Together we will beat cancer


Can’t live without my Mum

3 Oct 2019 08:59 in response to C1971

I'm struggling to even enter my mums house at the moment, it's too painful. I know I have all her things to sort but just can't face it. Also feels like I'm removing her from there if I do. 

My mum was only 61 and even though 2 years ago we were told her cancer was incurable I didn't think she'd be gone so quick. Maybe I was deluded/stupid to think she'd have longer but she was actually so fit and well on her chemo. It all happened so fast, even her consultant was shocked at the speed she deteriorated. I'm sure in a way that was better for my mum because she wouldn't have wanted to go on for long suffering but I just feel robbed. I hate cancer, it destroys everything! 

Thank you for replying. No one else seems to get me right now.

Can’t live without my Mum

3 Oct 2019 09:04 in response to C1971

Hi, yes your story is very similar to mine except my mum didn't live with us, she was 77, living very independently in her own home and loving life, we did everything together though, I saw her most days and if I didn't see her I always rang her. We had a lovely holiday booked together but she passed two weeks before we were due to go. I like you thought we have at least another 10 years with her. My mum was out shopping with my niece when she started to feel unwell, they had a meal in a pub and it started very soon after, my niece took her to the walk in centre and they said she had food poisoning. We looked after her all that night treating that diagnosis, how wrong we were to do that, I feel I should have known that she was much more poorly than a bout of food poisoning. By the time I called the ambulance it was too late to save her, they took her straight to theatre but it was too late, her bowel was ischaemic and there was nothing they could do, she died. I torture myself with the thought of the pain she was in and all we did was give her paracetamol. How could someone who was loving, kind and generous suffer in her last hours like that, why didn't I do something sooner. I feel I didn't listen to her, I just went along with what the doctor said and didn't think for myself. I truly feel if I'd taken her to a&e sooner she would still be here, it's torture. 

Lisa x 

Can’t live without my Mum

3 Oct 2019 09:12 in response to Bobs

Hi Bobs 

I know what you mean. My mum didnt have cancer but after scouring the internet,this site is great for connecting with people who have lost their mum and feeling similar thoughts irrelevant of what took them away from us. Your mum was very young at 61. It's so unfair. Mine was 74 but so young acting,funny and mentally with it. 

Cancer has affected me greatly in the past with my best friend and grandmother dying of breast and ovarian cancers and my dad was in remission for non Hodgkin's lymphoma when he suffered a massive heart attack and died.

Just do your mums things as and when you feel ready. I cleared all mums clothes and shoes the weekend she died. She lived with me and I couldn't face a wardrobe of clothes that she would never wear again. I'm only just closing bank accounts now as the probate only came through last week.

I doubt I will ever face dealing with the remaining things although I do plan to scatter her ashes in 2 weeks time. They are sitting in her wardrobe and I would like them laid to rest.

For me its baby steps and I still cant plan further than today. People are inviting me to catch ups in november and I just cant think that far ahead. I want to scream 'do you realise my my mum just died?' And then I realise that they probably don't even think about it.

Cheryl x

Can’t live without my Mum

3 Oct 2019 09:23 in response to beaut

Hi lisa 

A meal in a pub wouldn't have caused this. Did she have a post mortem? 

I have exactly the same thoughts as you though. I was having a lovely meal in a pub with mum with no signs she was unwell. The following day mum wasnt right and I told her I wanted to take her to hospital. She appeared a bit confused and was dropping everything she picked up. She left the tap on in the kitchen and forgot to turn the oven off. If only I had recognised signs of a stroke. She told me to stop treating her like a baby and to go to work.

That night my partner dragged her to a and e where they found a blood clot on her brain. Although she was discharged from hospital 5 days later almost her old self she had a massive brain hemorrhage a week later.

I beat myself up that I didnt force her to the hospital and wonder if I could have saved her.

Thankfully the coroner insisted on a post mortem which revealed that mum had severe heart disease, numerous blocked arteries around heart and in her neck and quite honestly mum was never going on till her 80s.

A massive heart attack or stroke were imminent.

It has helped me slightly.


Cheryl x

Can’t live without my Mum

3 Oct 2019 10:13 in response to C1971

Hi, no there was no post mortem because mum had been to theatre and the cause of death was so obvious. They explained that mum had 'possibly' had some sort of cardiac episode hours earlier that she or anyone else hadn't been aware of and that a clot had probably been thrown off and this blocked the small arteries to her bowel, they said a post mortem would not be able to pinpoint the exact location of the blockage as it would have been tiny. We decided as a family not to pursue this any further, we know now that the 'food poisoning' was a red herring that altered everybody's judgement. 

Lisa x 

Can’t live without my Mum

3 Oct 2019 10:26 in response to beaut

Hi lisa,

We knew that mum had died from a catastrophic brain hemorrhage. We were given the option of a post mortem but told the likelihood of finding out why mum had suffered a brain hemorrhage was very low so as a family we decided to decline.

2 weeks later we were told that the coroner were now insisting on one as mum had a small op 15 minutes before her brain hemorrhage under local anaesthetic and they wanted to know if there had been any medical negligence.

I'm so pleased that the coroner insisted on this as we found out that the surgery had no relevance to mums brain bleed and we got to know the full extent of mums health which has shown us mum didn't have a long life ahead of her.

We also found put that mum had a historic heart attack that she knew nothing about so it sounds like the doctors explanation for your mum is probably right. I have since learnt that its very common for women to have small heart attacks without realising and to have nothing more than indigestion like pain or upper back pain. 

I think it was probably our mums time to go and as hard as it us neither if them suffered for long. Reading this site has shown me how some peoples lived ones suffer for months in agony and I am so pleased that mum didnt.

Of course the sudden passing makes it very hard on us as we remember them fit healthy and happy and cannot understand how they can leave us in a puff of smoke.

Thinking of you.

Cheryl x

Can’t live without my Mum

3 Oct 2019 11:00 in response to C1971

Hi, yes I agree with you, somewhere deep in my heart I feel that it was her time to go and although those hours prior were horrendous and will stay with me forever I am glad it wasn't weeks or months she was unwell for. I am glad I 'met' you Cheryl, I think I've shared with you more in these few chats than I have shared with anyone else. I hope we can keep in touch through our journey and one day we both find some peace.


Lisa x

Can’t live without my Mum

3 Oct 2019 11:00 in response to MW101010

I feel your pain xxxx

Can’t live without my Mum

3 Oct 2019 11:31 in response to beaut

Hi lisa,


Absolutely. My partner thinks I'm mad sounding time on these forums (I also read sue ryder coping with bereavement forum) but I have found it so comforting to find people who have lost their mum recently.

I'm just about to meet an old friend for coffee. I will get the useful if there is anything I can do, must be awful etc etc but both her parents are very much alive, happy and healthy.

Keep talking to me and sharing your journey.


Cheryl x