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12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

10 May 2019 22:22 in response to rocker

That nurse should not have said that! Everyday more folk are beating it & medicine & sciens are discovering new drugs etc.  I'm 7 years from diagnosis. I've had bad luck with reconstruction on my breast & only last Monday had my implants taken out and capsular contracture cut away then implant back in  my 5th op to correct things & I feel folk think I'm having these ops for cosmentic reasons!  I'm more worried about getting Dementia & losing my hearing like my wee mammy did than cancer coming back! I could not live in silence & I'd hate to have to be cared for by family and not know who they were etc.

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

10 May 2019 23:09 in response to weeme56

I agree the nurse should not of said anything but when I told the doc and his assistant they did not agree or say not true.

I am glad you are doing ok. I sometimes think implants should not be used and we should live as we are...even if it not the best

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

11 May 2019 18:57 in response to Addybrook4

... and you still describe her as a friend? Wink 

An aged Aunt once told me that my son's severe autism and my cancer were "God's way of testing your faith" - my "It's a good job I'm an atheist then" response was ignored lol

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

11 May 2019 21:02 in response to davek

Great response. It amazes me how brainwashed people can be that they have no thought for others

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

3 Aug 2019 22:30 in response to max56

Hi

This is a great forum thread! Just found it and it's made me laugh a lot - thank you! 

One thing I would say is having been on both sides - trying to find the right thing to say to a friend who had cancer when I didn't (I failed miserably), and now have my own cancer and knowing how annoying the wrong words can be.

It's a minefield, but I do have sympathy for those that mean well but fall short. However, some people are clearly just total idiots and should reconsider opening their mouths before they do.

A couple of classics I've had:

"We could all bit hit by a bus tomorrow". Yup we could, but I have cancer, and you haven't been hit by a bus yet so...

"Do you think your drinking contributed to your cancer?" I don't know maybe, but either way how is that helpful or going to make me feel better right now?

Keep posting. 

x

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

8 Aug 2019 08:18 in response to Anotherday

I was breaking the news to close family members and one said “have you chosen the hymns for your funeral?”  

I was breaking the news to another close family member and they said “good job you’re a strong woman so you can carry the rest of this through this!”

Honestly I can’t imagine why people are so stupid. . . .

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

8 Aug 2019 08:56 in response to Hellosweetie

Hi all, my (friends and family,) all know I'm not curable,, but when they come up to you and say you're looking well your cancer must have gone,did that last treatment work I've been to told it quite a few times by FRIENDS but never by family,... Billy 

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

8 Aug 2019 09:20 in response to Billygoat

I’m so sorry to hear that Billygoat, just because you look well doesn’t mean the incurable is cured.  If it was suddenly curable you would have told them. Oh dear, people mean well but say the oddest things.

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

8 Aug 2019 13:29 in response to Hellosweetie

Hi sweetie I think people open thear mouth before they've switched on their brain,, best wishes.... Billy 

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

11 Aug 2019 13:56 in response to Hellosweetie

Frickin idiots :)) Lovely to be able to share these stories though. Hope like me they give you some relief. Dark humour I think it's called.xx

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

6 Sep 2019 21:20 in response to Anotherday

For me, it is not what people have said, it is what they do, they treat me like a cripple, i tell them i am fine, but they insist, they are a great bunch of, neighbours and family, and sometimes i do suffer a little pain, but nothing to worry about, altho the next day it hurts a lil more, but nothing that i dont handle.  It is me that perhaps makes innapropriate remarks, the docs laugh nervously, like they didnt  really expect it from a cancer person, like i should be all morose, nope, that wont work for me, i will beat this beech to death while i have life in my body

 

I would like to thank the Mods for their assistance in doing this right Laugh

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

6 Sep 2019 22:07 in response to Pooks

Hi Pooks,

In my experience, when you first have cancer real friends will make themselves known ... but they aren't always the ones you expect to find! 

I once had a big row with a physically disabled friend with cancer who accused me of showing him pity. My exact response would be banned off here but was along the lines of "if you can't ****ing distinguish between empathy, support and pity you're in a bad place you daft **@* ". 5 years on we were still friends and he helped me get through my own stage 4 diagnosis. Ten years on, we're still friends - he's a cancer survivor and I'm in some sort of remission. 

Don't take any cr@p, say what you feel, indulge in gallows humour and FFS be your own inappropriate self Wink 

 

Cheers

Dave

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

6 Sep 2019 22:09 in response to Moderator Sarah

Just a thought ...

What's worse , someone saying "you look really ill"  

Or someone saying " you look really well "   

Both make me smile...  Chrissie x

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

6 Sep 2019 23:02 in response to Chriss

Oh Chrissie - you ask the hardest of questions Wink 

There's an old Lancashire saying which covers both ... "you look well, have you been ill?" 

