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2nd time around

22 Apr 2019 17:04

Dont know what to say, just want to cry.  Had breast cancer 23 years ago, thought I was one of the lucky ones, but now found a small mass (thats what the gp says) in the same breast(I had a lumpectomy)  My back on the same side has been giving me a lot of pain also that I cannot get rid of.   I am so afraid the cancer is back and this time gone into my bones, just like my mum.  I was 46 when I first got the cancer I just do not know what to do.  Tests are next Monday, but thats a whole week away.   This is the worst time I know.  I just think this time its going to be the end for me and I will have to say goodbye to my boys and the grandchildren and my husband is disabled and will not be able to cope without me.  Sorry guys I know you are all suffering, I just dont have anyone to talk to and I am going out of my head

2nd time around

22 Apr 2019 22:42 in response to gloverbee

Hi there ..

Firstly breath ... deep breaths ... your doing all those "what ifs" that make it seem overwhelming. . You don't know yet ... it just may be o.k ... and hay you did it once a long time ago, when things wernt as advanced as they are now ... we all have cancer sitting on our shoulder .. it never leaves us .. that worry .. 

There's a lady on here, she helped me through when I was like you , scared silly ... she's had 2 bouts of breast cancer .. with last one being a double masectomy ... she's done amazing ... @Jolomine  ... hope she pops by to chat .. she was my angel on here ..

I thought my grade 3 lump was the end .. wrote letters to loved ones .. did my funeral plans .. and every time I looked at my wonderful granddaughter,  I cried.. she was only 5 then, my heart was braking as we were so very close ... then my daughter in law sat us down and said no more panicking ... no more "what ifs " well take every problem as and when it comes up.. and we'll do it together ..

Well that was it .. l got a pair of vertual boxing gloves on and get in the ring ready to take it on .. cancer wants us to panic ... well it's got another thing comming .. l had my masectomy in July 2017 and not looked back .. there's lots of us breast lasses on here ... all with one thing in common ... kicking cancers ass ... together .. and you might not even have it yet ... 

My letters and funeral plans are safely away now hopefully for a long time yet ... 

Sending you a vertual hug ...  Chrissie xx

2nd time around

23 Apr 2019 21:23 in response to Chriss

Chrissie, thank you, thank you, thank you.   I have read your reply several times and it has helped me so much.  I am a little calmer now and a little stronger.  Think I am ready to put those boxing gloves on again!

sheila xx

2nd time around

23 Apr 2019 21:40 in response to gloverbee

Well Sheila...

We don't know how strong we can be till our backs against the wall ... think we get it from our parents and grandparents ... how they all pulled together at home .. and those men who were over there and having to go "over the top"  that's why l say , it's not about being brave ... it's about being scared witless but still doing what you have to do ... that's brave ...

I so believe a positive attitude helps us through ... all those breast cancer lasses that have joined here are all kicking it's ass ... and believe me we are all scared .. but those on the thread "the good and bad" are all holding each other up when low .. and high 5 when good .. one lass finished her treatment and is now expecting a new baby .. that's one lump we don't mind ...

So let us know how it goes .. and hopefully it's a high 5 .. but if not .. well help you through .. you can do this .. still feel all those feelings .. get them out .. I often give in to a few tears ... but it's getting back up again ...  always here if you want a chat ...  

Big vertual hug .... Chrissie xx

2nd time around

26 Apr 2019 08:38 in response to gloverbee

Its Friday and clinic is on Monday.  Not a good day for me, very tearful, convinced that I have found it to late and my upper back is really hurting today, leading me to think its spread.  This uncertainty drives you mad.  Just don't know what to do.   I know its all about keeping busy, but thats harder then you think as this dreadful nagging just will not leave me.  Yesterday I was at the hospital getting results on why I had to be taken to hospital 2 times last month.  Confirmed it was a stroke, be it a mini one.  Thats all sorted now, regime of drugs and protection from other attacks.  To think I was so worried about that!  Its all pailed into minor now.  This time I just feel I wont be so lucky and it going to be terminal.  Why did I not get a call from the mammograme team.  I thought this service stopped at 65, now find its 70 which means they should have called me last year.  Why did I not do it all myself.  I know no one can help me, but just needed to get this out of me and hopefully I can calm myself down.  I am  such a vibrant, busy person, always there for everyone.   This has really knocked me for 6.  So out of control.  Any suggestions on what I can do

2nd time around

26 Apr 2019 12:11 in response to gloverbee

Hi there ...

For reasons personnel , l felt my lump nearly 2 years prior to it getting spotted on a chest x ray ... l knew it was cancer ... but the result made me get tested and on on this roller coaster  ... mine was a grade 3 .. and I was sure I'd left it too late too .. had masectomy July 2017 .. and can't believe I'm still here and doing o.k ...

So don't think leaving it means it'll be terminal ... instead of having my funeral l went to Florida and saw Mickey mouse ... and already booked another one there with son and grandkids ... never thought I'd be able to say that .. that was number one on my bucket list ... then I'll have to think of something else lol ..

