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12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

7 Jul 2016 00:28 in response to LorraineD

Hi Lorraine,

Now if you'd followed my advice, you'd have had all the fun of being rude to her AND still had the same outcome! 

When she was in her final months, my Mum shamelessly used the fact that she had terminal cancer as an excuse for being ruthlessly honest with people, if not downright rude! 69 year's worth of social inhibitions cast aside lol

Cheers

Dave

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

7 Jul 2016 00:43 in response to davek

On a related note - one thing not to ask a CRUK volunteer:-

Q. What made you start volunteering with Cancer Research UK (OK - so far, so good I'm thinking, but then before I can answer) - do you know someone with cancer?

A. Yes, me!

(Awkward silence, then) ... but you look so well! 

Chuckles, then "thank you, I try not to fit in with the expected stereotypes

 

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

7 Jul 2016 02:34 in response to davek

Hi Dave, that one really got a laugh out of me. I'm trying to recall whether or not I was that dumb before I was diagnosed with cancer. I don't think I was, or at least I certainly hope not. I not only try to learn from my own mistakes, I also learn fromt the mistakes that others make!!  I've been dealing with cancer in my family, or close friends for so many years now that it scares me. Whenever I encounter a situation that is highly emotional, such as a serious illness, death, or other life-altering situation, I try to put myself in that person's shoes before I open my mouth to say anything. Its' impossible to know for sure if you haven't been where they are, but its' possible to have compassion in any case.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts on this. It really helps to communicate with people who "get it".

Lorraine   

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

13 Sep 2016 07:12 in response to LorraineD

We my Husband and I (OMD I sound like the queen) lol are new to this even so we have experienced stacks of the above. The fact is Ian hasnt started his treatment yet and he is quite 'rotund' Laugh and looks really well.

Many people have suggested Canabis Oil so the info was brilliant thanks. 

What burns our bums is " Well at least you can give up work now" no disrespect but he has worked in the same industry for 35 yrs and actually loved his job 

or "the Drs must have it wrong you look so well"  3 Drs 2 Biopsys CT & MRI scan nope the are NOT wrong

our favorite is " well you have some weight behind you you will sail through this"  yes he might be overweight but he hasnt got rhino hide for skin, its not physical he is suffering at the moment its mentally / emotionally

The stinger that hurts me is about finances " at least you will be well looked after due to his company payout" ........ 28 yrs together do you realy think i give a flying bat fart about money when my soul mate isnt going to be by my side 

Much love Lesley x

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

15 Sep 2016 01:46 in response to LesleyM

Hi Lesley, A lot of what has been said to you about your husband's diagnosis is downright ignorant and totally insensitive. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to know that you possibly losing your husband to a death from cancer would not be comforting to know you have money from insurance, etc. It blows my mind at some of the things that people say at such a time of disaster when someone is trying to come to terms with receiving a diagnosis of cancer. Also, ".....but you look so good, how can you have cancer?"  That is what I hear all the time, and yes I do look like I never had a sick day in my life, but I've had so many surgeries, I've lost count, but no incisions that can be seen on the outside. I've been dealing with various cancers now for almost 7 years, but I'm on the downward slide now, only receiving Paliative treatment. I'm doing okay overall but severely fatigued all the time. My oncologist wants to try 2nd line chemo to see if I can tolerate it in the hope that my cancer can be slowed down some. I had it before, but I was so sick I almost died from it and they had to stop the treatment.  I see him again the end of Sept. to let him know what I want to do. Living longer if I'm really sick is not worth it to me, My quality of life is more important.

As you and your husband take this journey together, you will find this forum to be a big help in supporting you through it. People on here really know what its' like to be dealing with cancer, either as a patiend, or as a carer. I hope you will take the support that is available for you both on here.

Take care and I wish your husband the best of luck in getting through his treatment and a good outcome on the other end.