Meanwhile, here's a slightly different perspective .,, https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/apr/18/10-things-not-say-w...

 

Cheers

Dave

 

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

6 Sep 2019 23:04 in response to Moderator Sarah

Hmmmm.... I’m obviously a bit of a weirdo cos the listed 12 all seemed ok to me. Would continue to chat away happily with any of them being said to me. No offence taken what so ever.

Reckon its hard to know what to say - so good on em for finding the best words they could..... much appreciatedHappy

 

 

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

6 Sep 2019 23:25 in response to davek

Oh no... think you know me too well @davek ‍ ..  got lots of empathy but not much brain ... lol ... 

@Sandra123 ‍  ... agree wholeheartedly... think before we all got cancer, found it difficult what to say to someone with it .. don't mind the wrong thing being said ... it's those we've cared for over the years, saying nothing and keeping away that hurts ...  

Chrissie x

 

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

7 Sep 2019 08:10 in response to Pooks

You're most welcome Pooks! 

I am so glad you managed to post your most interesting contribution to this popular thread! 

Lucie

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

7 Sep 2019 18:09 in response to Chriss

Spot on Chrissie. ❤️

Tbh I had only read the original post. I’ve now read a number of them nd blow me.... as if.... I’ve actually said a fair few of those mentioned  ... and on this forum. Now there’s worrying.... and after I’ve had the cancer diagnosis!

So with head hung low my sincere apologies to anyone I have inadvertently hurt angered or upset it most certainly was not my intention to do so. 

As we say in the North East I best keep me clat shut then. X

 

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

7 Sep 2019 18:49 in response to Sandra123

Thank you guys Laugh  I read the list and i remember the neighbour, who i used to work with as well, said 'If there is anything i can do, anything, just ask', i said, 'Can you paint my place?' she said 'What?', i said, 'Can you paint my place?' we both looked at each other for a split second and burst out laughing, I do not think she will be so quick to ask again Silly

I honestly didnt  expect much of a response so soon, and i thank you guys for taking the time to answer xx

I have always had an inappropriate sense of humour, before i was told i had the Big C, really, does anyone like that reference, i can think of 3 more letters that would be a better word for it that would fit there nicely

 

Sneaks off

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

7 Sep 2019 19:22 in response to Pooks

Hi there pooks ...

And you know my mum left me a wicked sense of humour ... she taught me, there's always two sides to every argument... she taught me to stop and talk and treat those people on the streets .. it could be any one of us ... and the surprise on their face when we stop and chat, and give them a coffee / chocolate / hot soup ... is far more then I give .. and the most important thing .. to find something to smile about every day, no mater how low that day is ... 

The big C ... no I call it cancer .. I'm not scared of the word ... look it in the eye and stick two fingers up to it ... that will be my last action ... it may hurt my body .. but it will never take my sense of humour ... so you keep your sense of humour too .. it will help you through ... and you will see it sprinkled in threads too .. cancer doesn't want us to smile .. but like this amazing thread .. it keeps popping through ..

Here's to kicking cancers ass... as always ...  Chrissie xx  

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

7 Sep 2019 21:29 in response to Chriss

That's sooo true Chrissie. I have a friend who keeps saying 'You look so much better than you did'. Back handed compliment. So just how sh*t did I look before. Cheers mate. :))))

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

17 Sep 2019 23:43 in response to Moderator Sarah

I so, so agree. I can’t bear the idea that somehow I fought, and won. Does that mean I’d have been a failure if I hadn’t, if I’d died? I was just lucky. It was found, I live in the UK, we have the NHS. I will NEVER stop being thankful.

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

18 Sep 2019 05:41 in response to lizziem

We are so darn lucky to have the NHS, people pull it down all the time, sure it has its problems, probably from the wasteful top dogs.  *ends before it turns into a rant*

Well it is the pre op today, then the op tomorrow, bit nervous, hopefully in the few days after when i come out of the daze i will have some results, especially about the lil alien i have (cyst) and whether the evil one has gone
You guys are amazing, so nice to know you are here, for anyone that needs you, well, we need each other actually   huge hugs all round.  xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

18 Sep 2019 06:03 in response to Pooks

Hi all, just a quick note wondering if any one else has heard this, couple of years ago there was something wrong with me I kept go to the gp, they couldn't find anything, then I remembered when i was young I had similar problems, so Dr got receptionist to get my very old notes out, when he looked at them he apologised and admitted he could not read them, if one doctor can't read another's notes what chance have we got, best wishes to all... Billy 

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

19 Sep 2019 18:38 in response to Pooks

You are bang on Pooks. We need each other. Together we are stronger! Oh god that sounds like some pro-remain slogan! ;)) xxx

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

20 Sep 2019 08:59 in response to Anotherday

Remain alive and well maybe Happy