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12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

20 Apr 2016 04:28 in response to Bexmac54

Hi Lorraine . I just joined the group. Omg the exact same comments from my friends. I really like the " I am still me bit" ! ! I just want normality for as long as possible. 

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

20 Apr 2016 13:13 in response to Moderator Sarah

 

Thank you Sarah, the list made me smile.  I do not have cancer my dad has stage 4 lung cancer diagnosed in February.  I'm really finding it difficult to cope with and I'm so scared.  But people also say stupid things to me (the relative of someone who has cancer) like me saying I don't want my dad to die - "but Dawn we are all going to die" yes but not when my dads in his 60"s.                               

Or the way my partner refers everything back to his grandad who was in his 90's when he died

Argh!! Brings me back to when my dog died last year he was only 2.5 yrs old. And all I kept getting " he's in a better place now! Or things happen for a reason

 

 

 

 

 

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

20 Apr 2016 13:57 in response to Buffbuff1

I think t​hat people feel they need to say something to show they care but don't really know what to say. Pr cancer I was probably just as guilty of coming out with these comments but now I know better.

​The best comment I heard was " we don't come with a use by date none of us know when our time is up" but then added " if we did we wouldn't be the person we are"

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

20 Apr 2016 18:04 in response to Moderator Sarah

I was glad to see this thread resurface again as I've just come up with another challenge and would like some feedback on how to deal with it in a sensitive manner. My neice, (who is a mature person in her mid-fifties) has contacted me with an offer??  She has just bought a series of 8 videos produced by "The Truth About Cancer" which gives all kinds of ways to prevent/ beat cancer without going through all the medical stuff that we go through. She wants me to take the time to view these videos so I can learn how to treat my cancer without going through treatments that have such awful side effects. I know she means well, but I do not want to waste my time watching these 8 videos. If I have time to sit and do nothing, (which I don't have very often because of medical apts., tratments. etc.) I would much rather watch a good movie, or read a good book! How do I tell her "no, I do not want to do this" without causing a riff with her. I have ticked off a few people (relatives) who badgered me about alternative methods of treating cancer, planning for when I will need full-time personal care, (I'm not there yet) and I'm just totally fed up with it all. My energy is almost depleted from managing my disease, along with trying to do some of the normal stuff in my life that I enjoy and can still do; I'm not going to waste my time on placating someone else's need for whatever it they feel the need to do. What a dilemna!! Help me out here please!

All suggestions will be given careful consideration. LOL

Lorraine 

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

20 Apr 2016 18:26 in response to LorraineD

Hi Lorraine

Faced with a similar 'problem' when hubby was diagnosed with terminal cancer though with books rather than videos, especially those aimed at diets which will aid survival.  Like you did not want to upset anyone so in the first instance I did not tell hubby (not relevant in your current situation) and then I took them politely just as your have and said 'thank you very much for thinking of us and would you like them back when we no longer need them' (the reply was ' I don't need them so pass them on when read'y!!).  Perhaps a comment along the lines of how thoughtful of you I will 'dip into them' when I have a moment to spare as I really am making the most of my time just now.  Is there any rush to return them?'    Whatever you decide hope it goes okay and keep on enjoying life in your own way. Take care  Jules xx

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

20 Apr 2016 18:47 in response to LorraineD

Just tell her that life's too short to waste it on viewing garbage!
If she says she thinks you're being rude, just tell her that intolerance of well-meaning idiots is a known side effect of having cancer :-)

Cheers
Dave Happy

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

20 Apr 2016 18:58 in response to davek

Hi Lorraine, 

I would just be honest with her otherwise she will keep asking have you watched the videos yet, and it will go on and on.  Thank her for thinking of you but be truthful you have better things to do.  As a daughter who's dad has just been td he has stage 4 lung cancer I have scowled the Internet to find anythibg just anything to help him, people who love you will just try anything she means well but I know it doesn't help.

