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Can’t live without my Mum

4 Nov 2018 11:59

I lost my Mum nearly 3 weeks ago and had her funeral yesterday where I brought her home to be buried with my Nan and Granddad. It’s not any easier in fact I think I’m getting worse. I feel like I have nothing to live for now. She was my best friend and I talked to her 3 times a day when I was away working and spent so much time with her when I wasn’t. I feel the same about things she will never get to enjoy anymore, I don’t want to enjoy them either. I felt mistakes were made and she could have been around longer. I don’t know if I want to carry on, I feel like there no’s point. People say but she would want you to do this and that but they have no idea of the pain I’m in. I have no partner or children just a career that I don’t care about anymore. I don’t know what to do.

Can’t live without my Mum

4 Nov 2018 12:44 in response to MW101010

Hello MW101010 and welcome.  So sorry you are feeling so rough.  I know from losing both my own parents (some time ago now) that the period between the death and the funeral sort of carried you along with things to do and visitors but - after the funeral - you suddenly find yourself trying to get along the best you can and it ain't easy.    Please be assured that what you are feeling is natural; although we know in theory that our parents are likely to die before we do nothing prepares you for when it happens.    If you read through some of the posts on this forum you will find quite a few people having similar thoughts and pain to those you describe.  You might like to respond to some of their posts and discuss what you are going through.   The funeral was only yesterday, don't expect too much from yourself and don't take too much notice of people giving you good advice; they mean well but I know it can be difficult to smile and be pleasant.    Just take things one day at a time; there is no set timescale for grieving or the manner of grieving; you have to do what feels right for you .  I still "talk" to my mum both in my mind and sometimes out loud and I have bits and pieces (my parents wedding photo and other things) which keep my parents memory alive in my home.    Please feel you can come here at any time just to say how you are feeling and thinking about.  Once a little time has passed you may think it a good idea to change your job (not knowing anything about your situation I accept I cannot really comment) to something that will stimulate you.  Best wishes.  Annie

Can’t live without my Mum

4 Nov 2018 13:17 in response to MW101010

Hiya I completely understand where you are coming from I lost my mum suddenly in August and feel absolutely cheated! She was my best friend I was always doing stuff with her and enjoyed it! I welcomed my first born daughter in June and she was there to witness the birth everything in my life was great she helped throughout my whole pregnancy. Then suddenly about mid July she started to get a cough and became really tired we all thought it was a chest infection well come early August she was admitted to hospital and a couple of days later died. I cannot believe it or understand this awful timing she was so excited to be a first time nan and then feel god just whipped her away from us both. I have to carry on for my baby and to be fair I want to for her because she needs her mum but everyday I wake up angry at the situation I am in this was not in the plan and feel I will be gutted about it for the rest of my life I really search for answers that one day we will be able to meet again. 

Can’t live without my Mum

13 Nov 2018 10:15 in response to MW101010

Oh annie liz it is so traumatic to lose your mum. I lost my mum 4 years ago and miss her just as much but manage to get on with life. Your grief is so new and raw just now and it is absolutely normal to feel how you do. Your mum would want you to be happy and eventually you will emerge a stronger person and she will always be with you in your heart and mind. Let yourself grieve and slowly very slowly the world will start turning again. Take care of yourself.

Can’t live without my Mum

14 Nov 2018 16:46 in response to MW101010

Hi MW I am genuinely sorry to read your post and believe although I cannot start to fully understand exactly your own feelings I hope you dont mind me telling you that I felt deeply that life wouldnt be worth living without my mum.  It is a little over 3 years since my mum died and there are still days when i feel it is all too much. But I remeber all she taught me and how precious life is and i manage to carry on. I even laugh at the fun times we shared. I never thought I would smile again. I wanted to shut myself away and indeed I did taking 9months off work and refusing to have people to my home or go out. My brother is ill now and Im finding it hard to cope but when I think of all he is having to go through, on top of his terminal diagnosis it makes me want to be strong for him, he amazes me daily. Inside Im terrified and want to bury my head in the sand but he is facing his mortality head on and I admire him. He inspires me. I havent posted much on here but I think sometimes just being able to express your emotions anonymously and without judgement helps in some small way. It is so very true you must literally take things hour by hour and then day by day. I too still talk to mum. Kind Regards. 

