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Re: Coping with Loss of Wife,Best Friend and Soul Mate

13 Apr 2018 15:52 in response to sibruv18

Hi again Simon. 

I am just writing you again like others on this site to offer you moral support if you can call it that. I have a feeling you will still be very lost in your life now, as I am. Words from people, even me does not really help however all we can do for each other is try. I don't know if you have a Clan well being centre where  you live. It's like Cruse bereavement but you can just walk into one of their centres and talk or sit there. Whatever you want to do. I usually go and talk with a professional counsellor which costs you nothing. It may be of help to you Simon,  I don't know. Your life like mine and others has been devastated and totally changed, through no one's fault, but CANCER. You look for all the ifs and buts, I have guilt and regrets, and most days feel like what's the point. My life and everybody else's on this site changed the day our wives passed away. I hope this letter let's you know we are all still here in a club not one of us wanted to be in.  Thinking of you. Gord. 

Re: Coping with Loss of Wife,Best Friend and Soul Mate

13 Apr 2018 18:27 in response to sibruv18

Dear Simon.

My heart goes out to you..Believe it or not you are describing exactly how I feel. My husband, best friend, my soulmate died of bladder cancer in December past. I looked after him until the end, and although I know I could not have done any more, I still feel guilt. Im so lonely and sad. People rallied to be supportive, but now if anyone sees me crying..they ask whats wrong..like I should be over it by now. 

He was cremated, that was his wish. His ashes are still with me, I feel content with that at the minute, however I am being pressured by his "friends" (people I have never met) to bury him so they can visit his grave...I am struggling to hold it together without this interference 

Love, Gillian

 

 

Re: Coping with Loss of Wife,Best Friend and Soul Mate

13 Apr 2018 19:22 in response to MissGillian

Hello Gillian. Very sorry for your loss. I looked after my wife till the end of her life and by that time she was skin and bones. It was horrendous caring for and watching her slowly fading away. Please do not be pressurised in any way to do anything you don't want to do with your husbands ashes, or his belongings. His " friends " will soon stop visiting a grave and then you might have even more guilt and regrets about doing something that wasn't your plan. I have my wife's ashes with me in a Willow casket sitting on the couch beside me, and when my time comes, I will go in there and we will be scattered together. 

People think they know what's best for us by saying stupid thing but only to make them feel good. However I have stopped listening and will decide myself on my life which I hope you will do for your life. There is no words I can say to you to make it easier as words won't bring your husband or my wife back to us. Please just know that all of us on this site are thinking of your heartbreak and so much loss in your life. Gord.

Re: Coping with Loss of Wife,Best Friend and Soul Mate

13 Apr 2018 20:04 in response to MissGillian

Gillian, your need to keep him near is all that matters. I'd say stuff em, they've not got your best interests at heart

Re: Coping with Loss of Wife,Best Friend and Soul Mate

13 Apr 2018 23:11 in response to topcatturner
Gord - thank you, yes I am still very lost and for some reason the last few weeks have been the worse. The counsellor puts it down to the fact that reality is kicking in now, and my beloved wife is not returning. I have counselling now twice a week, my GP called me in as he was concerned about my well-being and he also persuaded me to check out CRUS and they have been very helpful as well. My life has changed, my wife was my best friend and my very fabric - she made me a better person for the 30 years we were together, and I miss her every second of every day - She was also a fantastic mum, and I have to bring up 3 teenage daughters whilst still maintaining some normality and dealing with "teenage girl issues", whilst also sorting out the house, chores etc and work - it's no mean feat, and although I was caring for my wife for most of last year, she has instilled in me the notion to "get up and get on with it" and I have her ringing in my ear every day with every decision I make. (When I say ringing in my ear, in a good way - as I never ever dissed my wife even if we argued !) I have set a goal now to carry on and "do right by her" and that means sorting out the hospital, getting her memorials installed, painting the house, doing the garden etc (my wife before she passed made notes about her funeral, and also a list of all paint colours in the house as I never chose colours !) she was very methodical, but I know she is alive in me and the children. The hardest part is that it is now been 3 months, and the phone has stopped ringing - yes I have a small close circle of friends, but when you are breaking down, crying, and calling out for her its usually when your alone - and my heart is broken - I have no real purpose in life, and what I mean by that is not the Children, but everyone has plans in life, make money, work, retire - like every couple we did - we wanted to retire and spend time together, that's all we lived for - and during her service one of her work friends came up to me and she said to me - whenever I went to lunch with your wife, all she would say is "I'm only happiest when I am with Simon...." and that was us for 30 years, just holding hands, being together and being in love - but those plans for the future have gone, their is no "Plan B" and I dread to think I will be alone for the rest of my days on earth without her. It's the emptiness and the pain that is uncontrollable - an example of this is a recent visit to the dentist - I have had constant pain in my mouth/teeth for many years and indeed it was my wife who got me through my fears - When I visited them last week the dentist said to me "Wow has the pain gone away..." I said "No the pain is still there, but to be honest the pain I am feeling inside is worse than the physical pain I have now" that is how I feel, a paper cut, or any physical pain is nothing now since I have lost my beloved. Gillian - I would like to say I am sorry for your lost, but topcatturner is right, stuff them - you are fulfilling your husbands wish - One solution is what we did for my wife. My wife was cremated (she left it to us and we all spoke about it as a family when she was alive) and we always wanted some jewellery commissioned with her ashes, and... a place to visit her grave - so we had her 90-95% of her ashes interned in a cemetery in a plot so me and the girls could visit (and I visit her every week and sit with her on a portable chair and read and talk to her) and I have also ordered a memorial so anyone who wants to visit her can. The rest of her ashes have now been turned into necklaces for me and the girls, and a wrist bracelet so she is always with us. You don't need this interference or the hassle, like us you are grieving - you are fulfilling your husbands wishes, however there is an option to get some or all of the ashes interned in a cemetery like us so people can visit and then they can go and visit, but you do whats right for you no one else. Hope this helps, and I want to say thank you all for reaching out to me - I am struggling, and low, depressed, empty and hollow inside - and I long for the days to see my beautiful wife and hold her in my arms - I miss her dearly, and I write to her every day and keep a journal in the hope she reads them. Thank you Simon x