Lorraine

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

15 Sep 2016 07:43 in response to Moderator Sarah

I agree with all of these bar one. "If anyone can beat this you can" I personally know from experience some people just don't have the fight in them and it happens a lot. When I had cancer when people said "If anyone can beat this you can" I took it as a compliment and made me more determined to beat it. Definitely not a bad thing to say at all. Everyone's different some just don't have the fight in them.

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

15 Sep 2016 11:15 in response to Diane1946

Sort of agree with you Diane as the same was said to me -your so positive your going to beat this. On the down side it does imply that those who do not survive didn't try hard enough which I know is simply not true.

 

Was speaking with a friend who had been very supportive during my treatment. She was telling me about someone else and her exact words were " She's like you had a bit of cancer" I was lost for words.

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

15 Sep 2016 14:21 in response to river56

Lol - that's like having a bit of a sniffle, or a bit of a tummy ache.

 

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

17 Sep 2016 17:41 in response to max56

I got asked this week if I wanted to plan my funeral!

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

17 Sep 2016 18:37 in response to madcat

Your joking! who ever said that?

couple of weeks ago I was in town with the kids when some bloke started to shout over to me ....

He said "excuse me,excuse me" do you have leukaemia? or do you have cancer? "excuse me" and on it went like that....

I was completely taken back by it and utterly gobsmacked..and my poor kids were with me..

nerve of some people!! mind you if someone asked me to plan my funeral I'd be a bit miffed..

 

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

18 Sep 2016 07:12 in response to Nessemo3

Madcat, what a possitively uncalled for question to be asked of you ! I would be fuming and my reply would be totally un printable on here! 

However this might make you smile, Ian (my husband) is an absolute  %*^$£&$% when it comes to songs and themes, he will plant one in your head and you will be humming it for days, usually something really silly, Thomas the Tank theme is the norm for e.g  I could do him some physical harm at times as it drives me bananas. 

However Last night on the subject of funerals he has decided that is what he wants when we walk into his service, I was speachless (a 1st for me lol) but we laughed, he has worked for the rail industry for 35 yrs he said it would cause a smile ..... Oh Dear chick I dispair only he could think of something like that x 

Much Love to You & Yours x

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

18 Sep 2016 12:13 in response to LesleyM

Lesley one of the things that helped me in my dark periods was planning my funeral - only in my head. I could not decided between Dire Straits" Do the walk of life" or Queen "Fat bottomed girls".

Hi Madcat l got a cold call last week about arranging and paying for my funeral in advance.

Hi Nessimo how awful amazing how inconsiderate some people are.

Hi Davek yes if she had not been a good friend and really supportive I would have had something to sa

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

18 Sep 2016 16:08 in response to river56

Hi All

Not at all surprised (sadly) at this 'planning your funeral' question.  My husband (terminally ill with mesothelioma for three years, passed away January last year) must have heard this a record number of times (mainly from his consultant/palliative care team but also a few 'friends'). His 'stock in trade' answer was 'I will leave that to her indoors as she will be better at it and I do not want to think about it' and apparently it 'would give me something to focus on'!!  I sincerely hope he was happy with the result!!

Sending hugs to all and hoping you are having a good day.  Jules

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

18 Sep 2016 19:37 in response to Moderator Sarah

It's good to read these and following comments, and find I'm not the only one who's bothered by them. I agree it's hard for people but some are clearly totally unacceptable. 

I've been quite lucky in that I've only received tactless and annoying (so far). I don't actually want to hear about anyone else's (2nd hand) experience of cancer unless it's news (I mean, I can hear about it but I don't want anyone to think it's going to be helpful as such). This is particularly when they've had a particularly hard time - why would anyone want to tell me that?

My particular bug bear is a particular relative telling me she doesn't know how I cope with a stoma bag; she couldn't. What does she think my options are? Does she think I'm happy about it, or even find it ok?

 

 

 

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

18 Sep 2016 22:52 in response to JeremyBob

What sort of cancer do you have?

Oh, my Uncle had that - he died of it, well they all do, don't they?

Oops, I didn't mean you, I'm sure you'll be fine! 

^

that was just after I was diagnosed.