Can’t live without my Mum

15 Nov 2018 17:51 in response to MW101010

Hi. 

I feel exactly the same. 

Today is a month since my dads funeral. 

He was doing so well. Through treatment. And we didn’t expect him to go so soon. 

Like you I’m feeling like I can’t carry on without himm

he was my best friend. 

I have the rest of my family. My wife. Etc but I talked to my dad in ways I can’t talk to others. 

Hope you get through this. 

I am trying to get through each day. One step at a time. 

Can’t live without my Mum

7 Dec 2018 05:34 in response to demisam

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I’m still very much in grief and think daily about taking my own life just so I can be with her again. I miss her so much it literally takes my breath away and I wish every day that I would not wake up. I have so many regrets even though gh I spent more time with her than most people do with their Mums. I feel like I can’t do anything  that my Mum would enjoy because it makes me sad and feel guilty that she can’t anymore. I don’t know what I’m going to do or why I should even try. I’m so sorry for your loss and for what your brother is going through. Xo

Can’t live without my Mum

7 Dec 2018 11:25 in response to MW101010

Hello again MW101010.  It is still relatively early days and you have a lot of grieving to get through - just take it as feels right to you.  Do not even think about taking your own life (please) - what would your mum  have to say about that?  (No, seriously, what would she say?)  The telephone number for the Samaritans is Freefone 116123; when you are feeling at your lowest give them a ring and they will help you.  Also of course come back here at any time if you just want to discuss your feelings.  You might like to also consider visiting your GP who may feel you would benefit from anti-depressants.   I think most of us have regrets when we lose a parent; I know I do.  We  (or "I" to be specific) take them for granted and when we become mums ourselves we realise just how much they did and sacrificed for us.  But mums love unconditionally.  Please keep in touch.  Annie

Can’t live without my Mum

7 Dec 2018 20:42 in response to MW101010

Hi MW101010,

I am very sorry for your loss, I know how awful you feel having lost my mum in September. It just isn't fair and the grief you feel can be as though somebody has ripped your heart out; to be so close and then not having her there is traumatic, I do understand. My mums funeral didn't really bring any closure just bought home how final it all was. 

It is obvious from your post how much you loved your mum, it won't feel like it now and the truth is, you'll never get over it but I do believe that you do reach a stage of acceptance and you will slowly start to not feel guilty about enjoying something that perhaps you shared together before and the memories won't be filled with sadness.

I try and think what my mum would say to me, I know she wouldn't want me to be so sad, it would break her heart, her faith was so strong and she had no fear of death, she used to have this saying..."not to worry"

There is a lady on the forum who says, the person is not gone, they're safely in your heart....I know my mum isn't here for me to hold but she's in my heart and I'm trying to be strong, I know she's here in spirit. Shane63 is right, day at a time.

Please take care of yourself,

x

Can’t live without my Mum

8 Dec 2018 04:31 in response to Annieliz

Thanks Annie. I’m trying, I really am but I feel I have no one anymore. I have quite a big career as a celebrity makeup artist that made my Mum really proud but now I don’t care about it anymore. I walked out in the road today without looking hoping a car would kill me. I think my friends are already fed up with my misery. My doctor wouldn’t give me anti depressants as he said they take a while to kick in but it’s been nearly 2 months now and I feel worse. I keep re reading her texts and emails to me and she seems still alive and then it hits me again that she’s gone and I can’t bear it

Can’t live without my Mum

8 Dec 2018 04:32 in response to Linda63

Thank you for your kind words, Im really trying to hold on xo

Can’t live without my Mum

8 Dec 2018 04:41 in response to annastasia

I’m so sorry for your loss. I feel the same, hoping I’ll meet her again someday and that we will be together. I hope your Mum is watching over you and your baby. I wish I had a baby to love too. 

