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12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

19 Feb 2015 11:15

I came across this list of well meaning but sometimes frustrating comments which I think we can all identify with. You know your friends and family mean well but sometimes they just don’t get it!  Has this happened to you? Are there any other well meaning but frustrating things people say which you could add to the list?  Let me know what you think Happy

1. “That’s a good cancer to have.”

There are no good cancers. There are definitely some which respond better to treatment than others, and I’m allowed to observe that as the patient, but you are not.
Please don’t tell me how lucky I am. I may not be in the humour to hear that.

2. “Cancer isn’t as hard as it used to be.”

That’s funny, because it felt pretty tough this morning when I was lying on the bathroom floor weeping over a bowel movement.

3. “I’ve always wanted to shave my head.”

Losing your hair to chemo is not the same as shaving your head because you thought Natalie Portman looked cool in V for Vendettta.

4. “You look like Natalie Portman in V for Vendetta!”

No, I don’t.

5. “We didn’t think you’d be up for it.”

Don’t assume we’re not able to do things just because we have cancer. Keep inviting us to stuff. Sometimes we won’t be up to it, but sometimes we will, and we desperately need to leave the house.

6. “You’re so brave.”

We know you mean well when you say this, but we don’t feel brave. Bravery is something that happens when someone chooses to take on something scary. We don’t have a choice.

7. “Have you tried…?”

Unless you have a piece of advice so stellar that you think we literally can’t go on without it, please don’t make suggestions about our treatment. Yes, eating kiwis may be an effective way of combating constipation in your everyday life, but if the industrial-strength medical-grade laxatives an actual doctor has prescribed for me aren’t working, then adding more fruit to my diet probably won’t either.

8. “If anyone can beat this, you can.

”Because people who die as a result of cancer didn’t fight hard enough?

9. “Remember, there’s always someone worse off than you.”

So helpful.

10. “I know how you feel.”

No, you don’t.

11. “At least you’ll have loads of free time now.”

I am not on holiday. I have taken time off work because dealing with cancer is literally a full-time job.

12. “Congratulations! You’re done!”

It’s not necessarily over just because we’ve had our last scheduled bit of chemo or radiation. Reaching the end of treatment can be a really scary time, so let me tell you when I’m ready to celebrate.

 

...So what should you say?

“I don’t really know what to say.”

It’s OK for you to be honest about how you’re feeling. We don’t expect you to be an expert in dealing with this really tough situation.

“I’m sorry you’re going through this.”

Sometimes a simple acknowledgement that things are a bit rubbish right now really helps.

“Do you need a lift home from chemo?”

Specific offers of help are much better than general “I’m here if you need me” type statements. We’ll actually take you up on them, and they will genuinely make a difference.

“Have you seen…?”

Film and TV recommendations are invaluable for days when we can’t get off the sofa and feel like we’ve exhausted Netflix.

 

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

19 Feb 2015 12:05 in response to Moderator Sarah

"There is no need to mope around, get up and do something" that has to be one of the worst 

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

19 Feb 2015 12:09 in response to jessietrevor96

That's a good one! people always suggest you'll feel much better if you get up and do something but have no idea how hard that can be at times. Great suggestion!

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

19 Feb 2015 15:17 in response to Moderator Sarah

Sarah, thanks so much for writing these out. You have hit the nail right on the head. I printed these off to put on my fridge because I know people mean well when they make suggestions such as these, but for those of us dealing with this horrible disease, when I hear these comments, it hits right in the pit of my stomach. Only someone who has dealt with cancer really knows what it feels like.

If I can figure out how to print these on Facebook, I will, with your permission. It would help those of us with cancer, as well as giving others an opportunity to avoid saying these things.