So come on hold on in there .. being brave is about being scared witless but still doing what you have to ..   lots here on the same breast cancer journey ... and wer all in this together ... let's kick cancers butt together ...  Chrissie xx

2nd time around

26 Apr 2019 14:30 in response to Chriss

I'm going to try real hard.  Have my granddaughter over tonight until Sunday.  She will keep me occupied and I cannot let her see me in any distress.  She is 16 but autistic and picks up on moods and signs very quickly. Thanks for the quick reply.  Talking does help and its knowing so many are out there feeling the same.   I know I can do this.  Its just not being in control at the moment thats hard

2nd time around

28 Apr 2019 11:26 in response to gloverbee

Its nearly Monday and my appointment with the consultant is at 6.40pm.  Trying so hard to keep distracted, but difficult.   Have not told my boys, should I ?  Or should I wait until I have something to tell them.  Have only told a few people, but need to constantly talk about it, desperate to find something positive, but I know I have to wait until all the tests are done and there is something to say.   Bloody cancer, how I hate you and what you do to us.   I had planned a cruise in June, Its our golden wedding anniversary and against the odds got everything arranged and sorted for my disabled husband, never for one moment thought it would be me that I now have to probably cancel the trip.   I just want to cry all the time with the misery of it all

2nd time around

28 Apr 2019 11:37 in response to gloverbee

Oh gloverbee, this is my worse nightmare....to fight it once...then the blasted thing comes back! Did you do chemo first time? I'm currently doing chemo and really not sure I could face it again should god forbid it came back....

i will be watching for your update tomorrow...xxx

2nd time around

28 Apr 2019 11:47 in response to Marlyn

Thanks Marlyn, it really helps to know someone who understands is there for you.   My 1st breast cancer was,  you will be pleased to know 23 years ago.   I was 45 yrs old.  Prognosis not brilliant as it was right on the chest wall, but with sessions of chemo and radio thereapy and the Bristol Cancer Centre (who helped and taught me how to deal with the other aspects of life with cancer)  I have had 23 fantastic years and seen my boys grow up, marry and have children.  But I want more, I want to see my granddaughter graduate from university, see my 2 disabled grandchildren settled and happy, and of course my poor husband, I just have no idea how he will cope without me as he does need quite a lot of care.

Once you have finished your chemo, life will be different, special.  Is your cancer in the breast or elsewhere?

2nd time around

28 Apr 2019 12:08 in response to gloverbee

I had a lumpectomy on an invasive mucinous grade 2 ductal carcinoma in January....I think we all live in fear of a reoccurrence....every ache and pain I panic...

im hoping and praying for a good result for you xxxx

2nd time around

28 Apr 2019 12:13 in response to Marlyn

You are right that the fear of re-occurance is always with us and you panic at the slightest ache and then it seems to get worse.  Nature of the beast

Thank you for your prayers, they are felt and appreciated

Will come back on line once I have the results.  They have told me that I will know if its cancer or not tomorrow night.  Hope thats right at least then I will know

2nd time around

29 Apr 2019 12:37 in response to gloverbee

Just 6 hours to go and I will at the breast clinic, anticipating answers.  I thought I would be okay today, but I am not.  I keep getting very teary and so convinced that it has now spread to my bones, just like my Mum as my upper back once more is hurting.  Trying so hard to stay occupied, but that is not easy.   I'm thinking how do I tell my boys, what if its terminal, My black thoughts are definitely going on overtime.  I wanted this day to hurry up and come and now its here, boy I am so scared, just want to run away and hide.    I know there can be life with cancer, but then keep thinking of all the people that dont make it, could I be one of them.  Have I had my time and this time its going to be over.  Oh dear, just read all this and it sounds so awful.  Sorry everyone, But so low at the moment

2nd time around

29 Apr 2019 13:15 in response to gloverbee

Gloverbee, your completely normal to be having these thoughts, when I got my diagnosis back just before Christmas I was convinced my number was up, even imagining the attendance at my funeral! 

I get my bone scan results this Friday, and of course...like you....I am convincing myself the thigh aches are bone cancer...I think these feelings will always be with us...

dont forget to post later....I will be looking out for you, in the meantime....deep breaths...don't be googling anything, have you tried a short walk? A bit of rubbishy tv? Jeremy Kyle was pretty funny this morning.....how about a nice slice of cake? When I'm feeling like I'm going to spin out of control I spend time with my lovely Rubi...a rescue spaniel from Spain....she seems to settle me. Do you have a pet? Xx

2nd time around

29 Apr 2019 13:51 in response to Marlyn

Thanks Marlyn, we no longer have a dog, which would be so lovely to give them a hug, they always understand everything.   I think the idea of a walk is good.  We have a wood at the top of our road and the bluebells are still out.  Think might put on my walking shoes and head out this afternoon.  Then if I want a cry I can do it all on my own 

Will come back to you later, tonight or possibly tomorrow with the results and let you know.  A big positive hug to you and your results on Friday

thanks Marlyn again, it really helps to know someone is out there talking with you.  Tried talking to husband, but he says I am being to negative and thinking the worst.  So thats a dead end

xx gloverbee