Ps does anyone have any experience with taking canabis oil, I know I'm doing the same as your relative but I have read some useful articles but I'm not sure how true they are?

Take care xx

 

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

20 Apr 2016 20:20 in response to Buffbuff1

Hi Buffbuff1

At the moment there isn't enough reliable evidence to prove that cannabinoids can effectively treat cancer, though research is ongoing around the world.

We have some information here which you may find helpful.

Best wishes

Jane

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

20 Apr 2016 23:02 in response to LorraineD

Hi Lorraine

I would thank her and say that I know she means well and that she is offering me the tapes because she cares and is concerned about me but at the moment I am dealing with my cancer in my way and have faith in the proffesionals. If I do change my mind or my team recommend looking at alternative therapies I will know where to come.

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

21 Apr 2016 15:54 in response to river56

Thanks so much everyone for your imput. Your suggestions are really good and I've considered all of them, especially the one from Dave, LOL, however I will refrain from using that one, out loud anyway,as I've ticked off enough people already, not because I've been rude, but just because I tried to explain how it makes me feel when I say I won't go along with their suggestions about how to deal with this disease. I'm not wallowing in self-pity. I try to enjoy the periods of time when I'm not dealing with surgeries, treatments, and the recovery involved with them and I get the feeling that I'm  expected to use that time to do what "they" think I should be doing at those times. At this time in my life, I believe I have earned the right to do what works for me and I'm the best judge of that. At the same time, I try to be considerate of those around me, but it does get tiresome at times.

About my neice, I think I will just be honest with her in the most sensitive way that I can that I won't watch the videos, so it would be best for her to lend them to someone who may want to see them. Of course, I will thank her for thinking about me, although my preference would be to discourage her from coming forward again in future with some other "alternative way to manage cancer". Perhaps I'll just leave that one there for now. Hopefully she'll take the hint that my plan is to stay with the treatment plan I have that is based on sound and reliable research. It won't cure me, but it has kept me alive longer than I thought it would. Thanks again everyone.

Lorraine 

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

21 Apr 2016 21:43 in response to LorraineD

Hi Lorraine,

You definitely have earned that right, don't take any nonsense (I'd use a different word but it would be censored lol) from anyone. It's your body and your life! 

Cheers

Dave

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

6 Jul 2016 14:46 in response to Moderator Sarah

Ugh.  My husband has terminal cancer and his Mum has been no support what so ever.  She doesn't visit or call or text.  I know she comments on my Husbands Facebook posts especially when hes posted something about his treatment or an update on how hes feeling.  She always comments 'My brave Son' it infuriates me. She has absolutly no idea.  Like you said bravery is something that happens when someone chooses to take on something scary. There is no choice
 

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

6 Jul 2016 20:32 in response to carin11

Hi Everyone, just thought I'd drop a quick note on this discussion yet again. In reference to my former posts on this about my neice offering me the tapes on cancer to watch, well, that was back in April, so over two months ago. I did tell her in a very nice way that I appreciated her concern and thoughtfullness, but I likely wouldn't watch the tapes, so thanks for thinking of me. Well, I haven't heard a word from her since. Go figure! Whose best interests was she trying to serve? Not mine for sure.

Appreciated all your imput. If anyone comes up with more nonsense of this nature, post it on here, so we can all learn from it.

Thanks.

Lorraine 

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

6 Jul 2016 20:47 in response to LorraineD

Hi Lorraine

Well I reckon you are entitled to feel miffed at her attitude but am sure that the family and friends that really count mean a whole lot more.  During my hubby's illness I sure did find out who our 'supporters' were. Take care my forum friend. Hugs from Jules xx

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

6 Jul 2016 23:45 in response to Moderator Sarah

My sister died a number of years ago of cancer. Year's later when i told my mother about my own cancer diagnosis , my mother said,"oh no , don't say i've got to go through that again." I have never known what to make of this comment.