Can’t live without my Mum

8 Dec 2018 10:24 in response to MW101010

None of us here on the forum are fed up with your misery and your friends will feel the same, I know it is difficult for my friends sometimes to know what to say but they mean well. My doctor gave me anti depressants but I didnt take them, I used Kalms Lavender tablets and they seemed to help, maybe try those, all natural which I preferred.

I watch videos of my mum, sometimes I feel comforted, other times as you say, the reality kicks in.

Your posts are late in the day, I couldnt sleep at first, sorry not for me to dictate at all, but please try and get some rest, it will help.

We're behind keyboards, strangers, but thinking of you, in my thoughts and prayers. x

 

Can’t live without my Mum

8 Dec 2018 13:02 in response to MW101010

I am not very impressed by your GP; if he had given you something when you asked you might be coping a bit better now and not playing chicken with the cars on the road.  Good friends will talk and listen until the cows come home so don't worry about that.  You will know who your real friends are by now.  I know you don't actually know us here but we too will listen and chat too if it helps you at all.  Unfortunately  it is horrendous and there is no shame in getting help from any source.    After my mum's death I still talked to her as though she was here (and still do sometimes) - I like doing it and it doesn't do any harm to anyone so go along with anything that helps you. "Mam" I say "What do you think about so-and-so".  I know what her advice would be - "as long as you don't cause problems for anyone else and behave reasonably and lawfully, then go ahead."  Can you see another doctor - is it a surgery with several doctors?  I should ask again and explain what you have been thinking.     Your mum will always be alive in your head and heart no matter how many years go by.  Be a bit kind to yourself - you won't stop loving your mum and the love will still be there.  Keep in touch.  Annie

Can’t live without my Mum

9 Dec 2018 00:45 in response to Linda63

Thanks Linda, my posts are late because I’m now back in LA where I currently live but now hate it. My Mum used to visit me often. I will try the lavender calms thank you. Xo

Can’t live without my Mum

9 Dec 2018 00:51 in response to Annieliz

Thanks Anne, I asked him twice and he wouldn’t give me them and he’s the nicest one in the surgery. I’m now back in LA so may go to a therapist here and try and get some from them. I’m truly afraid of what I might do otherwise. I think about driving my car off a cliff, or taking loads of pills but scared in case it doesn’t work and makes things even worse. I think I have complicated grief that never goes away. I have friends and other family but I feel so alone. Also my uncle now has terminal stomach cancer so we have that to deal with and as selfish as it sounds it’s taking the focus off of my Mum who they were in denial about so didn’t rally round as much as they are for him. It’s like she was the test case and it makes me angry. Thank you for taking the time to listen xxx

Can’t live without my Mum

9 Dec 2018 10:13 in response to MW101010

Hello MW101010,

Anne has given you excellent advice and I agree now you are back in LA it may be a good idea to go and see a therapist as soon as you can as it sounds like you really need help. You've done the right thing also in joining the forum and you will meet others here who have also lost a loved one to cancer and I hope you will draw strength from one another during this difficult time.

As you will see reading our page on Coping with Grief, grief is a very complex process and everyone grieves differently so it is important you seek the support you need at the moment and chase those dark thoughts. I am so sorry to hear about your uncle having terminal stomach cancer too. I hope you have some good friends around and family and that you are not alone. Don't forget also that there are helplines available whenever you feel really down and they are only a phone call away. It can really help sometimes to talk to someone. Samaritans USA is a good example and you can find their  contact details here do give them a call when it all gets too much. There is also this website which also has a contact number you can ring if you are experiencing emotional distress.

We are all here for you so keep strong. I am sure you will make lots of forum friends here who will help you get through this difficult time.

Best wishes,

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

Can’t live without my Mum

1 Feb 2019 19:58 in response to Moderator Lucie

It’s been 3 1/2 months now and I feel I’m getting worse. Have been trying to keep busy with work and seeing friends but I’m just going through the motions. I don’t want to do anything that my Mum loved or would have enjoyed as she can’t do it. Everything reminds me of her and I email her all the time telling her I just want to join her. I wish I could just die in my sleep. Nothing is worth living for. 