I lost my son to suicide almost 12 years ago, and some of the comments that were made to me at that time were just atrocious. I got involved with a Provincial group and we formed a committee dealing with suicidal issues. We worked hard on that committee and all of us were touched by suicide in some aspect, but what a change we made province-wide and indeed, Canada wide. We published a book that is now used to educate people, i.e. Police, First Responders, Medical, etc. as well as survivors of suicide, on how to respond appropriately when a suicide occurs. One of the things that really stood out was that people really wanted this information; they desperately wanted to know what to say at such a critical time in a person's life. When people responded to me in a more appropriate manner, it made such a big difference in how they made me feel on the loss of my son.  Perhaps we need to educate people on how to respond to cancer sufferers too.

Thanks again for posting this, and let me know if you think it would be okay to post this on Facebook. Are there credits that should be mentioned to anyone for them?

Lorraine    

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

19 Feb 2015 16:35 in response to LorraineD

Hi Lorraine, so glad you liked this Happy

The original list was written by someone called Louise McSharry. You can find a link to it here  http://www.buzzfeed.com/louisemcsharry/things-not-to-say-to-someone-who-...

It's fine to share on Facebook, in fact I believe it's already going viral!

Sarah

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

19 Feb 2015 16:55 in response to LorraineD

I agree, we really don't need to be told that we are brave.  I didn't choose this, I don't need well meaning peope telling me to be positive, that I will beat this.  The worst was when I was told by the Macmillan nurse that the chemo I was about to have would definitely mean hair loss and friends were saying not everybody loses it!  Please don't try to be kind we are trying to be realists and have been told what to expect.  I don't want to hear about your friend/relative's experience with cancer, this is about me and we are all individuals and what happened to them may not happen to me.  Most importantly treat me like a normal person not some strange victim of disease.  I am still me!

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

19 Feb 2015 17:13 in response to Bexmac54

Let's face it, we're all an awkward bunch of buggers to deal with!

I personally get fed up of people who blatantly ignore the fact I have Cancer and avoid talking about anything other than the weather, but at the same time get annoyed by people who go out of their way to insert it into every sentence. Not sure which is worst - ignorance or pity lol

On the chemo/hair thing. At least two people suffered from foot in mouth syndrome with me because I didn't lose my hair during EOX chemo! I felt like I had disappointed some of them - especially the people in my chemo circle who asked "is this your first cycle" when I was going into round four, dreading the canulisation as I had chemo veins by then, facing a 4 hour infusion and feeling like death warmed up! 

My favourite remains a former colleague who saw me at a conference about a year after I was diagnosed and blurted out "I thought you were dead!". He almost died of embarrassment!

 

 

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

19 Feb 2015 17:16 in response to Moderator Sarah

Thank you Sarah, I will check that out, and if I can figure out how to post this stuff on Facebook, I will do it.

(I'm not Facebook savvy yet!)

Lorraine

 

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

19 Feb 2015 17:24 in response to Bexmac54

Hi Bexmac, I believe one of the reasons people say those things to us is because of their own fear about having cancer. I got kind of tired of people telling me to be "positive" and I would beat this cancer. When I reached the end of my rope on it, I said, (in as kind of a way as possible) I've never heard tell of "positive" ever curing cancer, have you? It did set them back a bit, but I bet they never said it to anyone else with cancer again.

Take care.

Lorraine

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

19 Feb 2015 17:49 in response to LorraineD

I got offered a vicar by my work place. Not sure how to take that one.

I don't like when people say things like "you take ages to eat" and "can you manage that" like I am a child. I guess they are only trying to help.

Some people act cold around you as well which I don't like.

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

19 Feb 2015 18:21 in response to LorraineD

Thanks Lorraine, I may use that one as that "positive" word is starting to grate ha ha.  It was good to have a bit of a rant!

Take care as well

Bex

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

19 Feb 2015 18:45 in response to Moderator Sarah

The one that shook me rigid was in a letter to me shortly after I was diagnosed.  I didn't hide anything and explicitly said to the people round me that I had advanced breast cancer which had spread to the lymph and bones.

The person signed off the letter by saying "I hope you enjoy your convalescence afterwards".  Interesting thought - maybe floating on fluffy white clouds to the sound of harp music??

