone for the rest of my days on earth without her.
It's the emptiness and the pain that is uncontrollable - an example of this is a recent visit to the dentist - I have had constant pain in my mouth/teeth for many years and indeed it was my wife who got me through my fears - When I visited them last week the dentist said to me "Wow has the pain gone away..." I said "No the pain is still there, but to be honest the pain I am feeling inside is worse than the physical pain I have now" that is how I feel, a paper cut, or any physical pain is nothing now since I have lost my beloved.
Gillian - I would like to say I am sorry for your lost, but topcatturner is right, stuff them - you are fulfilling your husbands wish - One solution is what we did for my wife.
My wife was cremated (she left it to us and we all spoke about it as a family when she was alive) and we always wanted some jewellery commissioned with her ashes, and... a place to visit her grave - so we had her 90-95% of her ashes interned in a cemetery in a plot so me and the girls could visit (and I visit her every week and sit with her on a portable chair and read and talk to her) and I have also ordered a memorial so anyone who wants to visit her can.
The rest of her ashes have now been turned into necklaces for me and the girls, and a wrist bracelet so she is always with us.
You don't need this interference or the hassle, like us you are grieving - you are fulfilling your husbands wishes, however there is an option to get some or all of the ashes interned in a cemetery like us so people can visit and then they can go and visit, but you do whats right for you no one else.
Hope this helps, and I want to say thank you all for reaching out to me - I am struggling, and low, depressed, empty and hollow inside - and I long for the days to see my beautiful wife and hold her in my arms - I miss her dearly, and I write to her every day and keep a journal in the hope she reads them.