Can’t live without my Mum

1 Feb 2019 21:09 in response to MW101010

I came onto the forum today, it helps me on the 'god-awful' days when I still can't accept that my mum is gone, when I would do anything just to see her one more time, tell her how much I love her and that seeing dad, how much he misses her, breaks me.

I understand when you say you feel you're getting worse, it's the longest time we've been without our mum's, it's just not right or fair. I 'talk' to mum everyday and ask her to help me cope.

Seeing a counsellor to help me get to a stage of acceptance, had 2 sessions, not sure if it's helping but she listens when I speak about mum, I think other people think I should have 'moved on'.

My mum gave me a precious gift, life....it is the hardest time to live without her but she loved me unconditionally and I know she would understand my sadness but she wouldn't want me to carry it with me forever.

I'm sure you're mum would want you to find happiness again, enjoy life as you have done before....it is very hard and I am so sorry that you're going through this horrible journey. A day at a time is sometimes all we can do, but that's ok, we're all individual, as is our grief.

Lucie gave some good links, I hope you will able to find help and people on this forum will always understand and try and help. I liked this verse:-

The river of grief is deep and wide

But happiness awaits you on the other side

And the love of those around you, will take you there.

 

 

 

Can’t live without my Mum

1 Feb 2019 21:23 in response to MW101010

Hello

I came across your post and I feel for you. I am actually concerned to read how distraught you feel. As a mother myself, I would say think about what your mother wanted for you. She would not have wanted you to die or to be so stricken with grief. You need to live your life not just for yourself but for your mother for you are her legacy in this world. Please seek counselling support, also look for bereavement support groups in your area and consider changes to life and career that would help you cope with such a big loss.

Can’t live without my Mum

2 Feb 2019 06:27 in response to Sahla

Thank you for replying. It helps to know people care. I have had counseling but it hasn’t helped. I don’t know what to do anymore. 

Can’t live without my Mum

2 Feb 2019 06:29 in response to Linda63

I’m really trying to be ok but I just feel like nothing matters anymore. We had a very strong bond, even had the same birthday. Everything I did was for her. I can’t believe she left me

Can’t live without my Mum

2 Feb 2019 08:22 in response to MW101010

I am so sad to read your message

My mother is in the last stages of her life and I came on this site to seek support 

When I read your message, it brought a massive reality to what is about to happen to me

My mother is at end of life and yesterday she took a sudden downfall in her ability, I spent the day with her and the reailty that she will soon be gone is immense and overwhelming

I lost my father eight years ago and remember feeling completely numb for a long time afterwards. I had my mother to look after and she also gave me support whilst dealing with her own grief. This time however, there will be noone to cuddle me and tell me that it will be alright. At that time I lost my father, someone gave me a sense of belief and it did turn out to be really helpful and I shall use it again during these times ahead and moving forward from a wonderful bond which has been 'spoiled through death'
You have lost your mother, who has been part of your life from the moment you took your first breath ! It is understandable that you don't feel you have any future; food does not appear to taste the same, you probably feel that nothing will ever make you laugh again, skies seem dark and the sun will never shine for you. One day you will eat a meal and afterwards think - I can taste the ingredients in that food, you will watch television or see somthing funny and laugh (and probably cry after you have realised that you have laughed !) and you will look up at the sky and think what a lovely day ?! you will be sitting looking out from a window and the sun will almost blind you and the warmth will return to your cheeks

You have a long journey ahead without your mother and mine is coming very soon, and I so wish that I could stop this inevitability, I am also frightened because I know that I shall also feel the same way you are feeling right now - especially after a funeral when good intensions from  people, who promise continued support but in fairness have their own lives and leave you alone with your own feelings 

I feel certain that your taste for life, for sustenance, for blue sunny skies and stepping foward in the memory of your mother, will slowly give you back a life, without your loved one but with cherished memories and the ability to continue; with great memories and the confidence that the life your mother gave you is very much worth living x 