Re: Coping with Loss of Wife,Best Friend and Soul Mate

15 Apr 2018 14:40 in response to MissGillian

Hi Gillian

My husband recently died  of jaw cancer, we will be organising his funeral soon, he was 53.

I am totally lost without him, .can you give me advice how do you get on with your life, I keep expecting him to walk through the door.

Kirsty

Re: Coping with Loss of Wife,Best Friend and Soul Mate

15 Apr 2018 18:25 in response to sibruv18

Hi Simon. I am glad you are choosing paint to decorate. I find that when I get up in the morning I am going to do things but so far have never got round to starting. My wife was better at choosingcthe de or than me although it was a combined effort. Probably the same as yourselves. It's just now for me after 43 years together not the same. It will be very tough for you with two teenage daughters as well, as not only have they lost their mam, they are also growing up and needed their mam.I hope you can make a start soon on your decorating and hope you carry on with the counselling. I like you have advised Gillian to do what she wants and not be pushed by others for their satisfaction.  Gord.x

Re: Coping with Loss of Wife,Best Friend and Soul Mate

15 Apr 2018 21:47 in response to sibruv18

Dear Simon,

Reading your post, especially the para below, brought tears to my eyes.

The hardest part is that it is now been 3 months, and the phone has stopped ringing - yes I have a small close circle of friends, but when you are breaking down, crying, and calling out for her its usually when your alone - and my heart is broken - I have no real purpose in life, and what I mean by that is not the Children, but everyone has plans in life, make money, work, retire - like every couple we did - we wanted to retire and spend time together, that's all we lived for - and during her service one of her work friends came up to me and she said to me - whenever I went to lunch with your wife, all she would say is "I'm only happiest when I am with Simon...." and that was us for 30 years, just holding hands, being together and being in love - but those plans for the future have gone, their is no "Plan B" and I dread to think I will be alone for the rest of my days on earth without her.

Like you, my heart is broken. My life is forever changed. I yearn to be with my Graeme again, so much so it actually hurts. It is so painful to carry on, but carry on we must. I read in a book, advice given was - one breath at a time.

Painting your house will help - I wish you all the best. 

Take care Simon.

Jeannie x

Re: Coping with Loss of Wife,Best Friend and Soul Mate

15 Apr 2018 23:00 in response to JeannieC
Hi Gord, Yes we had a rule, I never chose colour ! my wife did, and like with everything in the house, every room is still her, wallpaper, colour, furniture etc I wouldn't change it for the world, everything reminds me of her and that's exactly how I like it - as I mentioned I wear her perfume on my hand, so if I need to remind myself of her I can, but I also got a candle in the fragrance of her perfume so I can light this and have it about the house. The chores list she has left me with gives me some purpose, but I live my life now "doing right by Vixs" and what I want to do is get stuff sorted for her - I miss her incredibly, every second of every minute, and with every heart beat and breath. My life from 0 - 16 has been forgotten, and when I met her and I was 16/17 my life changed - she made me a better man, and she is in my very fabric and makeup, I am not just half of her, we were one - and it's no cliche, she was my best friend. Correction my friend, I have 3 teenage daughters who have lost their mum, I have twin daughters who have just celebrated their first birthday without her, and that was tough. The counselling is good, and I break down most days, but I commissioned some Jewellery from her hair and ashes and I have these around my neck and wrist which (in a sad way) really helps. Jeannie - What book was you reading ? it's the little things but I know its hard but try not and think about the future - I do and it kills me literally but then I try and close that door way and keep it out of my mind - I have my daughters to think about, and more importantly Vicky herself - she is still here in me, and I would give anything to have her back in my arms, and to hold her again, but its all very raw - it's funny but when I rub my fingers still, I can still feel what touching her hands or face is like - memories like this will never go away. Take care Jeannie, and please reach out if your feeling low as I mentioned I have a small circle of friend, and the phone stops ringing xx

