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Being married v partner

16 May 2018 14:37

I found when my partner lizzie died i realized the diffrence that being a partner and being married before she died i was classed as her next of kin to the hospital etc i had nursed liz many times over our years together as over the five and half years together we had never been apart and we often said we both felt we had been together forever and were so lucky and that i was the first person she had truely ever loved and trusted. and hated being appart this i what i am saying is not about money possesions what its about is when she died her daughter arranged everything even to eulogy i got to put nothing in it i was basicaly nothing no better than just a friend of the family with benefits so this may be food for thought as liz and i got engaged to marry after diagnosis of cancer before we could not marry because of pension she would have lost if not for that we would have married in months.but she had stroke sepsis and  died within two days so it was impossible so read my words please hope ive offended no one as this is not my intension but just to highlight a point that is if you are in this situation dont!!! wait!!! Because theres no such thing as common law spouse and you may find trouble for the partner who is left especialy with children .a sobering thought 

 

Being married v partner

16 May 2018 16:46 in response to Paulus

Hi Paul .. I have followed your threads and know your heart was broken ... I'm so so sorry you were kept out of the service and there is no excuse ... no mater what others think , everyone really close should have had an input ...  but that's done now ... 

All I'd do if I were you, have a special place for her .. make a little memory part of the garden if you have one ... and do your own little service ... say the words you'd like to say ... play some music that meant something .. if there's someone close to you, let them do this with you ... l bet l know which one she'd smile over ...  they can never take your memories away ... they are safely tucked up in your heart ... Chrissie ❤

Being married v partner

16 May 2018 16:57 in response to Paulus

Hi Paul

It is dreadful how suffering has been built on suffering for you.

You have expressed so well the deep love you had for Liz.  She will be in your heart forever despite being unable to contribute to the eulogy.

I hope that you were able to pm Chriss as she is a lovely sympathetic listener.

My heart goes out to you

David

Being married v partner

16 May 2018 17:15 in response to Chriss

Hi i wasnt left out of sevice i just didnt get to put anything in eulogy. i was in it and it was nice l i kept liz going in hospital and cared for her when she was sick  .i was actually warning people how the law works and if they had planed to be married before or after cancer diagnosis to do it now.  as its so unpredictable and somtimes unpredictable very unexpected. its got nothing to do with money .its that after your parners parners death even thoe in hospital your next  of kin but after your rights to funerals etc are gone you have no recourse to complaints information are gone. A did it to take presher off me but it didnt feel like that .but what i did do was say weddinging vows for liz and i over her coffin with my adult children by. You would not beleive the fuss liz made when they took her engagment ring off in the ward told liz its okay sweetie i have it in my pocket so put it on coffin when i said the vows. Anyway i asked how you were as i feel you have been through some awful things yourself and no one seems to notice this because of there grief but i never forget a kindness .regards paul ps i would like to add that A realised that liz was getting the best care from me anyone could get 

Being married v partner

16 May 2018 17:26 in response to Dafra

Thank you david your most kind and yes she is as are you to send this message cheers paul

Being married v partner

16 May 2018 17:34 in response to Chriss

This is how we were liz used to get bad dreams but she said after we met i was always in her dreams with her making her feel safe so thats true love for you made me feel great what hurts the most is this time in reality i couldnt save her much as i tried

Being married v partner

16 May 2018 17:36 in response to Paulus

Hi ... thanks for asking that's really sweet with what your going through ... l had two more lumps taken out behind my scar ... and got the news they were fine ... so I'm doing really well ... always here, Paul if you need a chat ... this is a long old road your on now ... hold on to everyone who wants to help or listen ... and remember you have had a love with Liz that most will never know ... 

Sending you a big vertual hug ... keep in touch ... Chrissie x

Being married v partner

16 May 2018 17:43 in response to Paulus

Paul remember there was another famous Paul ,  who even with all his money couldn't save his Linda...

So forgive yourself when sometimes we just have to except there was nothing left to do ...

Listen to "let it be"  l listen to that song when there's just no answers to the questions in my head ..

Just get through today ... then do the same every day ... there's loads of charities or places that look for help like McMillan later when you feel stronger ... you will have empathy with others going through loss ... and you get back more then you give ...  in the mean time hold on ... Chrissie x

Being married v partner

16 May 2018 18:01 in response to Chriss

Thanks glad your lumps were benigh and hope it keeps that way for you just had a kind post from david another kind person it realy helps  bless you all regards paul

Being married v partner

18 May 2018 17:13 in response to Paulus

Dear Paulus,  even if you are married the situation can be tough.  Second marriages mean the original family try to take over and leave the current partner out, it's not lack of marriage but lack of compassion.   Don't blame yourself,  you loved each other and hang onto that.  She doesn't know what happened so it's you that is hurt by this.  You are right though, make it legal, it helps in everyday dealings.  Thinking of you.  Carol

Being married v partner

12 May 2019 00:47 in response to Paulus

hi Paul

only just read this.wish id joined this site when Jayne had her first episode of breast cancer,id of had my eyes opened to what id be getting put through now.sorry this happened to you and sorry that ive spent more time on me and not others on this site that have and are experiencing dreadful sadness and hurt every day.sorry i cannot move on, my love for Jayne knows no bounds.but glad that some can some how look to the future.and learn to live with their loss.

Being married v partner

12 May 2019 01:03 in response to jayneian

Ian you dont have to apologize for feeling the way you do. We were trying to get you so you could help yourself but you cant but i can tell you it will make you stronger it sad jayne jayne didnt leave you better prepared but it dosnt matter now all you can do is play it as it comes but you will come through it for jaynes sake sorry cant advise you anymore yesterday was the second birthday without liz but it was nothing like the first one that was terrible so you see no matter what you feel now in a years time you will look back on this horrible time and maybe read a story from someone in your position now and think thank goodness i dont feel like that now its a healing process some take years some some not so long there will always be that nagging pain of loss but the guilt and all the raw feelings will have gone we human beings can cope with anything its the way we are made i realy cant add anymore or want to as it brings it back .try and put a post on asking for advice crissie has given so much support on here including me in a big way but its a two way street she was trying to help you we've tried everything else that ladies a trogen one of the backbones of this site and shes ill herself theres many others that give advice they arnt tv stars so they dont get mbes or knighthoods but they deserve somthing and it helps us to.

Being married v partner

12 May 2019 16:43 in response to Paulus

thank you for trying help Paul.

ive been to a service today at the hospice,i thought jaynes family might of been there,but unbeknown to me i was next of kin at the hospice.so was the only one informed,if known i would of told the family,alas i didnt know.i had a very emotional chat with the chaplin before the service.as expected i cried quite a bit before and after,i got to light a candle for Jayne.the chaplin did a speach talking about when she lost her mum 22 years ago.she was very articulate and explained about grief saying that you never really get over the loss of a loved one but learn to live with the pain.and that everyone is different at coming to terms with the loss of a loved one.theres no time scale or rights and wrongs of how we grieve.got my next bereavement session tuesday morning.im glad i went and glad i showed how much Jayne meant to me.she was my everything.good luck Paul.hope things work out for you.

Being married v partner

12 May 2019 17:00 in response to jayneian

Yep thats thats about it ian its a dull ach you live with ive lost mym and dad you just have to soldier on nothing no matter haw we feel or say at the time 

Being married v partner

12 May 2019 19:57 in response to Paulus

thank you Paul,ive no great expectations on how im going cope or when it might happen,one hour at a time and see how it goes.