This is the view from my window as I write this message to you - stay strong x

Can’t live without my Mum

2 Feb 2019 16:12 in response to getmb

I’m so sorry to hear about your Mum. I was in denial even when she was at that stage and it  was actually sudden, the doctors knew it was going to happen soon but even they didn’t expect it the day it happened. What’s worse is an hour before she kept repeating to me ‘let me go’ and didn’t say she loved me although I know she did and still does. I lost my Dad 8 years ago too but we weren’t close so it didn’t affect me like this has. It was always just me and my Mum and I feel lost and broken. I wish I could give you more support because I really feel for you for what you are about to go through. I’m crying so much right now as I write this. Spend as much time as you can with her. Xo

Can’t live without my Mum

2 Feb 2019 17:05 in response to MW101010

Hello.  I lost My Mum just over 8 weeks ago and i can relate to several of your circumstances and feelings. The loss of our Mothers is like nothing else; it is so exructiatingly painful.  As you say, people say that our Mothers' wouldn't want us to be unhappy; they would want us to get some pleasure and enjoyment out of life. I know this is true; my Mum would so want that. But, as you know, it is not that easy.

I, like you, do not have a partner or children but I have some friends and family who are very supportive. It is the time on my own which is especially difficult.

I am waiting to get some counselling and I am putting quite a lot of hope in this. I see it had not helped you. Do you feel there is any particular reason why?

 

Can’t live without my Mum

2 Feb 2019 17:34 in response to brewis1gard

I’m so sorry for your loss. It is the time we’re on our own that is the worst and even though I live in LA and my Mum lived in London we spent a lot of time together and spoke 3 times a day on the phone. I never felt alone like I do now. I do have good friends and some family but it’s not the same as having someone who loves you unconditionally and always has your back. Counseling didn’t help me as they just listened to me talking and didn’t offer any ways to cope with my feelings. I talk to friends anyway so it made me resentful paying them to just listen. I think I may go to a psychiatrist or a support group or both as I’m truly fearful that in a really down time I may take my own life. 

I hope counseling helps you, I really do. People on here help more though in my opinion.

Can’t live without my Mum

2 Feb 2019 17:59 in response to MW101010

Thank you for responding.  I thought I had felt alone and lonely in the past but this is on a completely higher level.  Me and My Mum were extremely close. There were only a handful of days when we didn't see each other - the last one over 6 years ago.  What you say about friends and other family members is so true - no one cares for you like your Mother. She is there for  you 100% of the time. 

here in the Uk there are some bereavement counselling services available fror free and they do have some good reviews. One is provided by our NHS and they are due to ring me next week.

Sorry your couselling wasn't helpful but maybe a psychiatrist and support groups will be - worth a try.  But please don't harm yourself.

Be good to keep in touch and see how we are getting on.

Can’t live without my Mum

2 Feb 2019 21:47 in response to brewis1gard

I’m from the UK and will be back soon. The hospital gave me some counseling after but that wasn’t helpful either she was more concerned that I wasn’t going to kill myself whilst I was seeing her and just kept saying ‘that must have been hard’ to everything I said. I’m truly sorry for your loss and would like to keep in touch. My name is Melissa, what’s yours? 

Can’t live without my Mum

2 Feb 2019 21:55 in response to MW101010

Thank you Melissa.  I am sincerely sorry for your loss also.  Pleased you would like to  keep  in touch.  My name is Lewis. Speak soon.

Can’t live without my Mum

3 Feb 2019 01:53 in response to brewis1gard

Thanks Lewis. Definitely keep in touch and let me know how you’re doing. 

Can’t live without my Mum

5 Feb 2019 12:12 in response to MW101010

Hi Melissa 

I hope you are ok or as ok as you can be in this crazy grief journey. 

My lovely mam went to Heaven last September so I know exactly how you feel. 

