Hi everyone. I’m not sure how to start this or what I’m hoping to achieve really, but I do know that I need to reach out. We are waiting on scan results for my mum who is stage 4 oesophageal cancer for the past 21 months. She had been doing great and responding to treatment until earlier this year so started a new treatment plan, and since then it’s been one thing after another. One step forward two steps back. So far the doctors have considered her issues to be treatment related but this time, I’m not so sure. I’m absolutely beyond sick of this disease, hurting my mum and tearing apart my family. I was able to be strong for all of last year but lately feel as if everything has come crashing down. I’m so angry. I’m scared to see mum (though I do several times a week) because it’s a slap in the face every time that she’s not herself anymore. My poor mum feels so guilty to be the reason that everyone feels this way. We reassure her that it is of course in no way her fault and no one thinks that, and I feel so guilty that she’s carrying that burden. I’m 7 months pregnant and haven’t been able to enjoy the pregnancy much because I’m so consumed with terror and anticipatory grief. I just can’t reconcike that this is our life now. I wake up every day and have a pity of sheer terror in my stomach, and can’t sleep at night. I’ve been seeing w counsellor through Maggies which helps a little but ultimately I feel like no amount of talking in the world can help me or us. As I said, I don’t know what I was looking for in writing all this down, but just felt a need to.
