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12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

18 Sep 2016 22:53 in response to river56

I've just started a new thread about funeral tunes - I think it may be interesting!

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

20 Sep 2016 17:42 in response to Moderator Sarah

I know these comments can be awful, already my sister asked my husband if he would go bald. She asked this with a twinkle in her eye, as my husband has very little hair anyway. He was not offended, because he knew she didn't mean to upset him. I just think that some people THINK these comments are meant to be amusing/reassuring. If we try to understand the sentiment behind the comments, perhaps it won't feel as bad. I feel sure as I post this, that many will be upset by my take on it. I do not mean to offend or upset anyone, so please accept this is just mine and my husbands point of view.

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

20 Sep 2016 19:53 in response to Cazann

My Husband already shaves his head 'to the bone' so for him it would be a bonus, again we have an obscure sense of humour ... however he said gillette will probably go out of business due to the amount of razor blades he buys so he would have probably found the comment amusing. x

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

22 Sep 2016 06:35 in response to LesleyM

Me again sorry, I'm normally a laid  back chilled type of person however I have just had a private message on a social media site that has got me absolutely Bl**dy furious

Religion... I dont have a problem with and have utmost respect for whatever religion a person chooses to follow, (like its any of my business) My circle of friends family and work mates includes probably every religion known to man. I was born Jewish,  'did' organised religion (Christian) for nearly 20 years decide that it wasnt for me and now I follow the Spiritual/Pagan path in which I have found happiness and peace.

The message I just received started ' that if i chose to 'fall away' from the 1 true God and follow 'the darkside' am I surprised that the coals have been heaped upon my head and now as a family we are suffering the concequences of MY ! actions'  I am so angry, if it wasnt stupid oclock in the morning  I would possibly go round this persons house and probably end up getting arrested ! 

So So very sorry for the rant but I just needed to tell someone, I'm off now to have a bl**dy good cry , and congratulate myself for not using BIG sweary words x Much Love  lesley x 


12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

22 Sep 2016 06:49 in response to LesleyM

Hi Lesley

This is appalling, the more so that as a 'private message'  am assuming it was a 'friend' who chose to shoot their mouth off.  Not surprised you are angry and upset. Not sure they will remain on your friend's list.  The downside of social media strikes again and not sure they would have said this to your face! Sending a hug. Jules

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

22 Sep 2016 10:47 in response to LesleyM

I want to add my support to you too Lesley. This is the problem with social media, people are emboldened to say things that they wouldn't otherwise say if you were there in front of them. Should this person themselves ever suffer from cancer, I wonder would they still hold this misguided belief? Keep you chin up and rant on here as much as you like, we'll be here to listen.

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

22 Sep 2016 18:04 in response to LesleyM

Hi Lesley, I am so sorry that someone felt justified in saying that to you at the worst possible time of your life. Who, in their right mind would ever think they had the right to send you that message. Correct me if I'm wrong, but from what you wrote it appears as though this person is a family member? Why would I be surprised given what I know about some families. Sometimes I think they're the worst, like they have a God-given right (pardon the pun) to say whatever pops into their head because they're "family". Ignorance is no excuse for someone blatantly saying that to a person dealing with cancer at any level, especially in the name of religion.   

Again, so sorry. Take care.


12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

22 Sep 2016 20:09 in response to LesleyM

Dont despair Lesley,

They obviously haven't got it yet. And have spent little time or don't have the mental capacity to understand their "one true God". I used to get all this stuff at Catholic school and so did the the Protestant children at their school. No wonder there was/is such a divide in places like Liverpool, Ireland and parts of Scotland. I expect Jewish people, Muslims, etc all get the same indoctrination. As they say "thank God I'm an Atheist" (sorry for that :)) I used to love the comedian Dave Allen the guy who told his jokes from a bar stool with a glass of whiskey in hand who always finished his show with " Goodnight and may your God go with you"