I take each day as it comes and have my ups, downs and inbetweens! I like to keep busy but find on my days off my mind goes into overdrive. These chaotic, unstable and long days will pass so I think in the meantime we grievers need to just breathe and keep putting one foot in front of the other and see where it takes us. I have pockets of the day where I don't think about her which allows me to come back to the surface for more oxygen before I'm plunged into the depths again. I hope as more time passes that these pockets will last longer until eventually the depths don't hurt as much anymore. Apparently this will happen, I've a few close friends who have gone through this and they are now able to laugh, smile and enjoy life again. This gives me great hope that I will someday get to that point as will you. These feelings are as temporary as life itself so please take hope from that. 

Remember that your mum is so close to you now. We judge life through our 5 senses so our experience of life is so limited. Remember there is a whole other world out there where our mum's live, that life is alongside us only they are in Spirit form now, still there, just different. Even though we can't see it we know that bottom of the ocean is there, just like we can't see our mum's but they are here as well.  I talk to mam all the time, out loud and in my head, she answers and goes with me through my life. Ask your mum to help you and she will, take comfort from the fact that you'll meet again and until that time comes try chalk up as many positive experiences and happiness as you can. They live on with us and through us Melissa. 

Please stay in touch, we are here for each other, remember you're not alone.

Lots of love and chat soon

Denise

Can’t live without my Mum

8 Feb 2019 19:31 in response to MW101010

Hi Melissa.  How are you doing? Iam finding it even harder. Went to my Mum's bank today to  deal with 'things'; it was extremely upsetting. Being given a copy of her accounts with variouys figures next to  them devoid of emotion contrasts hugely with the reality of my feelings. Yes, it is a necessatiy but it so hurts.

Have you started any outside help yet?

Lewis

 

Can’t live without my Mum

9 Feb 2019 01:27 in response to brewis1gard

Hi Lewis,

I’m not doing great. An old friend told metoday by text that ‘they are not comfortable with my level of grief ‘ which was nice. Decided to cut her out of my life completely. I had to deal with all that you’re going through and it’s so tough, I’m sorry. I’m still dealing with some of it like the TV licence. I couldn’t find a bill with the account number and they refused to look it up so what can I do? I said take my Mum to court for not paying and hung up. Bureaucracy sucks. I hope you find a way through it. I have counseling set up for next Thursday with a proper psychiatrist. I’ll let you know how that goes. Take care.

Can’t live without my Mum

9 Feb 2019 16:20 in response to MW101010

Hi Melissa. Yes, it does suck. It is so hard to think clearly when your emotions are in disarray, to put it mildly. Sorry your friend isn't helpful. Hope your Counselling helps you.

Speak with you soon

Can’t live without my Mum

9 Feb 2019 22:13 in response to MW101010

Hi again, just wanted to say sorry to read about the text from your friend....we're all individual and so is our grief. None of us can understand 100% of what each of us is going through but having to go through the same awful journey, after losing our mum's, we have some understanding. It is hard and stopping the tears even harder.

Rules and regulations over personal data mean it can be trying at the best of times dealing with companies, I found this address if you wanted to write and advise rather than speak to them:- Customer Services TV Licensing Darlington DL98 1TL

I hope that everything goes well for Thursday.

x

Can’t live without my Mum

10 Feb 2019 07:52 in response to Linda63

Hi Linda,

Thanks for replying and the advice and info. It’s funny how people on here that I have never met are more supportive than some of my ‘friends’. As we know you can’t imagine the pain until you’ve experienced it. Hope you’re doing ok.

best,

Melissa xo

Can’t live without my Mum

17 Feb 2019 01:58 in response to MW101010

Hi everyone. I’m new to the forum. Actually never wrote in a forum before in my life. I’m 25, just lost my mum 5 weeks ago to lung cancer, it was a long and tough battle & she fought so well. She declined very rapidly after she seen me get engaged on Xmas day. I was okay at first but now it’s really hit me and I’m struggling to get through the days. The images of her still haunt me as her death was very graphic and I feel cheated as we never got to say a last goodbye or love you. I know she loved me but I feel like I haven’t had real closure as it all happened so fast and I was so naive about it all, I wish someone could of told me what to expect or that I had talked about it with her beforehand. Anyway I’m not too sure what I’m expecting to come from writing this but I feel like I’m a bore to my friends as they aren’t in my shoes and don’t know what to say. Thanks for lending me your ears. Em