Re: Coping with Loss of Wife,Best Friend and Soul Mate

16 Apr 2018 11:29 in response to sibruv18

Hello Simon. The reply to me about your life is almost a mirror image of my own, apart from you having teenage daughters. I also spray my wife's perfume just to keep her memory in my head. People might think it's stupid, however, I don't, and you don't, and that is what matters. We were also rolled into one ball, and now the ball has burst. My wife also made me a better man as I had no plans before we met.       Their loss to us is horrendous though and the hole left in my life will never be filled. Going by your letter the hole in your life will never be filled either.

It is amazing we are so similar. I have left my house exactly the same as it was and why shouldn't we. My wife loved candles as well. Please let me know how you get on. Gord.

Re: Coping with Loss of Wife,Best Friend and Soul Mate

16 Apr 2018 22:18 in response to sibruv18

Simon

I first read your reply when I was on my lunch break at work today and I had to go to the washroom to cry, and even now, because what you said rings true. Like you, when I rub my fingers or stroke my hands, it feels like it's my Graeme touching me. It is still very raw isn't it? 

The book I read was called 'A Widow's Story' by Joyce Carol Oates. I feel the same emotions and have the same thoughts as the author. Everything she wrote in the memoir is exactly how I feel. In a way, I found the book comforting. 

As you said, the phone stops ringing and it is usually at ungodly hours when we breakdown, so it is usually not the right time to be calling friends. I am thankful for your suggestion to reach out when I feel low. I hope you will do the same when you feel in need of support.

Thinking of you

Jeannie x

 

Re: Coping with Loss of Wife,Best Friend and Soul Mate

20 Apr 2018 18:19 in response to gord

Hi.

I am so glad to hear I am not alone in wanting my husbands ashes with me. Of course I knew he was dying and did not really know what I would feel like when the time came. The minute i collected his casket I felt comfort, and I had not expected that. So here he stays where I believe he would want to be, looking after me as he always done before he bacame ill. However,  am I selfish for not giving others the chance to be near him? As mentioned, these people are long lost friends and his family, who have disowned me and my kids since he passed away.  I have tried to contact his parents but the do not reply. x...Thanks all for responding, makes me realise I am not alone 

 

Re: Coping with Loss of Wife,Best Friend and Soul Mate

20 Apr 2018 18:34 in response to Maldives2003

Hi Kirsty.

I am sorry to say its very difficult to get on with life..I try to busy myself each day, give myself a mission. But mostly it ends in tears and me going to bed very early to numb the pain..You have to take baby steps..like go to the place you both liked..that will cause crying..Then leave it for a while before the next step..The crying can start for no apparent reason, and I feel my heart is breaking so much I feel sick.. When he was home before me, he always waited to open the door or gate for me, with a wee kiss. Today as it was good weather I had my laundry on the line, and when I came home, just for a split second I thought it was him..I am no help to you I know, except to help us both understand we are not alone in this nightmare xx Gillian

 

Re: Coping with Loss of Wife,Best Friend and Soul Mate

20 Apr 2018 18:39 in response to JeannieC

Yes Jeannie. The crying seems to start at silly hour. I feel like people who have not gone through this expect me to be over it. If I do call them they say "Now you were doing well, whats caused this crying today?"

Love, Gillian

Re: Coping with Loss of Wife,Best Friend and Soul Mate

20 Apr 2018 20:23 in response to MissGillian

Hi Gillian

I know how you feel.. I yearn to go to bed each night so I can cry myself to sleep and not feel the pain of missing him, but I dread to wake up in the morning when I know I'd be hit with anxiety about starting yet another new day without my Graeme.

Like you, I feel very lonely and sad. Fridays and weekends were, obviously, our favorite time of the week, where we could spend maximum time together. Now I get high anxiety as the weekend approaches. I wish we can all be in touch with each other when faced with the rawness of our grief but I guess only this forum is what we have for now. Do feel free to send me messages (privately or here) if you are struggling. I won't be able to offer professional help but I can definitely emphatize with you and lend a sympathetic ear or shoulder for you to cry on.

Love, Jeannie xx