Together we will beat cancer

Donate

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

5 Apr 2019 23:38 in response to kimchoson

Thankyou for saying that Kim. We are dealing with my friends cancer and we do our best. Some of the comments on this thread towards people are quite unkind. There is no right or wrong thing to say, it depends on the individual I would have thought. Me and my friend have very dark senses of humour that gets us through the day, however some of what we say would probably shock another person with cancer. No one would intentionally say something cruel or insensitive. Like I say we try our best with an alien situation for us all. Some people have never dealt with a person with cancer before and really don’t have a clue, why would they? I had never heard of metastatic cancer before and was unaware that there is no stage 5. I dare say some of you people wouldn’t have known before you were diagnosed and probably made unintentional comments too. However, it has been a learning curve and has made me and others very aware of cancer signs so if there can be any positives out of an awful situation then it’s awareness. Be kind to each other

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

10 May 2019 19:05 in response to Moderator Sarah

A Christian friend has just said to me, (half an hour after receiving my diagnosis from my consultant) ‘God controls my cancer and that I should pray for healing because she’s heard of lots of miraculous cures’.  Worse, that I should ‘deny what’s happening physically and think positive thoughts and pray’

I responded by saying ‘God has sent me all the Doctors and nurses involved in my care and that ‘healing’ is not the same as ‘cure’.  At this stage, if it were a choice, I would rather trust convential medicine over the ‘laying on of hands’ - but they dont need to be mutually exclusive!

It seems having got many different responses from family, colleagues and friends, I’m spending more time managing other peoples emotions than my own!

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

10 May 2019 20:58 in response to Addybrook4

Wow just wow. God controls your cancer? In that case did your friend’s “god” give you the cancer? That really is an awful thing to say. Keep strong and good luck with your treatment x

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

10 May 2019 21:09 in response to jukeboxjulie

Thanks jukeboxjulie

This is going to be a very interesting journey.

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

10 May 2019 21:13 in response to Addybrook4

Unfortunaetly that is what the doc keeps telling me....it will be a long journey...Hope I get to 5 yrs remision and 10 year cure without getting a second cancer although a nurse did say most get a second cancer

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

10 May 2019 22:22 in response to rocker

That nurse should not have said that! Everyday more folk are beating it & medicine & sciens are discovering new drugs etc.  I'm 7 years from diagnosis. I've had bad luck with reconstruction on my breast & only last Monday had my implants taken out and capsular contracture cut away then implant back in  my 5th op to correct things & I feel folk think I'm having these ops for cosmentic reasons!  I'm more worried about getting Dementia & losing my hearing like my wee mammy did than cancer coming back! I could not live in silence & I'd hate to have to be cared for by family and not know who they were etc.

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

10 May 2019 23:09 in response to weeme56

I agree the nurse should not of said anything but when I told the doc and his assistant they did not agree or say not true.

I am glad you are doing ok. I sometimes think implants should not be used and we should live as we are...even if it not the best

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

11 May 2019 18:57 in response to Addybrook4

... and you still describe her as a friend? Wink 

An aged Aunt once told me that my son's severe autism and my cancer were "God's way of testing your faith" - my "It's a good job I'm an atheist then" response was ignored lol

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

11 May 2019 21:02 in response to davek

Great response. It amazes me how brainwashed people can be that they have no thought for others

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

3 Aug 2019 22:30 in response to max56

Hi

This is a great forum thread! Just found it and it's made me laugh a lot - thank you! 

One thing I would say is having been on both sides - trying to find the right thing to say to a friend who had cancer when I didn't (I failed miserably), and now have my own cancer and knowing how annoying the wrong words can be.

It's a minefield, but I do have sympathy for those that mean well but fall short. However, some people are clearly just total idiots and should reconsider opening their mouths before they do.

A couple of classics I've had:

"We could all bit hit by a bus tomorrow". Yup we could, but I have cancer, and you haven't been hit by a bus yet so...

"Do you think your drinking contributed to your cancer?" I don't know maybe, but either way how is that helpful or going to make me feel better right now?

Keep posting. 

x

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

8 Aug 2019 08:18 in response to Anotherday

I was breaking the news to close family members and one said “have you chosen the hymns for your funeral?”  

I was breaking the news to another close family member and they said “good job you’re a strong woman so you can carry the rest of this through this!”

Honestly I can’t imagine why people are so stupid. . . .

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

8 Aug 2019 08:56 in response to Hellosweetie

Hi all, my (friends and family,) all know I'm not curable,, but when they come up to you and say you're looking well your cancer must have gone,did that last treatment work I've been to told it quite a few times by FRIENDS but never by family,... Billy 

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

8 Aug 2019 09:20 in response to Billygoat

I’m so sorry to hear that Billygoat, just because you look well doesn’t mean the incurable is cured.  If it was suddenly curable you would have told them. Oh dear, people mean well but say the oddest things.

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

8 Aug 2019 13:29 in response to Hellosweetie

Hi sweetie I think people open thear mouth before they've switched on their brain,, best wishes.... Billy 

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

11 Aug 2019 13:56 in response to Hellosweetie

Frickin idiots :)) Lovely to be able to share these stories though. Hope like me they give you some relief. Dark humour I think it's called.xx