Oh yes, on buying a new refridgerator shortly after being diagnosed and with a slim chance of a 2 year outlook, the saleswoman asked if I would like a 5 years extended warranty. Obviously she didn't know, but it brings home the changes about how you think about life. As it is I'm doing quite well and perhaps should have taken a gamble on the warranty. Kim

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

22 Sep 2016 21:12 in response to kimchoson

Thanks all for the replies and the support ...... I needed to post just to prove i wasn't in jail and no bail money needed to be raised hahahahaha, so after my good cry, a walk down the garden shouted all the BIG ! sweary words I could think of ( I think ive discovered a few new ones too lol ) I felt 100x better. I constructed my plan of action, I forwarded the PM on to the Elder of her church and left it in his hands, she wasn't family but what i thought of was one of my close friends. Yes she is now deleted and blocked and reported to FB.

As for electrical items upon diagnosis my husband went and purchased a TV on buy now pay later and chuckled all the while he was doing it, I told you we have an obscure sense of humour, after the visit to the oncologist he said ****** me it looks like im going to have to pay for that TV after all 

Thanks again all I'm back on course now scrubbing my house from top to bottom, I clean really well when I have the hump 

Love n Hugs all x Lesley x

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

7 Oct 2016 02:46 in response to KatieZ

My sister who died nov 2015 after bone and liver metastatic cancer ,told me that when she was first diagnosed with breast cancer, was asked by a concerned parent whose daughter was attending the same school as her daughter "I hope you'll be wearing a wig as I don't want my child to be traumatised if you lose your hair and turn up like that at school.

I have also had breast cancer and heard professionals talk to me with unfeeling and bland broadsweeping statements.

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

7 Oct 2016 03:22 in response to Moderator Sarah

As soon as you say you have cancer there is always someone who will tell you of someone they know who had ............................ No two cancers are the same! Don't want to be compared to anyone else thanks.

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

8 Oct 2016 19:01 in response to max56

Some of these things are so funny! I got fed up with people telling me how well I looked! To me it felt as if they didnt believe I was actually post-op and having chemo! Even when my hair all fell out I still got the same comments, although some of my work colleagues (I work at the hospital where I underwent my treatment) would just walk past me, not recognising me without my uniform and hair! I got fed up with people telling me about their friends/family's experiences too. Everyone reacts differently. Sometimes one needs a bit of sympathy, not too much but I did find people seemed to think that chemotherapy was like having a bad cold! But I looked so well!! Lucky old me! Happy

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

8 Oct 2016 20:54 in response to FEC

Hi Fec,

I'm glad our posts managed to make you smile.

When I started chemo I did a pre-emotive strike by having a very short (no. 2) hair cut. For some reason (short hair, very cold winter, good luck - who knows) I didn't lose much hair and when sat in the chemo circle I was inevitably greeted by someone asking "is this your first time?". I managed to bite my tongue, smile and say "nope - this is number whatever, I actually feel like sh1t, but I'm glad it doesn't show" Happy 

Like you, I worked in the NHS and it was interesting how differently various colleagues reacted. "But you look so well" often felt like "there's bog all wrong with you" but maybe that was my paranoia kicking in. It was also heartening how many people, some of whom I hardly knew, were so supportive.

Best wishes



12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

12 Oct 2016 11:51 in response to Moderator Sarah
Love this list, I know it's difficult to know what to say but after my terminal diagnosis last year (thankfully now downgraded) one supposed 'friend' came out with "cancers nothing - they can cure that now, I've got far worse problems with all the money I owe" it was then I realised just how little money and some people really matter. I take the really well meaning people's comments even if a bit crass and just smile at them - the really stupid insensitive comments usually get a response of "goodbye".

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

12 Oct 2016 17:02 in response to lisalou

I too love this post, but found it really ridiculous to find out who my true friends were after my diagnosis of stage 3 breast cancer it has been a harrowing and sometimes terrifying seven months, but things are now looking up.To be honest I did not find it hard to say  Goodbye to the so called friends, my body no longer feels so alien to me, still not right but coping better with it , good luck to everyone on here whatever your type of cancer