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Coping with Loss of Wife,Best Friend and Soul Mate

13 Feb 2018 23:45

Hi, 

I have been with my beautiful wife for 30 years, and we have 3 beautiful teenage daughters.

My wife has been fighting breast cancer since 2009, with numerous Chemotherapies, natural rememdies, surgery and radiotheraphy - after 4/5 years she was in reammission, and then 9 months later in 2015 it came back harder and faster - she has daily lung drains, and was put on various chemotheraphy drugs and in April 2017 she was deemed stage 4 as it had spread to her spine, liver, kidney, both breasts, neck etc - We thought the worse.

I took 9 months off from work to care for my wife, and in that time I studied Chemotherapy treatments, wrote to Pharmecetical firms, and went through weekly blood results in order to do anything I could to save my beloved wifes life.

With my research I was also able to push the Oncologists and talk to them on a 1-2-1 level (even my wife said it was like 2 Oncologists where in the room !) - and I was the one who discovered why my wife had rejected the Chemotherapy in the first place due to her Albumin levels where very low.

Armed with Blood results every week, checking white cells, B12, Albumin I was able to tailor my wifes diet and she was able to have the chemotheraphy week on week.

Working together we managed to keep her alive for another 9 months, however sadly it caught up with her and she died in December 2017 just after Christmas.

Althought this is still very raw, I miss her every day, and have 3-4 breakdowns a day, constant crying, longing, and yearning for my wife - I wear her perfume and jewellery and still sleep with her dressing gown and have kept the house exactly as she left it so ther are no changes "when she returns home"

In 30 years we were together, we were only away from each other for 2 weeks, and we were more than Husband and Wife, she was my soul mate, best friend, we were a unit, we held hands, told each other we loved each other everyday, and I wanted no one else - she was my everything and the only thing in my life I was ever afraid of losing.

I still cry in pain that this could happen to someone so beautiful, and I have had the phases of grief doubt, and anger.

I hate the cliches, "be strong for the children" but how can I when I am not strong for myself, and the girls are teenagers, they are in their rooms talking to their friends, or boyfriends, and I am left on my own - the girls will grow up and I will walk the rest of my time on this earth without my beloved.

I particularly like the "it will get better after the funeral" this I can tell you is ********* ! it has got worse - I have more crying breakdowns, even when I go to places that me and my wife visited I hyper ventilate and freeze on the spot.

Yes I have couselling, but everyday the pain intesifies as does the emptiness and hollowness inside.

I am told I did all I could for my beautiful wife, and I would give everything I own just to have her back with me again.

I wanted to share my story, with others and I read a statistic once that said "75 men a day under the age of 50 are made widowers" and now I am in that statistic.

I am finding it hard to cope everyday, and it feels like my head is caving in with all the tears and emotions - I assume I am not alone

Simon 

Re: Coping with Loss of Wife,Best Friend and Soul Mate

14 Feb 2018 00:56 in response to sibruv18

Hello Simon.

So sorry for your loss I cannot imagine how it must feel.

You have your memories and even though it will get easier it takes time you will never get over her or forget her and that is a good thing I would not want you to.

I hope that your memories live on in your mind.

My mother met a gentleman that lost his wife to cancer my mum has been with him 28 years now he still loves his wife always will but he eventually fell in love with my mum.

It will get easier and eventually you will feel like you want to meet someone else.

But it will take time and the special person would understand the love you both shared.

I truly feel for you I have not been diagnosed with cancer just on here waiting for biopsy results suppose just feeling worried when really it might be nothing.

So try to enjoy your life your wife would want you to be happy remember the good times some people never fall in love.

She has given you 3 lovely children hope the pain eases for you 

Karen x

Re: Coping with Loss of Wife,Best Friend and Soul Mate

14 Feb 2018 10:14 in response to sibruv18

Hello Simon.  Thank you for your lengthy post which clearly sets out your anguish.  Having spent so much of your love, time and energy doing everything to help your wife you must feel totally lost and that life cannot and should not be so unfair.  I am taking the liberty of putting you in touch with a gentleman who posts as @51yearsoflove ‍who has also recently lost his wife.  I believe he is a Canadian and he speaks eloquently and simply about what this has meant to him.

https://www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/cancer-chat/thread/lost-my...

I do hope that although you are different people you will at least be in touch with someone who is feeling the same terrible pain.