Can’t live without my Mum

17 Feb 2019 09:02 in response to Ems1818

hi em,

so so sorry to hear about your Mum. I know exactly how you feel and it’s been 4 months for me and is still hard. Find a friend that is sympathetic and talk to them. I’ve had some that are great but others who haven’t been nice. I have been to some therapists that did nothing but have finally found one that is helping me. You should try and find a therapist you like. If you don’t feel that one is helping don’t waste time with them just look for another until you find the right one. Is your partner sympathetic? The way I’ve got through so far is to plan things ahead, whether it’s work or doing something with friends and then I feel I have to honour my commitments because I have felt suicidal but this stops me. There’s lots of us on here that know what you’re going through so please reach out whenever you need to. All my best, M. 

Can’t live without my Mum

4 Mar 2019 03:52 in response to MW101010

I can feel your pain. I lost my mother in 2015 in a car accident. She was the love of my life and life without her is painful and hard. Even after 4 years since she passed away, I miss her every single moment. I am from Hindu culture and I  don't believe in death, the soul never dies, it is just the physical body is gone back to its roots but the soul is around us in a different form. You just need to feel the energy of your mother's soul. Just pray for her soul and cherish the memory you have with her. She might be gone physically but her memory is still alive with you so live with her memory. you don't need to feel she is gone,  you are part of her and she is alive in you. 

Can’t live without my Mum

23 Mar 2019 20:31 in response to MW101010

Hi Melissa. Not been on for a little while. How are things with you? I wish I could say that I am feeling a bit better but I'm not really. I have had four counselling sessions which seem helpful at the time but when I leave nothing seems to  have changed.  Perhaps it takes time to  start working. Also, I had my first birthtday without Mum which wasn't great.  Just try and keep plugging away.

Hopw you are seeing some improvement,

Lewis

Can’t live without my Mum

23 Mar 2019 22:37 in response to brewis1gard

Hi Lewis,

Still not great. I had my first birthday without my Mum too and we had the same birthday. I visited her grave on the day and that was extremely sad for me. I’ve had 2 counseling sessions and same here, helpful at the time but go back to feeling the same way a little after. Sorry you’re still feeling sad too. I’m not sure if I’ll ever feel better

Can’t live without my Mum

24 Mar 2019 10:46 in response to MW101010

I pop back occasionally to find out how youa re doing and am sorry that you are still struggling in this way.  Stay with the counselling - have you told the counsellor that the benefits are at the moment only helping during the time you are with her/him. It is never easy and you should anything that helps you at all.  I still "talk" occasionally to my mum and my dad  even thoughit is a long time since they died and bizarre as it  might sound it is a nice thing to do.  Everyone has their own method and timescale for grieving and as long as you are doing no harm to yourelf or anyone else (which I am pretty sure your mum would hate you to do) do whatever feels right for you. Can I ask: are there any particular things that you feel you would like to have done before your mum's death or is it just general grieving pain that is dragging you down?  Annie

Can’t live without my Mum

24 Mar 2019 13:19 in response to Annieliz

Hi Annie,

Thanks for checking on me. Yes I wish I hadn’t been in such denial, I thought she would get better and so even though I came home a lot I also carried on going back to LA and Ny for work and didn’t spend as much time as I should have with her and also didn’t talk to her about her diagnosis really as I think we both wanted to remain positive. I keep searching for messages from her and torture myself that I didn’t comfort her enough. I also torture myself thinking I should have saved her. She was my world and my only reason for being. I don’t care about anything anymore. I’m just going through the motions. My Uncle passed this week too. It’s all unbearably sad. I haven’t told my counselor that it’s only for a short time I feel better but he is great, better than anyone else I’ve seen. Hope you’re doing ok. 