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

19 Feb 2015 18:59 in response to Boatgirl

That really is a classic!

 

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

20 Feb 2015 11:55 in response to Bexmac54

That's a good one Bex! People always tell you about someone else they know and assume that all cancers are the same and that all treatments are the same. They think because you are having chemo you will automatically react the same way as someone else they know. People don't seem to get there are more than 200 different types of cancer and numerous combinations of drug therapy which affect people in all sorts of ways, especially when it comes to hair loss Plain

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

20 Feb 2015 17:18 in response to Moderator Sarah

 

It was weird to see this thread appear because I have had a strange week with two friends asking me if I was scared that I was going to die.  I was quite shocked when the first one came out with it, then when I was asked again by someone else I thought 'goodness I must look ill !'.  What on earth are you supposed to say to that question?  No, I'm really looking forward to it?  Moral of the story in my opinion is - if you cant say something nice, shut up! x

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

20 Feb 2015 18:18 in response to max56

Hi Max, good to hear you sounding spunky! I know that people really don't know what to say, or how to react when they talk to us. But, it is frustrating when they say stupid things like "are you scared that you are going to die?" I believe we all have a yellow streak down our back about death period, but our own? of course. Do they think that a diagnosis of cancer comes with a manual on how to die without being scared?

I try to be sensitive to people who can be so inappropriate about my disease, but sometimes it just seems like so much work. I really wish they would educate themselves on the mental and emotional issues, not to mention the physical challenges, that come with a diagnosis of cancer, instead of expecting me to spend what little emotional strength I have to do it for them. Having said that, I guess it happens with any serious life challenging issue that people face that cause extreme fear in people. I'm thinking of when I lost my son to suicide. I was appalled at some of the things that were said to me at that horrific time in my life. I guess it just goes with the territory. We have to teach people how to treat us at such a difficult time.

Take care of yourself Max and live your best life however you can. Don't use up your precious energy on people who just don't know any better, and won't take the time and effort to find out how to be supportive and more appropriate.

Sending lots of hugs your way.

Lorraine  

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

20 Feb 2015 18:24 in response to max56

 

It does make you wonder whether stupidity is contagious! 

 

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

21 Feb 2015 22:12 in response to LorraineD

 

Hi Lorraine - so good to hear from you!  How are you at the moment, fully recovered from your lung op? Have you any more imminent treatment coming up?

I was so sad to read that you lost your son 12yrs ago - that must be so very hard to cope with and I admire you for the work you have done raising awareness regarding suicide.  You have certainly faced some difficult times in your life Lorraine and my heart goes out to you.  Much love to you my friend and speak soon x

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

22 Feb 2015 14:04 in response to max56

Hi Max, thank you for acknowledging my loss from the suicide death of my son. It was, and still is, the most difficult period period in my life and something we never recover from; we just learn to live with it.  Parents are not supposed to bury their children ever, but a suicide adds an entirely new dimension to that.

As for my recovery from my lung surgery, I'm now doing pretty good on that front physically, but the surgeon wasn't very optimistic about a possible return of the cancer. There won't be any more surgery if it does return, so it will be some other form of treatment. Of course, the bladder cancer is ongoing. I just had another surgery earlier this month for that and now waiting for the path report to see what follow-up will be done. The saga continues.

Max, this has been, and still is, one long and arduous journey for you. You are certainly a great supporter to others on this forum. I'm so glad the many posters on here who you have supported over the years, are now giving it back. As I recall, you were likely one of the first responders when I first came on here. I am so glad I found this site as it has been a God send for me in this journey that no one would ever choose to be on. Just know that you are always in my thoughts and my prayers. I wish you well my dear friend. Be gentle to yourself.

Hugs.