Re: Coping with Loss of Wife,Best Friend and Soul Mate

14 Feb 2018 10:35 in response to sibruv18

Hi there ... l hope you don't mind me putting a little bit of a poem your post reminded me of ...

Don't ask me how I'm doing... don't ask if I'm o.k ... don't say their in a better place, you won't like what l say ..   l won't try to be positive  .. it wasn't for the best ... my hearts in broken pieces ...and it hurts deep in my chest ... don't tell me, you know how l feel ... even though it's true ..this grief is mine, for what length of time... it takes me to get through ...

But know there's many here, who will just listen, and offer you a shoulder ... wer all on a journey in one way an another ... find piece in your heart to know there was no more, you could have done ... even those with all the money and treatments in the world, still can't save ... my thoughts are with you ... And your wonderfull wife will live in your heart forever .. sending you a big virtual  hug  Chrissie x

 

Re: Coping with Loss of Wife,Best Friend and Soul Mate

14 Feb 2018 23:23 in response to Chriss

Thank you all, and it took a lot for me to reach out and I am glad I did - Chrissie, I love that poem, and if you don't mind would like to post onto my FB wall.. I love the words.

I have many memories of my beautiful wife, and I and writing to her everyday, and writing poems and love letters to her and telling her how I feel - I miss her terribly with every breath and every tear...

Simon

Re: Coping with Loss of Wife,Best Friend and Soul Mate

14 Feb 2018 23:31 in response to Cinders123

Karen,

Thank you for the reply and the lovely words, it is still very raw, and every day I try and remember the times we had, I write to her every day and create poems for her - the pain and the tears continue, but that is the price I pay for love, and my world has been taken from me.

I hope your biopsy results are ok, its natural to worry, but positive thoughts and you have this forum and friends to help.

Thank you

 

Simon x

Re: Coping with Loss of Wife,Best Friend and Soul Mate

15 Feb 2018 10:10 in response to sibruv18

Hi Simon ... your most welcome to use it, they are not my words but it puts a lot of that raw pain we have in the early days ... remember when your ready to let loved ones in, I'm sure if you tell them you need time, they will understand ... but one day they will help you ... someone said to me once ... baby steps .. just take baby steps ... wer always here, no matter how you feel, and it's a place no one will judge you ... and you can be honest, and not feelings ... my thoughts are with you ... be kind to your heart ... ❤

Re: Coping with Loss of Wife,Best Friend and Soul Mate

16 Feb 2018 20:33 in response to sibruv18
Hello Simon. I have just come across this site and have read your letter. I lost my wife to cancer on the 20th December 2017 and am like you totally brokenhearted. I searched the internet and read everything I could find about cancer. My wife had bile duct liver and gall bladder cancer, but I still hoped I could find something. I looked after my wife at home for over a year and slowly watched her getting weaker everyday, although she fought hard. It was devastating looking after my wife and trying to save her while all the time she was wasting away before my eyes. The nurses came in everyday as well to give drugs into a syringe driver and it tears my heart ot now thinking of the pain she was in and never complained. I am truly sorry for your lost.

Re: Coping with Loss of Wife,Best Friend and Soul Mate

18 Feb 2018 10:41 in response to gord
Gord, thank you - your reply has brought home shades of 100% recognition, I too looked after my wife at home for many months, the nurses coming in every day to assist me with the lung drains, and like you I searched the internet, wrote to professors and pharmaceutical companies to try and find something. I replying to this post with tears in my eyes, because you seem to have gone and are still going down the same path as me, your reply has hit the nail on the head, and your wife appears to have the same mentality as my wife, did not complain and get on with it, I know our wives are not in pain anymore, it's just now I am afraid to bear this pain for the love we gave - I am struggling tbh every day, I have 3-4 breakdowns with tears, struggled to go to place we went too. I am truly sorry for your loss as well, and I won't use any cliches which people have tried on me, like "it's gets easier" etc, because at the moment it hasn't - please keep in touch.

Re: Coping with Loss of Wife,Best Friend and Soul Mate

19 Feb 2018 15:44 in response to sibruv18

Hello again from Gord. I find it a problem logging in to this chat site. One minute your there and then you lose it somehow. Anyway just to let you know I have been married for 44 years and new my wife for 46 years. I just sit in the house now alone and widh for night time to go back to bed usually about 7.30 - 8pm. Life now for me means nothing as I have lost everything by my wife passing away. It is not getting easier and I attend Clan cancer centre for beravement counselling. It is okay while I am there but then I just want home again to hide away. My wife like your wife was everything to me and now there's nothing. I cannot see a future for me in this as the pain and hearbreak is too much and speak to my wife all the time as I long to be with her. My deepest thoughts are with you. Gord.