Can’t live without my Mum

26 Mar 2019 12:27 in response to MW101010

Hi again.  I did read read your post shortly after you made it but have been struggling with computer problems - I am not very good at long technical words and sentences but think I have finally got my new router installed and it seems to be okay!    My poor love, you could not have saved your mum much as you feel that the sheer power of love should have conquered her illness.    It also appears that you were trying to fall in with what you felt your mum would have wished by remaining positive - I know it is so easy to beat yourself up with hindsight but - being a mum myself - I am pretty sure your mum would not have felt anything other than love and care from you.  Threre appears to have been other family members also and I  cannot imagine - from the posts from you that I have read - that your mum would have ever felt any lack of love and attention.  When you are a mum you don't think of making demands on the love of your children but instead are so pleased that they are well and happy - that is what parents really want from them.  We don't think they owe us anything but when as in your case you were giving regular love and care (I bet she didn't think you were falling short) she will have been proud and happy with the daughter she has raised.    Try and just think of the time you did have together - it is all too easy to imagine that you were not doing enough.  I am sorry that your uncle has also died - were you close to him?  You are finding - as we all do as we grow older - that the people who we thought were a permanent part of our lives are in fact will not always be there.  Life has his its great happinesses and its unbearable griefs.  Your mum would hate to feel that you were beating yourself up over her last weeks and months.  Talk to your counsellor and don't be hard on yourself.  Annie

Can’t live without my Mum

31 Mar 2019 11:19 in response to MW101010

Hi,

Thinking of you today and all on the forum who are facing our first mothers day without our beautiful mums. My husband is cooking in the kitchen and I have tears quietly falling. My mum was such a strong woman, trying not to let her down.

x

Can’t live without my Mum

1 Apr 2019 23:39 in response to MW101010

Hi, I lost my mum on the 3rd of March just gone. I’m only 19 and my mum was only 39. Life is so cruel sometimes and I’ve been finding it hard to carry on as I also feel guilty whenever I feel a smile coming on etc. your mum isn’t gone she is always with you, look for signs and she will send them to you. I was so close to my mum aswell and after her funeral I found it harder than it was before it. Do you have any aunties, uncles, friends etc you can sit with and talk about the good times I find that helps. Like you said your mum is in a happy place none of us know the only thing that would get her down is looking down on you and you being upset. Read the poem “the story of the dragonfly-a child of mine” it’s so comforting and makes a lot of sense as to what goes on when people pass away. Hope your feeling better soon, Ashleigh x

Can’t live without my Mum

3 Jul 2019 23:54 in response to MW101010

So I don’t even know if my mum has cancer yet 

but doctors are “suspicious of a biopsy” despite us being told a month ago no cancer was present. Your post is exactly how I feel,  I’m not an only child but might as well be have a huge family & some friends that I have sat with for hours, days, weeks, when their children have been ill and yet her I am alone with no one giving a toss because it’s not convenient this week. All I want to know is How the hell do I live without her?

Can’t live without my Mum

4 Jul 2019 00:01 in response to applinappers

I’m so sorry and I hope your Mum doesn’t have cancer. It’s been nearly 9 months for me now and it seems like yesterday. I cry every day and some people are fed up with me. I just keep hoping I’ll die in my sleep so I can be with her. I hope you have some support if the worst comes to the worst. Wishing you good luck.

Can’t live without my Mum

4 Jul 2019 00:31 in response to MW101010

Hi M, 

It's been a while since my first post. Thank you listening/ reading my thoughts and replying. I done as you suggested and kept busy over the past few months. Throwing myself into a new job role has really helped. I think about mum a lot each day but it's not the first thought on my mind each morning anymore, some days this makes me feel guilty as though I have forgotten about her but others it makes me realise I'm growing stronger. It's strange because people always say it will get easier and although it does in a way, I really believe it also doesnt and we simply learn to cope and shape our lives around the missing void they leave behind. How are you doing M? Is the councilling on going?  Em 

Can’t live without my Mum

4 Jul 2019 00:38 in response to Ems1818

Thanks Em’s glad you’re feeling a bit better. I have some moments where I think I’ll be ok but then bam it hits me like a juggernaut again and I break down. I try and keep busy too. The counseling helps a little but not enough. I’m going to a grief support group next week to see if that helps more. Let me know how you’re getting on.