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Continuing the journey

Hi All

Decided to drop the 'month' from the title of this thread as time moves so quickly and the date becomes irrevelant so quickly.

Hubby and I both feeling pretty drained today but not because of his illness. However it is something that has made both us further stressed and 'outside our control'.  Prepare yourselves for a rant or look away now.

Having put in a long work day yesterday (both of us). I switched on my mobile on leaving work to find a message from the social worker for Mum (regular readers of my thread will know what we have been going through recently).  The upshott of this message was that the Social Services panel have decided that they can offer Mum a place at a sheltered housing complex but not the most local one. The call was to advise me of the panel's decision and to tell me that a visit will be arranged this week, preferably by Wednesday, for Mum to be taken to visit the flat and be told about the package of care and how it will work. They require a decision from Mrs K (this is how my mother is addressed in the follow up e-mail!!) by Friday otherwise the placement will be offered to another service provider!  Unfortunately this means Mum has little choice but to move further away (closest sheltered housing has no vacancy and they are  not willing to help fund where she has spent the last 9 months 'settling in').  The guilt I feel at being unable to cope with this is overwhelming, my hubby is very supportive and angry in equal parts and I am dreading the days ahead.  I am unable to take leave and my negative feelings towards her social worker would not work in Mum's favour as she needs to go on the visit with an open mind and the care home staff state she is quite able to make her own mind up.  If she agrees I will be unable to visit as regularly (my problem not theirs of course) but apparently the social worker will accompany her and I have asked to be kept informed.

Even typing this is making me sad/angry/frustrated and emotionally/physically drained.  I was due to visit Mum today but this is on hold until I have spoken to the care home this morning. Hubby says I should leave it till later in the week when we know what is going on and I suspect he is right (bearing in mind my physical upset involves many 'loo' visits (enough said!!)).

Sorry for all the negativity but just needed to get it out and try and get  myself together before I start on the phone calls.

Hope everyone has a good day.  Regards Julesxx

  • Jules,

    I am so sad to read what you are going through today. Try not to feel guilty, it is not your fault and it is not something that you have caused.

    You are a very caring person and no doubt have been a very caring daughter.

    We women do guilt really well for some reason.

    I think you are right when you say maybe you should let your mother go with the social worker on the visit.

    It may be helpful for you to visit your Mum as soon as possible afterwards to help her with her thoughts and decisions.

    I am sorry you are feeling so negative and wish I could help you feel a little more positive.

    Sending some hugs to help you get through the day ,

    Annabel. xx

  • Jules,

    I was so sad to read your post and all that you are going through.  You have been such a support to me on this site and I really wish there was something I could say to make you feel better.

    I totally understand your frustration, anger and all your other feelings - perhaps the social workers who make these decisions should try going through it themselves!  On top of this of course you have hubby to think about.  I'm sure you are feeling really down, but have probably made the right decision in not going along to the flat visit while you feel like this and letting your Mum make her own decision if she is able. It is horrible to think she will have the incovenience of having to re-house after settling into her present care home, but hopefully she will settle well into the new flat and you never know maybe she'll like it better. It is annoying that it is going to be further for you to travel to, and that you may not be able to go as frequently, but try not to feel bad, you can only do what you can do (that is what everybody told me when I felt bad).  It sounds like you've been fighting long and hard for your Mum, so please don't feel guilty - I know that is easy to say, hard to do.  Keep posting on here, it is good to vent your anger and feelings, it's never good to bottle things up.  Thinking of you and hope things get a little easier for you.  Will speak again when you are able.   Hope x

  • Evening Annabel

    Well Mum taught me a thing or two today.  Social Worker went to the home and offered her the chance to visit the sheltered housing.  Mum told her no way, she would prefer to spend all her savings on staying where she is!!  Social worker phoned me to see if I would like to spend 24hrs trying to change her mind - she really has no idea what a waste of time that would be as once Mum has made a decision she will stick by it.  So we have stalemate and it would seem that Mum remains self funding until her money has run out.  At least now  I know I did the right thing with letting Mum make a decision without my influencing her so am feeling a little less guilty and have my emotions back under control for now anyway.  Thanks for your support.

    Hope Charlotte and the baby doing well and you managed the Skype connection to get a good look at the new edition to your family.

    Chat again soon  and thanks for being an online mate.  Jules xx

  • Evening Hope

    Thanks so much for your support when you have so much to deal with yourself. Can't tell you how good it feels to have online buddies support.  Of course hubby and my daughter have been tremendous too and have got me through today.  As I have just replied to others, things are really now out of my hands.  The social worker visited Mum today at the care home and Mum refused to even visit the sheltered housing and declined their offer on the spot.  She has told them she will carry on spending her own money to stay where she is until it runs out!

    Social worker wanted me to spend 24hrs trying to get her to change her mind but I have told them its Mums life, her money and her decision should be respected.  Goodness know what the future holds but for now I am pleased Mum spoke up for herself without my influence and having spoken to the home late this afternoon to make sure she was okay I was told Mum had been 'on good form' since the visit so is perhaps relieved.