Re: Coping with Loss of Wife,Best Friend and Soul Mate

16 Mar 2018 18:31 in response to sibruv18

Hello again Sibruv.

Thought I would write again and say I am still going to my counselling at the Clan support centre. When I get out of bed in a morning I always hope that today is going to be a good day. Then I have a thought, or I find something of my wife's and all the grief starts up again. I spoke to my doctor about it and he basically said I need to start getting out and meeting people. As though it was that simple. I think unless anyone has lost a wife or husband, they haven' t a clue what we are going through. I still want to be with my wife and have had bad thoughts in my head, however my wife would hate me for even thinking this way.

I go to bed at night where I feel close to my wife, and start talking to her and try and go to sleep hugging her pillow and wishing it was her. I even spray her deodorant in the house just to remind me of her being here, although I believe she is here with me in spirit.  Probably some people would think i' m crazy, but I don't care what they think. Anyway, you are probably going through a terrible time as well and I can only say I'm so sorry for your heartache, and the pain you will have in your heart. Thinking of you.  Gord.

Re: Coping with Loss of Wife,Best Friend and Soul Mate

16 Mar 2018 20:57 in response to sibruv18

I am finding it hard to cope everyday, and it feels like my head is caving in with all the tears and emotions - I assume I am not alone

No Simon, you're not alone at all. I came home from work today and cried for nearly 2 hours, after putting on a brave face the whole day.

I do know how you feel, and no, you're not alone.

Big hugs

Jeannie x

Re: Coping with Loss of Wife,Best Friend and Soul Mate

19 Mar 2018 04:30 in response to sibruv18

Hi Simon, I understand how you feel, what you wrote about your beloved wife is everything that I feel about my husband. I never imagined how painful it would, it physically hurts to the core. I struggle daily trying to accept that he is no longer here. My husband was diagnosed with a rare form of lung cancer ALK in 2014 and he passed in February this year. I always thought I'd be prepared but no time is ever enough or words that we said to each other is enough. I feel so empty and loss when I think of my future without him. Everyone tells me to be strong for our two teenage kids and I try so hard to get back to our normal life. I put on a brave face everyday for them, famlies and friends as I don't want them to worry. I find myself crying often when I'm alone and breaking down in the shower where no one can hear me. I comfort myself by telling myself that he is no longer in pain but I still long for him to be here with me. In the last 3 months of his life we were together every single day adn night...I never left his side...

Re: Coping with Loss of Wife,Best Friend and Soul Mate

21 Mar 2018 02:16 in response to sibruv18

Dear Simon, my heart goes out to you. My beloved husband died from pancreatic cancer on Feb 25th, his funeral was march 15, so less than a week ago. Wed been married 44 years and known each other for almost 46 years. We have 2 grown up children and grandchildren, but they too are broken hearted.  The pain and emptiness is too great too describe. Nothing means anything anymore. What's the point in anything? It seems to me We're in a club that no one wants to be a member of. Please look after yourself Simon, unfortunately many people on this site are experiencing the same dreadful loss as you.  Our daughter whos 38, says that life without her dad is ****. She's not wrong !! Take care.

Re: Coping with Loss of Wife,Best Friend and Soul Mate

21 Mar 2018 15:20 in response to smt352

Hello smt352. 

As you will see my name is Gord and I lost my wife to cancer. We had been married for 44years and known one another for 46 years. I was 19 years old when we married and my wife was 20 years old. I am like you now broken in two. I looked for miracles everyday, but it wasn't to be and my wife passed away on the 20th December 2018. I had looked after and cared for my wife for two years at home.

I am totally lost now and have thought about ending things and then think my wife would not like me to do that. The pain is excruciating and doesn't stop as you know. Life for me has stopped now and I just go through the motions day to day like you and think what's the point now. 

I go to counselling and find it helps while I'm there but you still come home to an empty house. I am truly sorry for your loss and yes we are all in a club we don't want to be in. Please try and take care of yourself however it's easier said than done. Love. Gord.