Together we will beat cancer


Can’t cope anymore

25 Aug 2019 02:40

Hi everyone. I’m not sure how to start this or what I’m hoping to achieve really, but I do know that I need to reach out. We are waiting on scan results for my mum who is stage 4 oesophageal cancer for the past 21 months. She had been doing great and responding to treatment until earlier this year so started a new treatment plan, and since then it’s been one thing after another.  One step forward two steps back. So far the doctors have considered her issues to be treatment related but this time, I’m not so sure. I’m absolutely beyond sick of this disease, hurting my mum and tearing apart my family. I was able to be strong for all of last year but lately feel as if everything has come crashing down. I’m so angry. I’m scared to see mum (though I do several times a week) because it’s a slap in the face every time that she’s not herself anymore. My poor mum feels so guilty to be the reason that everyone feels this way. We reassure her that it is of course in no way her fault and no one thinks that, and I feel so guilty that she’s carrying that burden. I’m 7 months pregnant and haven’t been able to enjoy the pregnancy much because I’m so consumed with terror and anticipatory grief. I just can’t reconcike that this is our life now. I wake up every day and have a pity of sheer terror in my stomach, and can’t sleep at night. I’ve been seeing w counsellor through Maggies which helps a little but ultimately I feel like no amount of talking in the world can help me or us. As I said, I don’t know what I was looking for in writing all this down, but just felt a need to. 

Can’t cope anymore

25 Aug 2019 05:19 in response to Jrod1

Hi there 

Im so sorry you and your mum are going through this horrific cancer. 

My dad is in the same position and he was diagnosed 2 months ago , it is beyond cruel to witness, i know exactly your pain and suffering . This is the hardest most upsetting thing i have witnessed . 

Our parents do not deserve this in anyway it is a punishment, it effects us as children and our poor parents i cannot get my head around how destructive this is . 

Soul destroying is an  understatement , slow and agonising for all concerned , why us i ask myself ? No person deserves this , it is so difficult to stay strong as this rubbish illness is never positive for too long . I do know exactly what you are saying and feeling , we must stay strong and find the strength or this will destroy us and our lives too . 

I hope your mum improves and is out of any discomfort soon . Try and stay strong at this upsetting time .

Can’t cope anymore

25 Aug 2019 09:57 in response to mikkey71

I’m so sorry to hear that your family (and any family) is going through this too. It helps to not feel so alone, as cancer can rob you of that feeling of connectivity too. How is your father doing? I just don’t know how we are expected to bear this, I’m 32 with my own husband, house, baby on the way, all the trademarks of a “grown up” yet I’ve never felt more vulnerable and like a child. I just wish this wasn’t happening to us.

Can’t cope anymore

25 Aug 2019 16:42 in response to Jrod1

My dad is terrible , 3 rd day on Chemo at home, in bed all the time with constant hiccups, i just got him up to bath him , i have no help , i live in the flat about him , we have lived in the same house for 42 years in London , i am 48 , with a partner who lives outside London . 

I detest this disease , my dad has not eaten for 5 days , he looks like death! 

Im sorry you are going through the same , i don't know what i will do without him too as ive always lived with him here ! 

So I know what you are feeling , how is your dad today and you ?