Lorraine  

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

12 Mar 2015 22:45 in response to LorraineD

You are all right! I think i had most of those said to me, and yep the positive word was the worst, we all try our best to get through our ordeals, positive is one thing but it sort of makes those who sadly have lost their fight or those who cannot be treated seem as if they are not being positive - those who have never had cancer should just try to understand its not just an attitude illness, its a painful, frightening, depressing, debilitating time physically and emotionally for both us and our families, and it doesn't stop there, we then face yearly check ups and each visit live through hell wondering if we are going to be ok for another year. x

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

24 Mar 2015 23:29 in response to Space_1999

Offered a Vicar....Mr Grey by any chance?? lol What do they offer athiests I wonder? Devil

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

25 Mar 2015 09:52 in response to Moderator Sarah

"How lucky you were to be able to lose a lung"!

How did I not feel grateful or very lucky to have got the Cancer that necessitated this! 

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

31 Mar 2015 16:09 in response to Moderator Sarah

My ex mother in law feels compelled to make thoughtless comments about my hair that is growing back in.her latest is I look butch.i find it her comments very upsetting and am avoiding her at the moment.

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

31 Mar 2015 17:33 in response to macmillan

Know what you mean some people are really insensative.

I find that I can make jokes about my cancer and treatment like I've saved a fortune on shampoo and the hairdressers but if anyone else makes a joke I start to get upset.  I tend to cope with one whiticism but after that it can be meltdown.

I think some people think they are helping by trying to joke about these things.

 

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

31 Mar 2015 18:16 in response to Moderator Sarah

I think Cancer is such a taboo subject, i have alway found t hard to brach the subject with others in the past, have never known what to say, how to say or when. I think a lot of that was out of fear as even the word scared me. The fatct is we are all diffrent and respond to things in diffrent ways and even on diffrent days we may respond dffrently. I found Once i was diagnosed i found it eaqually as hard to talk about and apporach the subject. I felt like i was dropping a bomb into conversations to bring it up. Should cancer be spoken about more openly?  Even join in in this chat forom scared me as it seemed to make it so much more real. I was told by the same person on the same day that 1: I was so lucky to have so much time on my hands, (due to suspending my studies for my health) and 2: how come someone who had a baby this teaching block could continue with there studies yet i couldent. However even now i would still find cancer a hard conversation. 

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

31 Mar 2015 19:08 in response to macmillan

Yes the good thing is avoid the insensitive people and surround yourself with people who can support you.  Avoid the people with "foot in mouth disease" there are plenty of them around!!

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

31 Mar 2015 20:18 in response to Moderator Sarah

I have a friend who said 'at least they've caught it early,' though she didn't even ask what stage my cancer was at, I wasn't aware that T4N2 was early, (though thankfully M0)

I know people can feel awkward about what to say, but a little thinking before speaking would be helpful

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

31 Mar 2015 20:40 in response to Pauline2

Hi Pauline,

That one made me chuckle :-)

I was rather cruel to someone shortly after I'd been diagnosed. The conversation was going well until she asked what stage I was at. I said I was at stage 4 which triggered the question "when do you go into stage 5". I just fell about laughing - another friend explained why after I'd left the room! It's amazing what some people say when they feel awkward and stuck for words!

 

Cheers
Dave  

 

 

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

5 Apr 2015 18:01 in response to davek

Hi Dave

 

Sometimes you just have to laugh or you cry (or want to hit someone/something.) 

Maybe she wanted to make you a certificate for each stage. Maybe stage 5 can be when the cancer is trying to protrude out of your body a little like in Alien and stage 6 when it escapes and tries to take over everyone around you (I'm sure some people think it is contagious)

 

best wishes

Pauline

12 things never to say to someone who has cancer

6 Apr 2015 00:00 in response to Pauline2

I think were all being too tough on people's thoughtless comments about our cancers. Its genuinely tough for people, they dont know what to say, but at least do try. When they say something insensitive forgive them. Before getting cancer you may have come out with exactly the same comments. The worst thing is not the insensitive comments but people avoiding you because they really dont know what to say to you or is it because they think cancer is catching.