    My emotions were shot to bits and I took myself for a walk via the bakers to lift my spirits and get rid of the headache  and as I have told Brian, tomorrow is another day (at work) and I will pop and visit Mum later in the week.  There really is nothing more I can do for the moment and I am not sure what Social Services can do now, probably very little but they certainly know Mum has her own opinions.

    Hope your day has been okay and once again thanks for being there.  Look after yourself and hopefully chat soon.  Jules xx

  • Hi Jules,  Well done to your Mum for sticking up for what she wants!  She sounds like a strong lady.  I would say don't worry about the future, go with what she wants just now - if my experiences this year have taught me one thing it is to go with your gut instinct, and my bereavment counsellor has said that is what we should all do.  I think your Mum is going with her gut instinct on this and so it will be the right decision for her.  I can imagine your emotions are all over the place just now but perhaps you will feel a bit more at peace that she has made this decision herself.  I hope you get a good night's sleep.   Hope x

  • Hi Jules,

    Isn't it great that ones Mum can still teach us something at our age?!!!!!!!

    Pity the SS cannot learn the same.

    Something we have all learnt on this forum, we cannot control life, otherwise none of us would be here.

    Your Mum sounds like quite a character and very likeable. It's always satisfying when beaurocrates don't get their own way.

    Score; Mum 10 The SS nil points.

    Haven't yet had chance to skype with Charlotte ( Bad Night had by new parents) but did have a chat with Declans Mum ( the other granny, ). We play words with friends on FB and have become friends over the years.

    Until this baby has an official name we have decided to refer to her as Petal.

    I hope your daughter and family are doing okay at the moment, not too long for her either now.

    I hope you have a less stressful day today.

    Online mates have a very particular place in ones life, thank you for being one too.

    Annabel. xx

  • Hi Hope

    I think you and my daughter have like minds and ways of thinking.  Once our grandson was in bed she phoned me to give me a talking to!!Says I have to get back to thinking and coping day by day otherwise the worrying about the future will have detrimental effect.I am trying but its often easier said than done as you well know.  As to sleeping,  I was asleep on the sofa by 10, woke at 11.30 dragged myself of to bed and slept till 4 somanaged a few hours at least. Hope you did too. Normal hours planned at work today and my colleague back from her annual leave so at least I will have some company.

    My daughter had her whooping cough jab (hates needles so was very brave) yesterday which is being offered as a booster to pregnant mums to give extra protection to the new born - apparently there has been a rise in cases in babies.  She is back at the hospital for monitoring tomorrow and is hoping the blood tests show all is well though she is still having the itching that raised the 'liver' awareness.  Apparently if they feel there is a big enough problem then she could be induced a bit early so we will have to wait and see. Have a bag packed in readiness to go and look after grandson overnight if needs be. I am lucky its only 20mins walk to their place!!

    Oh well best get moving and face the day.  Have a good one.   Jules

  • Hi Annabel

    Just a quick post to say hope you see the new edition (Petal) soon.  Have just realised I dont know where my spare keys for my daughters are so need to get hunting. Will chat again soon and hope all is well with you.  Thanks again for your kind wordds. Jules x

  • Hi Jules, I hope you are feeling a bit better today and glad you managed some sleep last night, also glad your daughter is supporting you.  I'm sure the way forward is to go day by day, but yes it is very hard to do and hard not to worry about the future.  I think since I've got older I seem to worry more about things, sometimes I have to give myself a telling off! It sounds like your Mum is fairly calm about things at the moment now that she has spoken her mind about what she wants, so hopefully that will make you feel a bit better.  Hope your daughter gets on OK at the hospital tomorrow, how exciting looking forward to another grandchild soon.  I've had an up and down day today, won't go into detail on your thread but will put something on mine later.  Take care.  Hope x

  • Hi Hope

    Have replied on your thread too  and you are so right that the only way forward is to cope day by day.  I just think as we grow older we are more aware of time passing and todays way of living seems a lot more stressful that a few years ago even. I have never been particularly close to my Mum an d as an only child spent most of my childhood with childminders (which at least gave me others to play with).  Unfortunately with her long term mental health issues you never really know what to expect. She has one persona with 'authority' and another with family, many of whom she alienated years ago.  She has a sister and they have not seen each other for over 5 years.  I am the go-between now and just take it as it comes when I visit Mum, the length of my visits depending on her attitude.  Of course its difficult, as on the whole its the bipolar illness that makes her how she is, which I understand more now as an adult. My Dad had so much patience I can now truly admire how he dealt with her ways.  Her actual memory is brilliant and she still has full capacity to make her own decisions so I was not surprised she stood her ground with the social worker (we both have a stubborn streak) but I do fear what the future holds when the money runs out as I am not sure how she will be looked after then. My daughter just says we cannot plan our lives that far ahead and I suppose she is right. So for now we just carry on as before and hope for the best.  I will visit later in the week - it could be an interesting conversation or there could be none at all!

    Today I have booked an appointment to get my hair done next week so that will give me something to look forward to.

    Thanks for you for continued support - its good to chat.  Take care Jules xx